The top 25 Twins excuses for why they can't win at home

Andy King

The Twins have lost ten straight at home, and own one of baseball's worst home records, at 28-39.

  1. Batter's eye magically starts to look like pine trees, but only when we're hitting
  2. TC Bear smells like vomit and children's cough syrup, it's distracting
  3. Wife and kids keep on trying to talk to me and stuff
  4. Uber-negative local media reports a story like every time we lose
  5. Fans near dugouts don't sandwich two compliments around every opportunity for improvement
  6. Pregame buffet is always Tinucci's, and sorry but Randy Moss was right about that place
  7. Too much of a hockey town for non-Canadians to thrive
  8. Christian Ponder, am I right?
  9. Major League Baseball makes us play an unbalanced schedule consisting entirely of other major league teams
  10. Too many famous people show up and make us nervous, like Craig Finn, and the drummer from The Replacements
  11. Kent Hrbek won't stop cleaning fish in the clubhouse
  12. Request to move fences in to 250 feet keeps getting denied
  13. Ghost of Carl Pohlad hangs around and steals wallets
  14. Evil wizard stole team, replaced it with a Triple-A team
  15. So many craft beers, so little time
  16. Coffee budget cruelly slashed by Tom "Greenies are good for you" Brunansky
  17. Local video store closed, can't rent "Little Big League" for inspiration
  18. Spending too much time worrying about whether Joe Mauer is going to be okay
  19. State Fair was going on, couldn't pass up the deep-fried candy bars
  20. Up late catching up on Breaking Bad
  21. Local housing market's so hot, I've been touring listings instead of doing pregame prep
  22. Are you sure this is home? This kind of looks like Texas or something, I don't think this is where we play
  23. On the road, you never have to take that *$&!% car in for the third time this month, that guy said it was the transmission but he charged me like four grand and it still shifts like a *$#@!&(% dump truck
  24. I just get lost in all the bike trails around here, it's like two-wheeled therapy, man
  25. Justin Morneau left empty Molson bottles like, everywhere
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