Looking for pitching outside the normal, pay-good-players-to-pitch-for-your-team route? The Twins always are! So let's hear some fantasy scouts rate the nastiest available pitchers in fantasy baseball. Heck, they won't cost anything . . .
Al Swearengen, Rapid City VFW softball team
Scout's take: Sometimes overthinks things, but generally has more of a game plan than anyone he's up against. Not dismayed by getting into trouble; willing to let teammates do the dirty work. Generally will go right after guys, but his preferred weapon of choice is the slicing cutter you never saw coming. Good communication skills with Asian players. Red flags: Possible alcoholism, impulse-control problems. Might not be as tough as he used to be. Probably misogynist, although that rarely hurts in baseball.
Q, San Francisco Seals (now defunct, but Q can master space and time and play for whomever he wants)
Scout's take: Arrogant, in a good way. Thinks he can always beat you, and when he doesn't, expects to beat you the next time. Strange delivery; he always seems to come at you from a different angle. Inconsistent, you never know when he'll show up and save the day or go AWOL for ages on end. Dominating stuff when he can be bothered to use it. Red flags: Could be older than birth certificate. Could also be a Time Lord, and those "Doctor Who" fans are just not real men.
Beelzebub/Prince of Darkness, advisor for JP Morgan Chase
Scout's take: I've been waiting for this guy to come up forever, something/someone keeps holding him back. It seems like he has the whole package. Can bring some vicious heat or get you through sheer deception. A big-name guy who doesn't have a problem taking the blame for others' failings; often reticent to get the limelight. Red flags: Serious signability issues; acts as own agent, is an absolute asshole in contract disputes.
Walter White, Albuquerque Isotopes (AAA)
Scout's take: Physically unimpressive, somehow intimidating anyway. Slings simple smoke, but has his own distinctive touch on it that crushes the competition. Seemingly always in a jam, seemingly always finding a way to wriggle out. One batter told me, "Mr. White... he's the devil. You know, he is... he is smarter than you, he is luckier than you. Whatever... whatever you think is supposed to happen... I'm telling you, the exact reverse opposite of that is gonna happen, okay?" Red flags: Health, attitude, family issues, pretty much everything. Don't sign him, unless you're the Rays.
Bad LSD Trips, UC Berkeley (NCAA)
Scout's take: Oh, God, oh jeezus god, the bats! Fucking bats everywhere! I can see through my own skin! I wish I'd never taken this fiendish hallucinogen! Red flags: Kids, don't do drugs. Also, there's no decent LSD available since the chem students at the US Naval Academy got busted for making it, but back in the day if you had that hookup (remainder redacted)
Hannibal Lecter, Potomac Nationals (Class A, advanced)
Scout's take: Most cerebral player I've ever seen; can really get into your brain. Usually just throws curveball after curveball that opponents foul away until he senses a weakness, then attacks with surprising speed and movement. Guys who dare him to go inside will get eaten alive. Red flags: None. Dude's so straight-arrow he could consult for the FBI. May be a queer, although that never hurt Joe Mauer.
Hedonism Bot, New New York Mets
Scout's take: I have no idea how he's hung around this long. Lazy, unmotivated, out of shape, he's the guy you sign because he's there, not because he's any good. Red flags: He'll probably wind up being the 2014 Opening Day starter for the Twins.
To sum up: the Twins are going to get better players, like they claim every November. It's not a lie, it's Fantasy!