Ex-Twins, Assemble!

Hannah Foslien

And now, a record of the first official meeting of the Ex-Twins Who Feel Bad Committee.

SCENE: The All-Star Game. Afternoon. A conference room at Citi Field. Seven former Twins sit around a table in swivel chairs, one of which - unfortunately the one given to Joe "Twitchy" Nathan - squeaks badly.

TORII HUNTER: Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I wanted to get us all together in a room this weekend, because I talked to Gardy the other day, and he doesn't sound good. I'm pretty sure he was drunk, and he was talking about buying a motorhome and following Phish on tour. I can't stand to see him like this, guys. How can we help?

GRANT BALFOUR: Hold on. I'm pretty sure I never played in Minnesota.

HUNTER: Yes, you did. You were there for like three years. We were there at the same time.

BALFOUR: Wasn't that Milwaukee?

HUNTER: No, it was Minnesota.

BALFOUR: I'm pretty sure it was Milwaukee.

CARLOS GOMEZ: Do you smell bratwursts grilling wherever you go? Even now, when you haven't been in Milwaukee for months, even years?

BALFOUR: No.

GOMEZ (slinking down in his chair): Then it wasn't Milwaukee. (mumbles) Man, I could go for a bratwurst...

HUNTER: Speaking of that, where's David Ortiz?

MICHAEL CUDDYER: I told him Tom Kelly might be here.

HUNTER: Oh no.

CUDDYER (defensively): Well, how was I supposed to know? Anyway, security wouldn't let him bring the guns or the crossbow up here, so he got mad and went to go put the stuff back in his car.

HUNTER: Yikes. Well, how about it? Anybody got any ideas?

CUDDYER (brightly, a touch too innocently): How about you punch Nick Punto again?

JOE NATHAN (playing along): Yeah, we could even go get Justin Morneau, so you could have someone to aim at.

HUNTER: Are you guys ever going to let that go?

NATHAN (snickering): I don't think so, Sugar Ray Leonard.

J.J. HARDY: Excuse me, but can I just ask why I'd even want to help the Twins? When I hurt my wrist they tried to tell me that I actually needed a root canal. Then a guy told me I had too much yellow bile, and I should take cold baths.

NATHAN: Oh, fancy - they brought in the specialist. They told me I needed a referral to see that guy.

HARDY: I've never seen somebody laugh so hard as the team doctor in Baltimore, when he read the notes in my medical records during the physical.

HUNTER: Well, I'm sure that -

JESSE CRAIN (interrupting): Did any of you ever get sent to see the relaxation coach?

HUNTER: The who?

CRAIN: He had an office on the lower maintenance level of the Metrodome. I had to go down there four times a week. He looked like a janitor. Anyway, then Rick Anderson would show up wearing a bathrobe, and the relaxation coach would sort of hypnotize me, and when I came out of it all I could think about was how I didn't want to strike anybody out.

BALFOUR: Hey, I remember that guy! But I'm pretty sure I was in Milwaukee.

CRAIN: It wasn't until I got to Chicago that I started thinking, you know, I kind of like striking guys out. If they strike out, they can't hit the ball, you know?

NATHAN: Yeah, they sent me to see that guy, too, but he could never put me under. He said I couldn't ever calm my - hey, look out there! That semi has a picture of a truck on the side! It's like Truckception! BWAAAAM!

HUNTER: So none of you want to help Gardy out, here?

HARDY: Not really, no.

BALFOUR: Not really.

GOMEZ: Wait, which one was Gardy again?

CUDDYER: Listen, Torii. I get what you're trying to do, but look at us - every one of us is actually doing better since we left Minnesota. We're making more money, we're playing better baseball. We've moved on.

HUNTER: Well, we should do something. Minnesota made a lot of us who we are.

NATHAN: Hey, if you feel so strongly about it, you know what you can do, don't you?

HUNTER: What?

NATHAN: Go back to Minnesota and play for the Twins again.

We fade out on a roomful of players laughing uproariously. Several are mirthfully pounding the table with their fists and wiping their eyes.

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