Local Idiot Wants Mauer to Hit Dingers, Fix Roof

"Mauer sitting down. There's some breaking news for you." - Hannah Foslien

One Anoka resident has seen just about enough out of the Twins' All-Star catcher.

Area dullard Tom Hanson has a new problem, and that problem's name is Joe Mauer.

"Mauer's taking up almost a third of the team's payroll and look at my goddamn roof. Water everywhere. Thanks a lot, golden boy. I suppose you had to do something with the time you spend not hitting dingers."

Hanson, who had previously blamed Twins manager Ron Gardenhire and pitching coach Rick Anderson for everything from a crumbling foundation wall to a failing marriage, has now trained his almost boundless ire on a new target.

"Look at this roof. LOOK AT IT," said Hanson, gesturing to a buckling area near the home's entrance. "Got this thing shingled in 2010 for a pretty penny, now it rains three days in a row and I've got buckets all over my house. Meanwhile, when he's not taking days off, Baby Jesus won't lift the bat off his $23 million shoulder when they throw the first pitch right down the fucking middle. It's unbelievable."

The fact that Mauer is having a very good season, has played in 41 of the team's 44 games, and has nothing to do with the faulty roofing is not stopping Hanson. The divorced Anoka electrician, who co-workers call "a classic North Metro shit-for-brains," is letting everyone know what he mistakenly believes is the truth.

"The minute Mauer suckered them into signing that mega-deal, everything in my life has gone to pot. You can call it a coincidence, but I'm on the internet a lot and I know some things that the lamestream media won't tell you. I used to think this was all on Gardy and Anderson, and make no mistake, those frauds should be on the next train out of town. But it's Mauer's fault. Always has been, always will be. And who do you think has to pay for another new roof, the $23 Million Singles Hitter or Tom Hanson? I'll give you a hint: it's not the guy who's ripping off the taxpayers of the state of Minnesota. The Red Star (Star Tribune) usually blows, but that RandBall guy nailed it."

Hanson's small handful of friends say his latest dunderheaded outburst predates this latest home repair issue.

"His ex-wife Carol got remarried the same weekend as Joe Mauer got married," said Paul Serie, Hanson's next door neighbor. "I was out walking the dog that night and you could hear him in the garage just screaming ‘LOCAL HERO MORE LIKE LOCAL ZERO GODDAMMIT,' stuff like that. Lotta empty McMaster's bottles in his recycling bin that week."

Hanson says he's running into problems with people correctly taking his bewildering rants less than seriously.

"Here's what I know: I called into (Jeff) Dubay's show on KFAN (actually 1500ESPN), and I finally get through to tell everyone the truth about that bum, and he makes fun of me and hangs up! Then I realized they need to kiss Mauer's ring because they're in bed with the Pohlads, just like everyone else in this town."

For his part, Hanson claims that he'll continue to incorrectly blame Mauer for things indefinitely.

"I'm thinking of getting a Twitter account and getting the word out about just how terrible Mauer is. They say you can only write like 100 letters (actually 140) on it, but I bet ‘My roof is shot because that candy-ass Mauer sucks' makes the cut."

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