Free Agent Roundup: REAL Catchers edition ... Or (It's Time We Have 'The Talk')

Yeah, I saw what you did there with your J.B Arencibias, your foreigners named after motorcycles, taco dishes and …. foreigners, and your Jared Saltalamakiuhs, but I’m here to set Twinkie Town straight. Hell no I ain’t meaning to send you for "extended treatment" with Michelle Bachmann’s husband kinda straight (though lord knows some of you Minneapolis food loving queers could use it). I’m talking Montana straight. 9 millimeter straight. .32 caliber straight. Semi-automatic extended clip straight. The kinda straight you get when you’re hankering for a Goddamn peanut roll so you mosey on down to the vending machine at your local city hall and get yourself straight, straight.


I’m talking the best goddamned free agent catcher on the market and he could be ours straight! That’s right, you ignorant hotdish eating sonsoffemaletrolls, I’m talking ROB FUCKING JOHNSON! He’s a frigging free agent. And by free – I mean free. Last I checked he doesn’t even have a wooly girlfriend tieing him down, making him take out the trash or nothing. The Cardinals announced that they have outrighted catcher Rob Johnson, off their 40-man roster, and the greatest damned catcher this side of Johnny Bench, has elected free agency, per the Transactions page. Johnson spent most of the season in Triple-A, but found his way onto a big league roster for the seventh straight season. Hell, that’s better than Joe Mauer.

Hot damn. Now I ain’t meaning to step on no London/Boston faggy reporting toes, but a certain London/Boston creampuff around here just wrote up a whole feature length article regarding free agent catcher types and he didn’t even once mention Mr. Johnson. I sure hope that London/Boston magpie has a day job, cuz he sure ain’t earning a paycheck around these parts with slipshod reporting like that.

BIG SKY ROB is a free agent! And there ain’t nothing standing between the Twins and the series now! Someone fire a letter off through the internets to Gardy and TR. Let’s do this! Listen. There ain’t nothing tougher than a Montana bred boy. They grow up either riding sheep:


Or riding sheep:


Now we Montanan's may not know how to format your fancy HTML web pages, but we know how to drink beer, ride buffalo, kill trout, wolves, and sheep's libidos, but most importantly we know how to frame a fuckin curveball. Shit. Why in the hell you think both Billy Beane and Magglio Ordonez once referred to Montana as the Yankees West? Hell, Yogi Berra lived with his little buddy In Yellowstone before he was drafted by the Yankees. Talk about framing a pitch...

Now I know BIG SKY ROB had a down year last year with the Cardinals and only got 35 ABs at the major league level, but that's just bonus for us; fresh arm! Fresh legs too as he didn't waste ANY energy hitting home runs or crossing home plate. That is one well preserved 31yr old MAN.

C.MON TR! You can't go wrong with a Butte Boy. Just think of all the great promotional doohickies you could promotionalize. We got legalized pot. We got a twerking tomboy singer who looks good in a wig and probably doesn't have genital herpes. We got the biggest Superfund site in the world. And we got the most right-wing survivalist nuts per square mile this side of the Idaho panhandle. Just think o' all the Confederate Flags and nickel bags you could sell on ROB JOHNSON NIGHT! Flathead vodka, Evil Knievel bobbleheads, buffalo jerky, WOOL SHIRSEYS! and friendly salutations:


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