Scientists Determine That Royals Sweep Was As Bad As 1999

Marilyn Indahl

For those of you who missed the salad days of Brent Gates and Benj Sampson, this last week is pretty much what that was like.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota crunched the numbers and collated the data after Thursday's game, and it's official: that home sweep at the hands of the Kansas City Royals was just as bad as anything from 1999.

"We thought there had been enough gradual improvement that something like this wasn't possible," said Dr. Bjorn Olthaus, a mathematics professor at the U. "But the data doesn't lie. That shitshow was 1999 bad. Brent Gates-playing-110-games-for-your-team bad."

Olthaus' partner in the research, Dr. Jerry Jerevick, said that they were surprised how strongly the data echoed the "fuckity fucking awful" 1999 campaign, which saw the Twins go 63-97. "To the naked eye, yeah, they looked like horseshit this week. But those late '90s teams set a gold standard for haplessness. So this came as quite a shock, because say what you will about the 2013 Twins, Chad Allen isn't playing in the outfield.

"But give this to the 1999 Twins," he added, "Clete Thomas wasn't their best outfielder. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what a mess. Clete Thomas!"

The Twins have scored just one run in each of their last four games and lost the season series to Kansas City 15-4. Longtime observers say even they're surprised at the depths to which the team sunk during this stretch.

"I've been coming to games since they were in the Met," said Rob Katzenmeyer, 53, of Maplewood. "This was as uncompetitive as I've ever seen them. 1999? Mike Lincoln started like 20 games for those shitbirds, right? (EDITOR'S NOTE: 15) Well, hell. Now I know who Liam Hendriks reminds me of."

The scientists were clear that they didn't think this year's club could surpass 1999 in terms of godawfulness, but warned fans not to take anything for granted.

"Let's say Joe Mauer has to sit the rest of the year," Jerevick said. "And Justin Morneau and Josh Willingham get shipped out, and the guys who replace them struggle even more than those two have. You add that to this rotation? Avert your eyes."

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