I read Ben Reiter's column on SI this morning and he mentioned that Cleveland's schedule was extremely weak towards this last week, as they face such execrable (poopy?) pitchers such as "Jared Devries and Jared Diamond."
SI has since fixed the article, but it got me thinking. Here is what I thought I thunk, I think: During his sabbatical, Terry spent alot of time flying around and spending nights in Holiday Inn Expresses and eating Subway sandwiches. And what he noted was that on all those coach flights he took pinned into the middle seat between Rochester and Minneapolis, everybody had a copy of Jared Diamond's thick book "Guns, Germs and Steel," an epic vision about how civilizations developed or didn't based on their relative resources, be it agriculture, plant or animal life, access to iron ore, or success in WAR , OPS, or fielding independent pitching outcomes with Billy Hamilton on second, two outs, and Bernardo Brito at bat.
It took a while for the connection to occur, but one day he was eating a $5 footlong meatball sub from Subway and he saw that guy Jared extolling the virtues of the Subway Eat Fit Menu or whatever it is called, and he had his epiphany:
Sign pitchers named Jared. It worked great initially, as Jared Burton has exceeded expectations. But there aren't a lot of Jared's out there, so the next step was to rename pitchers after famous Jared's, and Jared Diamond was a no-brainer. If you ever actually read his book, you learn why Europeans were able to dominate the Incans, and why the Yankees were able to dominate the Twins.
Jared Devries was a bit of a stretch, but works--if you've never seen Cole Devries its easy to picture him as a pasty faced dude scarfing veggie subs; hence the velocity on his fastball.
Jared Berrios and Jared Jorge will be a greater challenge, but T.R.'s tech department assures him there is an app for that.
Anyhow, SI fixed their story, so the thunder is gone, but Cheese and Rice! Who is going to start on opening day 2014? Jared J. Jared?