Swagging out can cause shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, dropsy, a rivalry with Drake, Legionnaire's Disease, corruption of your Netflix queue, cat juggling, and a poor relationship with the earth's gravitational pull. - Elsa
What is Las Vegas saying about the next weird/hilarious injury that will befall a current or former Minnesota athlete? Will Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas be involved?
While it's far from the glory days of Marty Cordova's tanning booth mishap or Lew Ford ironing himself, the rash of goofy injuries to current and former Minnesota athletes continued this week when it was announced that Sasquatch enthusiast Anthony Swarzak cracked two ribs while engaging in what was termed "horseplay" during TwinsFest. (We have no way of knowing if any horses were involved in said horseplay, but we're going to assume there was, because that makes the story better.)
In the wake of Swarzak's horse-grappling, Carl Pavano losing his spleen due to snow-shoveling, and Kevin Love's knuckle-pushup weirdness, it made us wonder what the next injury will be and who it will befall. Never fear, as Las Vegas has released their odds, which we share with you now.
- Attempted Regicide: Glen Perkins (10-1). It's been rumored that Perkins has declared himself the King of his native Stillwater, and has taken to walking up and down Water Street in a homemade crown and cape with the words "MEDIA GOOD GUY" printed on them, knighting dogs, squirrels and other small animals. This will not go over well in the democracy-loving Washington County community, and no doubt some local may attempt to come at King Perkins.
- Swagged Out: Danny Valencia (4-1). The former Twins third baseman, known for his "When in doubt, swag out" credo, has been linked to the Biogenesis/PED scandal in Miami. The risk of over-swagging to combat these charges is quite high, and one that Valencia would be advised to avoid. A potent cocktail of Axe body spray and Ciroc may sound super-swaggy, but is in fact quite dangerous.
- Hit in Head by Delicious Chipotle Burrito Fired from a Burrito Cannon: Ricky Rubio (OFF THE BOARD). The Timberwolves point guard and future of the team plays for the most truly cursed franchise in professional sports. Vegas is not in the business of losing money. This is going to happen. It's only a matter of when, not if.
- Rage Explosion: Chris Kluwe (15-2). The Vikings punter accidentally reads the comments section of any internet article about gay marriage. He spontaneously combusts. Peter King sort of criticizes him for not exploding directionally, and Kluwe re-animates just to write 2400 words for Deadspin shredding King for the implication.
- Hysterical Pregnancy: Zenon Konopka (20-1). He's a hockey player. He'll play through it.
- Emotional Devastation: Ron Gardenhire (11-1). Gardy had to part with and shuffle around many of "his" guys this off-season. All of his pitchers are getting hurt right before they report to Fort Myers or are two years away. His status as Twins manager has never been more tenuous. He's on a knife's edge, frankly. What if, after a 13-5 pounding from the Tigers, he comes home and realizes he's out of Silver Bullets? And he turns on the TV and Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas is on, and it just HITS him? What then?