The Twinhua News Agency Spring Training News Update

J. Meric

We're all on the lookout for big spring training news. Luckily, we have the Twins to tell us all exactly what to think.

Fresh off of two important milestones in the Twins' spring training season, Minnesota takes on Pittsburgh today at noon central time. Before the game, though, the Twinhua news agency has a few important dispatches from the central bureau.

  • Mike Pelfrey had Tommy John surgery less than one year ago, but we are happy to announce that his arm has been magically healed by a genie, and he will absolutely be ready to pitch up to fourteen innings per start, beginning today.
  • We are pleased that we have been granted a special dispensation to allow Pedro Florimon's defense to also count for him at the plate, where he will be awarded first base whenever he hits the ball more than 90 feet, either on the ground or in the air.
  • Rich Harden is in the best shape of his life, and you can ignore the strange grinding and squeaking noises that you might hear when he raises his arm above elbow level.
  • Just forget about Anthony Slama. He is being well cared for and in no way mistreated.
  • Kevin Correia is a strike thrower and a solid starter. No, we are not waving this pistol for any reason. Ignore the pistol. Look at the num- wait, ignore the numbers. Look at the pistol.
  • Young prospect Brian Dozier is truly a bright young star on our team, and has many great years ahead of him, and there is no truth to the rumor that if you look it up he is actually 34 years old and a twelve-year minor-league veteran.
  • Aaron Hicks needs exactly two months more of seasoning in the minor leagues. This has nothing to do with holding onto an extra year of arbitration, only that our exceptional scouting staff agrees that June 1 is a perfect date on which to start a major league career.
  • The bullpen is shaping up to be one of the great strengths for our team this year, and the statistics that show that it is league-average at best are lies, propagated by a conspiracy threatening to destroy our team from within.
  • That we have hung a price tag around Josh Willingham's neck is in no way an indication that we will sell him at any price before some part of his body stops working.
  • We would like to announce that, despite the fact that he sold his house and his car and he is carrying everything he owns in a suitcase everywhere he goes and the name plate on his door has been removed, the team is in no way thinking of firing Ron Gardenhire.

And as always, the Twinhua News Agency would like you thank you for watching your AL Central Division Champion Twice Removed Minnesota Twins!

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