Source: Kevin Correia is on his way to your house to beat you up

Hannah Foslien

According to sources, Kevin Correia is sick of your snide comments, and is on his way to your residence or place of business so that he can pound you into hamburger.

According to a source with knowledge of how bad things are going to be for you, Twins pitcher Kevin Correia has heard all of those things you said about him this offseason, and is coming to find you so that he can pummel you.

Correia, 32, signed a two-year contract worth $10 million in the off-season, a move that many - including you - criticized at the time. Through five starts, however, Correia has a 3-1 record and a 2.23 ERA, has pitched at least seven innings and allowed three or fewer runs in each of the five games, and now also has a pretty good idea of the things you've been saying about him.

Other published reports have indicated that Correia has told people close to the situation that you are "dead meat," and that he "wants to have a little talk with you" about all of the things you said. Though he is not sure where you live yet, he's not going to stop looking, because you have a little payback coming.

According to the source, Correia is planning to shout, "How do you like me now, huh? How do you like me now!" while raining blows down upon your cowering form. He also plans to employ insults like "pasty-faced," "blubbering," and "calculator-loving pocket protector-having butthead."

Commentators have speculated that Correia, who is 6'3", 200 pounds and a professional athlete, will flatten you like a pancake and force you to cry like a fat kid who has dropped his ice cream.

Twins president Dave St. Peter released a short statement that read, in part, "While the Minnesota Twins Baseball Club does not officially condone this sort of violence, Kevin Correia is far better at his job than you are at yours, so I hope you enjoy eating your food through a straw for a couple of months, loser."

Additional sources have indicated that, following your well-earned beating, Correia plans to return to his wife and three sons who love him, as well as winning baseball games and getting guys out and generally not giving a crap about what you think of him.

City officials, while calling for calm, have also noted that you should run and hide because Correia is unstoppable and he's going to find you, so say your prayers, buddy.

At press time, Correia's whereabouts are unknown, so you better lock your doors and say your prayers.

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