Local media members thought they were getting an advanced look at the newest food and drink offerings that would be for sale at Target Field this season. What they got instead was a slow-acting dose of a deadly poison, as the Minnesota Twins tried what some are calling an "outside-the-box" approach to improving public relations and perception.
A source close to the front office said that the scrumptious array of walleye fingers and locally-brewed craft beers was laced with imperceptible amounts of an unidentified toxin that, if left untreated, would prove fatal in 7-14 days. The assembled print journalists, television and radio personnel and baseball bloggers were informed of this fact by Twins president Dave St. Peter at a press briefing immediately after the luncheon.
"He basically got up there and said, 'Hey, guys, just so you know, you've all consumed enough poison to kill a team of horses,'" said Twins blogger John Bonnes. "He then told us he had enough of the antidote, but there was a catch."
That catch, it seems, is positivity.
"Well, we've already moved our radio broadcasts in-house," said the front-office source, referring to the team's move from 1500ESPN to the Pohlad-owned 96.3 FM. "But that's not going to stop some blogger from shitting all over the reduced payroll or some negative Nellies like (Star Tribune columnist/1500ESPN host Patrick) Reusse or (KFAN radio personality Dan "Common Man" Cole) Common spending two hours making fun of a professional like Kevin Correia. We had to come up with a wide-ranging plan to deal with this."
Multiple sources confirm that the poisoned attendees need to sign an affidavit that they will be "super nice" to the Twins, "especially in the first couple months as the rotation sorts itself out." Once signed in front of a notary public and/or TC Bear, he or she is given the antidote.
In a written statement, St. Peter said that, while the team "regrets if anyone is offended," they "look forward to working with local media for another great season of Twins baseball!"
Initial reports that not everyone who attended was poisoned have since proven inaccurate. "We're not monsters," said the aforementioned source. "We made sure our new Garden Goodies offerings, which focus on vegetarian and heart-healthy options, were completely free of the poison. Dave told the media that anyone who stuck to the healthy food was in the clear and free to go. No one moved."
One attendee who asked not to be named noted that after St. Peter was done speaking, many of the bloggers went right back to the tainted buffet and continued to eat and drink. "I asked one of them, I think it was one of Twins Daily guys, why on earth he was drinking poisoned beer. He just smiled and said, 'Dude, free beer. Don't cost nothin'.' Then he got another plate of nachos."