The Twins say their video goodbyes to Justin Morneau


(WARNING: The below did not actually happen.)

On his way out of town, Justin Morneau took time to send a letter to Twins fans, thanking Minnesotans for his long career here. It was enough to put a sniffle in the toughest Twins fan's thoughts; Morneau had been a Twin his whole career, for more than ten years in the majors, and it seemed like he could never quite leave.

His teammates must have thought so, too. As a surprise, they sat down and recorded a goodbye video for the Twins first baseman, which was delivered to him in the Pittsburgh clubhouse (on VHS; the organization has yet to spring for one of them fancy new DVD players), marked "Do not open until alone."

We here at Twinkie Town have worked with a source to get a transcript of that video, which we present below.

(/video opens with stock photos of various Canadian landscapes: a wheat field, an oil rig, and a clip from a Rush video, all playing over what sounds like a boys' choir singing a version of "O Canada" that includes dirty words)

RON GARDENHIRE: Mornie, we all wanted to get together and make a video to thank you for your time here. We're going to miss you, big guy, so we put a camera in the trainer's room today and let guys come in and record what they had to say. Good luck. (voice suddenly drops) And come home soon, wouldja? I think Joe is cracking up already.

BRIAN DUENSING: Hey, Justin. I just wanted to say thanks for everything. You taught me a lot about how to be a professional, and about hockey. An awful lot about hockey. You realize that we didn't have a team in Kansas, right? I never understood why you would taunt me about the St. Louis Blues. In fact, the more I think about it, the more that doesn't make sense. Anyway, thanks to you now I can't think about anything else, so call me and let's talk about the Schneider trade. I can't think about anything else. It's all that's in my head. (sobbing) You did this to me, you Canadian goon. You did this.

JOE MAUER: Hey, Justin. I just wanted to say- uh, one second here. (He gets up. We hear the sound of a door closing, then Mauer appears back in front of the camera, his face pressed up close to the lens) Listen. You've got to get me out of here. I don't know how, but you've got to make it happen. People are looking at me to be a clubhouse leader! Me! I can't tolerate these idiots and their neediness and their staring eyes! All these new guys are asking me questions now, and I don't know what to do. The other day Clete Thomas asked me if I wanted to play Madden. What is that? Is it some kind of crazy drug game? WITH NEEDLES OR SOMETHING? You gotta get me out of here. I'm afraid, man. I'm afraid without you. Please help. (sound of door opening) What's that? No, no I'm fine. I'm fine...

RYAN DOUMIT: Activating sadness module. (beeps, buzzes) We are sorry for your loss. (whirring of gears) Attention operator: Please pat shoulder in a reassuring manner. (clicks) Error. (clicks) Error. (sound of fire starting) ERROR ERROR DOUMITBOT COMPROMISED ACTIVATE SHUTDOWN PROTOCOL ONE FIVE THREE (sound of shutdown)

JOSH WILLINGHAM: Justin, brother, we're going to miss you 'round these parts. Good luck up there in Pittsburgh. And would you please call Joe and tell him that easy does it? He stood up yesterday and read a prepared speech that went on for 45 minutes about how failing to prepare meant preparing to fail. The middle fifteen minutes was just him repeating cliches; I think he said "You mess with the bull, you get the horns" a couple of times. What does that even mean?

GLEN PERKINS: What's up, Justin. Hope you do good in Pittsburgh. Say, do those guys need a closer? You think I could maybe thrown on a handlebar mustache and pitch a few games? We'll call me Perk Glenins. Nobody will know. Think about it and call me.

KEVIN CORREIA: Justin, good luck with... screw this. I can't do it. I pitch for those losers for two solid years and what do I get? Nothing. You're in that godforsaken Pennsylvania hellhole for what, a month, and you get to go to the playoffs? Screw you. I hope you choke. (sounds of things breaking, gradually fading out) I'm sorry. It's just... frustrating, you know? I tried to talk to Joe about this and he started reading from a marked passage in the Uniform Code of Military Justice. This leadership thing is getting to him, I'm telling you.

ANDREW ALBERS: I've been asked to read a message from the Prime Minister. (sound of unfolding paper) Here we go:

There once was a sailor named Tex
Who gave up drinking and sex
By thinking of Jesus
And terrible diseases
And spending his nights below decks.

And it's signed "Good luck in Pittsburgh, Stephen Harper." Well, that doesn't make a lick of sense.

CLETE THOMAS: Hey, Justin, good luck in Pittsburgh! By the way, text me if you know where the other controller for the Xbox is. I asked Joe about it and he ran away crying.

OSWALDO ARCIA: Happy birthday, Justin! (Looks at someone off camera) What do you mean, traded?

TERRY RYAN: Justin, you're going to be missed in Minnesota. Good luck in Pittsburgh, and let's stay in touch this offseason about maybe bringing you back next year? I think we can make a very strong (sound of static that Ryan is clearly making himself) or maybe we can (more static)... I think I'm breaking up here. Sorry about that. (Voice from background: "Terry, that's a video recorder.") A video what now?

JOE MAUER: Justin, I just popped back in to tell you that I think I'm going to be okay. I found a better way of doing this. (Sound of Jake Mauer in the background, yelling at Trevor Plouffe to quit lazing around and get out and take infield) Good luck in Pittsburgh, buddy. We're all pulling for you.

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