(NOTE: Tom Hanson has been profiled at Twinkie Town before. This time, he's asked if he could write about the Twins in his own words. The following has been edited for numerous spelling and grammar errors, and an entire passage about the Affordable Care Act has been removed.)
It's my opinion that Joe Mauer is as soft as the dumb pillows my ex-wife Carol used to buy and put all over our bed. So it comes as no surprise to me that he would abandon the team RIGHT BEFORE THE GAME STARTS to fly a private jet home to Minnesota for his own soft kids to be born.
Me and Carol had four children, and you know how many of them I watched being born? 0-for-4, just like a Mauer stat line when the game's important. I was out working for a living for a workingman's wage, not $20 million a year. Carol or her mom would call me and tell me she was going to the hospital, but I was at my job working for the crappy insurance that would pay about 40% of the goddamn bill, or blowing off steam at the Legion while she's getting anesthesia for "labor pains" quote-unquote. (My mom had 10 kids, and she never had anesthesia, unless Pall Malls count. Heck, last three she didn't even leave the house I don't think.) I should see if Carol's related to Mauer. Ha!
Anyway, I don't remember any stories about Herbie or Kirby (RIP) or the G-Man (RIP) (EDITOR'S NOTE: Gary Gaetti is alive) leaving the team to be with their wives when their rugrats were being born. I do remember that each one of them has a world championship ring or two on their fingers. How many does Mauer got? Yeah. THOUGHT SO.
If that wasn't bad enough, what happens when Mauer's gone? The back-up to the back-up catcher Hartmann (sp?) (EDITOR'S NOTE: Chris Herrmann) goes and hits a grand slam dinger to save Perkins' overrated ass! Isn't that something? Mauer can't hit a clutch single to save his life, much less a homer, and our number 3 catcher hits a ding-dong with the bases juiced! He's probably not eating up 25% of the team's salary cap neither (EDITOR'S NOTE: There is no salary cap in baseball).
So, when Mauer milks it for a week or two and finally comes back to the team, I'd like it if they just said, "Hey, Joe, maybe ride the pine here a bit if you're so damn interested in sitting and not doing anything. You're already real good at that!" But since Gardy sucks and Terry Ryan sucks and Carl Pohlad is too busy counting his money to fire them (EDITOR'S NOTE: Carl Pohlad is deceased), they'll probably just throw him back out there. It's bullcrap, and if you got a problem with that, you can come tell me that to my face.