Scene: Terry Ryan is at home, playing the Legend of Zelda on a classic NES. The phone rings...
Neil Huntington: Terry, it's Neil.
Terry Ryan: Hello, this is General Zod.
NH: What...oh. I get it. Superman II reference. Kneel before General Zod. I get it. You got the best of me on that last trade you son-of-a-gun. Since we're referencing cheesy fantasy action films, I'll one up you. I demand the right of parlet.
TR: What? You want a gift certificate to Dairy Queen to balance out the trade? I might buy you a kiddie cone, but there is no way I can afford a parfait on this budget. By the way, that new Superman flick stinks. Apparently the S on his chest doesn't even stand for "Superman." It's the Krypton symbol for love. Sissy. Should put one of those symbols on Mauer.
NH: Umm, yeah, not parfait, parlet. Get it--I'm a Pirate.
TR: (Bud Light Lime snorting out his nose) Hah! Good one! Hey, you think Johnny Depp is left-handed? I could use a left-hander with sex appeal, at least that's what those a-holes in the basement tell me. Can you believe they're on the metric system down there? Bunch of Commies if you ask me.
NH: Well speaking of left handers, that is what I called to parlet about...
TR: Yeah, Jack and those other weirdos in the basement told me some other crazy stuff. They were all talking about war and stuff so I said you mean like World of Warcraft? And they were all like yeah, something like that...how do you know about World of Warcraft? I was like, why the hell do you think I retired? That game is damn addicting. Reminded me of playing Dungeons and Dragons back in the day with Walt Jockety, over the ol' rotary phone. He was a hell of a Dungeonmaster.
Then they told me moving Mauer to first was like trading a +10 Mage-Cleric for a +2 Corner-Warrior, and I started worrying we might not have a viable representative for the All-Star game. Do you think Depp would take $10 Million for two years? I need someone who's sure to get the fan vote.
NH: Umm, I guess if you can get him at that price he'd be about as good as the rest of the crap available out there--and a lot better looking. But if it's lefthanders you're looking for, maybe we can do a deal. I want Duke Welker back. Would you consider Kris Johnson for him?
TR: Hmmm. Those dorks downstairs have been harping about strikeouts lately. Near as I can tell, the Duke has to Ks in his name and Johnson only has one. That's like, at least 20% less or so. Not sure if I can do that. That gall-dern mo-bile phone in my plastic grocery store bag I use to bring my stuff to work would start buzzing like a hornet in a roomful of my Mama's Apricot Jam. Can't believe my wife downloaded that damn Twitter App. And don't get me started on Pinterest.
NH: Well, my guy's full name is Kristoviaknokowatski Johnson...he's from the Ukraine. Lots of K's there. Plus, knowing how you guys love to unearth players from places where organized baseball doesn't exist, I think getting a toe-hold in the greater Russian market might be a boon. As a sweetener, we have this Bhutanese fellow we might offer you at the trade deadline for Josh Willingham, assuming he's regressed to the mean.
TR: Willi? He's actually a pretty nice guy, real southern gentleman. Whatever. It's a deal. Let's shake on it on Facetime.
(TR and NH awkwardly air-shake hands while holding their phones up to their bathroom mirrors.)
TR: Hah! Gotcha again, sucker. A hard throwing reliever for a mediocre left-handed starter? Ever heard of Billy Bullock for Scott Diamond? Enjoy getting beat in the first round of the playoffs a couple more years and then sinking into mediocrity after the Yankees steal all your players! I'm going to celebrate by heading down to the old "wine" cellar and cracking open a bottle of vintage Zima. Talk to you in July, "Kneel."