Well my name's Joe Mauer and I'm here to say

Why's everyone so mad these days?

Got batting titles and a brand new wife

But the haters all bring the drama and the strife

***

Straight outta Cretin, 3-sport playa

FSU scholly, said no thank ya

Went ahead of Mark Prior, turned a few heads

Wish MP all the best cuz arm trouble's bad

***

Drink 1% milk keep them bones strong

Da skim's too watery, whole milk's just wrong

Keep them sideburns trim,'fore they get blowed out

But the critics all just wanna scream and shout

***

Had some trouble with my legs, but that's all gone

Knees are just fine, and my singles game's on

Call a good game, get that W right,

But win or lose, ya gotta always be polite

***

The bloggers all ask if I should make that transition

To first base, maybe, or another position

Tell 'em I can catch for a few more seasons

Sensible bedtime's one of the reasons.

***

Advanced metrics say I got a mad OPS

Lack of ding-dongs makes the message boards stress

Ask 'em what they want, more swings at bad pitches

They need to chill out, have some PB sammiches

***

I hit to all fields, hands back and ready

You tell me pull the ball, I'll take it to the oppy

Got those doubters sayin' I gotta go yard

But I just do my work like the folks at Menard's

***

Now I ain't one to raise up a ruckus

People are gonna b-word and call you a sucka

Mom raised me to turn that other cheek

Inherit that earth y'all gots to be meek

***

Roll it over to second for that 4-6-3

Let a runner advance, hey that's on me.

But I just gotta say to all the haters and such

I hear what ya sayin' and thanks so much

***

Well, that was sarcasm, betcha knew that already

Know it ain't right, but I gotta stay steady

Give the beats some words after a late-inning thrilla

"Both teams played hard," quotes straight up vanilla

***

Speaking of ice cream, that's the very best flavor

Kemps French Vanilla is what I savor

Folks top it off with caramel or pecans

Agree to disagree, that's just too much goin' on

***

Looking on out at twenty thirteen

Door's wide open if you know what I mean

Lotta guys sayin' we'll be bringin' up that rear

I see you Aaron Gleeman, listen so you hear

***

Solid starting nine and a bullpen that works

Chase that other starter and get the ball to Perk

Rotation is unsettled on that we all agree

Give Andy some time, and like a blind man see

***

Just wait until June and please be respectful

Watch us compete in that AL Central

Tigers look tough, Whities got some pluck

Cleveland is improved and KC's got bad luck

***

Almost outta time, gotta go to work

Just one last request: don't be a jerk

Brief reminder that I just don't hate ya

But y'all be nicer to that Kevin Correia