Thanks, Joe, For The Cheese Coupon!

I opened up my envelope containing the Twins tickets I ordered online (yes, paying full price is stupid when they'll all be worth $.99 on StubHub by June, but I take disabled people to the games and we have to schedule our outings like that a ways in advance.) Along with the tickets and a wallet schedule (why don't the schedules list regional radio affiliates, anymore, that's really handy when you're on a camping trip), I got two Crystal Farms buy-one-get-one cheese coupons.

Given this site's running gag about Mauer being so white-bread vanilla that he's just a dairy kind of guy, I smiled at the coupons (which are pretty good!) I also thought, hey, if Mauer = cheese coupon, then what others would fit the Twins roster? It's FanPost time (a synonym for "wasting time" time.)

Josh Willingham: Special one-hour ticket window for pre-ordering Kenny Chesney concert tickets. (Phone orders only; country music fans can't figgur out them dang 'puters.)

Anthony Swarzak: Damaged-box special on Cabela's binoculars, of course.

Jamie Carroll: With purchase of "Game Of Thrones" season 2 on DVD, you can get one signed by Peter Dinklage. He includes a letter explaining that it's funny he looks a lot like Jamie Carroll, not funny that they're both kinda small. Both are good at what they do and Dinklage was in "The Station Agent," for Pete's sakes. Ha-ha; got that last bit? "Pete's sakes"? Good. We'll move on.

Kevin Correia: Buy a Northern Brewer homebrew kit and get a free 3-foot siphon tube. Not because Correia brews beer, but because in order to start a siphon one must first suck hard.

Trevor Plouffe: Get $15 off your next Menard's purchase when you buy a multi-outlet power strip and gas generator during the same transaction. Protect yourself against unexpected power surges and/or outages all at once!

Kyle Gibson/Mike Pelfrey: 2-for-1 deal on Creamette elbow macaroni. (Alternate: a Men's Wearhouse "rent a tux, get free cuff links" deal.)

Parmalee/Hicks/Benson: FREE shipping on orders of Dickens's classic "Great Expectations."

Vance Worley/Cole de Vries: Free admission to any gentleman's club near Target Field for patrons not wearing glasses. Our dancers, who are all hugely personally attracted to customers, hate men wearing glasses. Get contacts already, you giant four-eyed nerd.

Ryan Doumit: Free initial consultation at any authorized opthamologist offering Visik's new "Cosmetic Pupil Corrective Surgery" procedure.*

Scott Diamond: Show your Target field ticket stub within two hours after the conclusion of any Twins game in which Diamond lasts fewer than six innings and receive $.05 off selected Canadian Club brand bottles of whiskey. If Diamond pitches more than six innings, the whiskey is free. Available at participating liquor retailers, who are really enthusiastic about this promotion.

Glen Perkins: A 30-day trial "Perkins' Platinum" membership. Benefits include chain-restaurant food not cooked by some guy hired yesterday named "Zeebo" who leaves visible pubic hair in the scrambled eggs. Plus, you can steal all the little jelly packets you want, even if you're under 70.

Twins non-roster invitees: One free ITunes download of any song by British rock group "The Who."

Justin Morneau: Fans who've bought tickets every year since 2003 receive 10% discounts on all Twins-related purchases as part of the team's new "Support Loyalty" plan. (Offer not valid after July 31, 2013.)

Ron Gardenhire: 20% off the first 5 bowling lessons from Ron Gardenhire. (Offer valid only on or after October 1, 2013.)

Well, that's all I can think of for now, and I don't want this thing to be longer than it already is. Get on it, Twins marketing staff!

*(Procedure may not be covered by some insurance providers. All decisions made by insurance providers regarding payment are final, and customers are responsible for any uncovered costs incurred before, during, or after the procedure. Accidental blindness is not class-action liable and claims must be submitted to a Visik-approved arbitrator, who hates wimps that go blind. This offer is void to Guam residents and in any state or territory except Guam. Additional restrictions may apply, consult a Ouija board for details. The act of scanning this disclaimer with your eyeballs constitutes acceptance of this disclaimer under US and international law. By the way, since no-one signing these things reads them, we'd just like you to know that we screwed your mom yesterday in the literal sense and not the figurative sense by which we are screwing you. Copyright 1893, Visik, LLC.)

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