The Twins Go Picnicking for the Fourth of July Weekend

Hannah Foslien

And now: some Fourth of July silliness.

SCENE: A park. Toronto. Evening. The MINNESOTA TWINS are scattered about on the grass, some playing Frisbee, others just relaxing. A grill, one of those grills that is cemented into the ground and spends most of the year as a home for a family of chipmunks, is ablaze. The smell of charcoal (and, presumably, chipmunk skeletons) wafts about the area. We see RON GARDENHIRE walking up the hill from the parking lot, joining things already in progress.

JOE MAUER (reclining in a camp chair, glass in hand): Skip! Good to see you. Glad you came.

GARDENHIRE: Sorry I'm late. There was a thing at the - why does that sign say "Glen Perkins All-Star Barbecue?"

MAUER: We renamed it. He's just so happy. Look at him.

PERKINS is standing on a picnic table, shirtless, drinking directly from a bottle of Kahlua, arms raised in celebration.

PERKINS: I'm king of the world! Suck on that, Toronto!

MAUER: He's been yelling that for two hours now. (yells) Great job, Glen!

GARDY: Well, that's... wait, what are you drinking?

MAUER: A white Russian!

GARDY: Really?

MAUER: Yes!

GARDY (after a pause): Really?

MAUER: No. He hangs his head. Some of the guys started laughing at me. Please don't tell.

GARDY: Sure, sure. (pointing over at two distant figures, who are sitting with their backs to the rest) Who's that over there? They don't look like they're enjoying themselves.

MAUER: That's Morneau and Diamond. They're still mad that nobody went to their Canada Day cookout the other day.

MORNEAU (yelling): We got independence too, you know!

DIAMOND (also yelling): HOSERS!

MAUER (yelling back): You guys were serving broiled beaver tail! Nobody wants to eat that!

MORNEAU: Shut up! It's delicious and you know it!

DIAMOND: Yeah!

MORNEAU: War of 1812, jerks!

They chest-bump.

MAUER: You weren't even a country in 1812!

DIAMOND: SHUT UP! Tears well up in his eyes.

MAUER (turning back to Gardenhire): You see? There's no pleasing some people.

OSWALDO ARCIA sprints through the picnic, carrying a sparkler in each hand and wearing a nautical captain's hat and a T-shirt that reads "PREPARE FOR BOARDING."

ARCIA: HOORAY! I LOVE CANADIAN MEMORIAL DAY!

GARDY: Does he -

MAUER: We tried to explain. It's better this way. (yelling back at Diamond and Morneau) Like that! Can't you two get in the spirit?

Diamond and Morneau, arms linked, are singing 'O Canada' and paying no attention. Arcia tries to tackle them both. They sidestep easily. Arcia rolls down a small hill.

GARDY: He's gonna sleep good tonight. So anyway, you said there was something I had to see?

MAUER (brightening up): Oh yeah! Doumit and Willingham are going to have a footrace! We're calling it "Glen Perkins' Fourth of July One-Legged Race."

PERKINS: I'm king of the world!

GARDY: Is this a good idea?

MAUER: Don't worry. They've both been drinking, and they're both from the South, so they're indestructible right now.

GARDY: Doumit's from Washington.

MAUER: Yeah, but southern Washington.

DOUMIT: Let's do this!

WILLINGHAM: ROLL TIDE!

They race. Both run ten yards, then veer too close together and get tangled up. They go down in a heap. Flames somehow begin to shoot out of the pile. Caleb Thielbar, who is carrying a fire extinguisher and is for some reason wearing a full-length rain coat, runs up and puts out the flames.

MAUER: See? No harm done.

GARDY: This is the worst party we've ever had.

MAUER: That's not true. Remember the year Delmon had to go to the hospital?

GARDY: Oh yeah. He should have known that he couldn't eat all that.

MAUER: I never did find out where he got the entire roast pig.

We fade out, to the sounds of "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Mauer dances. Nobody else does.

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