Ten Most Likely Scenarios for Why Anthony Swarzak Fractured His Ribs

"Ouch, by ribs!" - Jesse Johnson-US PRESSWIRE

General Manager Terry Ryan says it was "horseplay", but mysteriously refused to give additional details. Here the discussion makes well-informed guesses as to the origin of said "horseplay".

Some guys break stuff playing Guitar Hero. Others endanger their lives and everyone else's by running an amateur barbecue school. For Anthony Swarzak things aren't quite as simple, but information from reliable* sources has helped us compile a list of likely events which culminated in two fractured ribs.

Jamey Carroll Head-butt

During a night at the Rock Bottom in downtown Minneapolis, Swarzak accidentally took a drink from Carroll's sippy cup. Carroll head-butts Swarzak, but can only reach his rib cage.

Impressing Girls

"Hey ladies, look at me!" shouted Swarzak, running full tilt into a turnstile.

Gut Punch Contest

After bragging about his new rock hard abs and many teammates expressing doubt of their existence, Swarzak challenged Justin Morneau to a gut punch contest. "I wasn't ready, you hoser" croaked Swarzak one punch later...from the floor.

Taking Pitches to the Gut In a Batting Cage

Swarzak's life philosophy is loosely based on this scene from Happy Gilmore, and reportedly told friends: "Only a few more weeks til baseball season, I gotta toughen up!"

"Horseplay"...With Who?

Understanding that the above is a solid representation of Swarzak's day-to-day life, some believe that the aforementioned "Horseplay" actually went a little something like this. Except instead of Happy Gilmore and Bob Barker, it was Anthony Swarzak and Terry Ryan.

Impressing Girls #2

"Hey ladies, look at me!" *Belly flops into a pool from 30 feet.*

Jackass Ripoff

"I'm Anthony Swarzak and you're watching Swarzamerica!" yells Swarzak, before a baseball bat is swung into his ribs. The camera pans back to reveal a confused but biddable Joe Mauer. "I think you cracked a rib," laughs Swarzak, standing back up and immediately getting a swing to the ribs from another bat. Swarzak falls over and the camera pans back again to reveal Josh Willingham with the smile of a shark. Heard off camera: "That's two."

What Happens When Ice Fishing On Lake of the Woods, Stays On Lake of the Woods

Gardy ices his hand in a bucket, his words full of meaning:"Swarzy knows why his ribs are fractured."

Impressing Girls #3

"Hey ladies, look at me! I like the young people music!" *Joins mosh pit at Fall Out Boy's comeback tour.*


Swarzak accidentally touched Rich Harden during a team meal and absorbed his injury-prone faculties by osmosis.

* = Made up

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