THIS IS IN ALL CAPS TO HAMMER HOME THE FACT THAT I AM ANGRY AND YELLING.
Here I will list a reason why every single player on the 25 "man" roster should be FIRED AND THROWN INTO A HOLE. Anyone who says otherwise is drinking the KOOL-AID.
Jared Burton: You pitch two (2!) days in a row and turn into this precious CHINA DOLL that needs to be delicately protected! GONE!
Kevin Correia: Not only is your last name suspiciously close to "Korea" but also... You know what, that's good enough! ADIOS.
Samuel Deduno: Sure you had a good WBC, but who cares? There's effectively wild and then there's you. FIRED.
Scott Diamond: You're a soft-tossing lefty who needs to have impeccable command just to be AVERAGE. Your last name is very misleading! BYE.
Brian "DUNCE" Duensing: You're just like Scott but with a more accurate last name! AXED.
Casey "NOT FINE" Fien: If MEDIOCRITY were a song, you'd be the VERSE. SEE YA!
Mike Pelfrey: You remind me of Nick Blackburn, and not the semi-decent version of Nick Blackburn either. GONE.
Glen Perkins: Only 8 saves??? ADIOS (I RAN OUT OF WAYS TO SAY "FIRED")
Ryan Pressly: Your 5.9 K/9 are very disappointing. OUT OF HERE (there's one!)
Do I even HAVE to give a reason for Roenicke, Swarzak, Thielbar and Walters? BAD, BAD, BAD, and BAD... FIRED!
Ryan "NOT VERY FAST" Doumit: You're not very fast at all! FIRED. (I think I'll just stick with "FIRED" from now on)
Chris Herrmann: You have 2 unnecessary letters in your name, wasting us money on your jersey! FIRED!
Joe "NOT A HR" "LAZY" "OVERPAID" "LAZY!" "BILATERAL LEG WEAKNESS" Mauer: I see you've hit two home runs these last two games... psssh BARELY. In fact, you hit so few HRs that they had to review them just to be SURE they were actually home runs. And when you DO hit home runs, they're only SOLO SHOTS, JOE. SOLO HOME RUNS DON'T HURT, JOE. THEY DON'T! Don't you listen to BERT?? FIRED.
Jamey Carroll: You're old AND have two unnecessary letters in your name! FIRED.
Chris "Who?" Colabello: I've never heard of you. FIRED
Brian "Running out of reasons... crap" Dozier: You're hitting .197. FIRED.
Eduardo "Kinda stretching things now" Escobar: You teased us with a .500 average early in the season. WHAT HAPPENED, ESC(NO)BAR?? FIRED.
Pedro "I'm not really serious about this whole post" Florimon: You're just Alexi Casilla but taller. FIRED.
Justin "Slap hit" Morneau: Umm... FIRED.
Aaron "There isn't a good nickname for me" Hicks: YOU'RE NOT DENARD SPAN OR TORII HUNTER OR KIRBY PUCKETT! FIRED.
Chris Parmelee: You're taking too long to get it together! FIRED.
Josh "I can hit a HR, but only when I'm willing"-ham. FIRED
This post was inspired by all of the nonsensical fans on the Twins Facebook fan page. If you want a good laugh, just read the comments section any post on there.