Due to intrepid reporting, yours truly has been able to discover why so many presumably appealing Twins trade targets have slumped or become injured in recent weeks. The answer, faithful readers? They don't want to leave.
"Christ, can you even begin to imagine the shitstorm that is the Oakland media?," relief pitcher Jared Burton offered. "It's like a never-ending hell train hounding your every breath. Don't send me back there." Burton then grabbed me by the back of my neck, bringing my face uncomfortably close to his, so close that I could smell the vodka and BO, before whispering, menacingly, "not back there. Not ever."
DH/outfielder Josh Willingham speaks only in a garbled mashup of ancient European immigrant dialect and moonshiner slang known, to linguists, as "hillfolk talk," but second baseman Brian Dozier was able to translate most of it. "He digs it here," Dozier said. "He don't want to go to a city where the cops are clever, sophisticated-like. Most places, a 50-gallon barrel of pseudo be seen in a hurtfully judgmental way, 'stead of a feller just havin' a whole mess of runny nose. Plus, Minnesota has all reckon of good eatin' game. You got your squirrels, badgers, gophers. That's what a man do need to feed his chilluns." Added Willingham, "dyarb ooley mama done snorf."
First baseman Justin Morneau concurred. "Daddy -- I mean Gardy -- makes it nice for me here," the former MVP said. "Daddy doesn't hurt me much. Only when I've been bad." After this cryptic commentary, Morneau cradled his knees to his elbows and began swaying, humming a lullaby.
Even All-Star catcher Joe Mauer has joined in the futility, undergoing a recent slump. When it was pointed out that his contract contained a no-trade clause, Mauer, while taking batting practice, immediately smacked a small child in the face for no discernible reason, causing several attentive, sallow-faced women to flinch. "Bitches all want the J-Train!," Mauer screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "Ain't no fool lawyer gonna speak me no shit about some clause!" Mauer then adjusted his left leg placement, purchased the entire nation of Ecuador because he could, and wondered aloud, "they buy Chevrolets in Anaheim, don't they?"
Relief pitcher Glen Perkins offered a different perspective. "How much fun can you have catching fish when mosquitos are eating you alive?," he rhetorically asked. "None. That's how much. You know how many mosquitos they have in Pittsburgh? Zero. Zilch. Nada. I'd give my left arm to be out of this godforsaken backasswards jerkwater rathole." Perkins then paused, and amended his previous statement. "Maybe not my left arm."
Keep it tuned right here to catch the latest from your always vigilant, ever-truthful Eye On The Team, twinsbrewer!