How the Minnesota Twins Can Make 2014 More Interesting

Jesse Johnson-US PRESSWIRE


Alternate Title: Oh Dear God Why am I Posting This? What Even is Formatting?!

The last three years haven't been the easiest to watch for Twins fans. Hitting a baseball is hard, I get that. Rebuilding phases happen to smaller market teams, and that's fine in the long run, but it isn't always the most entertaining thing to watch. Even the most die hard fans found no reason to watch in the waning weeks of the 2013 season. The Twins are bad, but they aren't the Astros. They aren't hilariously bad. Things like a player sliding head first in such a way that his nose goes directly up the second baseman's derriere just don't happen here. The Twins don't make like four errors in one play in the most baffling of manners. Sure Jared Burton punched Brian Duensing in the face that one time, but antics like that don't happen nearly often enough to keep things interesting through the doldrums of what will likely end up being about a half decade of rebuilding.

So after the Twins fail to make any significant splashes in free agency again and the front office throws our collective hopes in the trash like so many Milli Vanilli albums, what other things could be done to make Twins baseball more entertaining?

1) Capitalize on Brian Dozier's amazing head of hair.

Clearly Brian Dozier, seen above on top of his human host, has taken a cue from Joe Mauer and used his Head and Shoulders because his hair is gorgeous. You could simply ask Dozier to make a concerted effort to lose his hat more often to make the ladies swoon, but I don't think that's going far enough. So here is what Minnesota does to show off that glorious mane; Build a giant fan. Imagine if after every time Dozier hit a single he stopped, struck a pose and a gust of wind blew heroically through his hair. I know what you are thinking. "Where do you fit a giant fan near the field?" Well the answer to that is more obvious than you might immediately think. There is already a relatively large waste of space near first base and that waste of space is called the first base coach's box. Just dig a hole, put the fan in there and use some sort of elevator system to raise it up whenever it might be needed. You could even hire a burlesque dancer as our new first base coach as part of the show. Its not like the first base coach does anything anyway.

2) Don't cancel games due to weather.

Just don't do it. Admittedly this is only applicable in April, but I think it would be interesting to see outdoor baseball played in a blizzard more often. Would Josh Willingham's frozen knees shatter like glass? How many in-the-park homeruns would come from a ball being lost in the snow? Would Ryan Doumit be forced to use his heat vision and finally reveal himself to be a cyborg scout from Alpha Centauri? Those eyes are unnatural.


Honestly, the first few games aren't even going to matter next season. Minnesota opens the season against the White Sox, a team that miraculously finished behind them in the standings. Does anyone even know how that happened? Was it giving Grandpa Konerko 520 plate appearances, or did Robin Ventura steal a cursed doubloon from a pirate's grave? The city of Chicago fielded not one, but two teams worse than Minnesota. Think about that for a minute. Just think about that.

3) Sounds of the game.

You thought this list would be entirely stupid shit, didn't you? Seriously though, broadcasts with this feature are really neat. Maybe it is just me but I find player/umpire chatter really interesting. Imagine if we had a mic on Pierzynksi when he was our catcher. It would have been hilarious to hear first hand why he's the most hated player in baseball. I'm not sure who the Twins have anymore that has much character and speaks English, but someone on the roster has to be interesting on the field. If not we could always bring back Nick Punto. I don't think the Dodgers will re-sign him, as that inexplicable not-very-good-at-baseball ex-Twin of Italian descent slot on the roster can now be filled by Drew Butera. Sometimes I think I understand baseball, and then a team with all the money in the world trades for Drew Butera.

4) Don't tell Bert Blyleven when a commercial break ends.

He takes so many vacations these days, he might as well get suspended before them for saying something profane while Dick Bremer desperately tries to change the subject. What will he say next? I certainly would tune in to find out. I've met some people who don't like Bert and Dick, but I've never met someone who doesn't enjoy swearing on live television. It has a certain charm to it, doesn't it? I wonder why that is. If I wanted to hear an old man say profane and offensive things I would walk down main street after the bars close, but that experience is more terrifying than fun. It is missing the television angle. Maybe the secret to curing all negative emotions is to make everyone's lives broadcast on live television. Maybe the secret is your favorite baseball team not being objectively awful.

5) Change the team name to the Minnesota Maybe Next Year We Won't Sucks

Or maybe the Minnesota Byron Buxton Isn't Here Yet You Can Go Homes. People value honesty, and, y'know, maybe in 2015 they indeed won't suck.

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