You know the Central teams. You know their devious, cheating ways. But how familiar are you with the rest of the junior circuit, the other teams Minnesota will steamroll on their way to
a top draft pick the World Series? Let's get you up to speed.
Baltimore Orioles: This year, the always-a-bridesmaid, never a bride Orioles will announce their paradigm-changing plan to revitalize fan interest and shake baseball to its foundations; a new, multipurpose stadium to be built in 2017. The facility will spur a wave of copycat structures with its high-tech artificial field surface and readiness for an MLS franchise, since MLS franchises are the Next Big Thing among pretentious Euro-aping young professionals and pretentious, cleverly book-cooking ownership groups.
Toronto Blue Jays: Led by R.A. "High Heat" Dickey and Jose "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Dubiously Legal Personal Trainer" Bautista, the Jays will surprise everyone by somewhat competing for half a season or so, then succumbing to injuries and the general indifference of ESPN to non-New York and Boston teams. Also, they will offer ticket discounts to fans who watch the entire game in their outfield hotel rooms naked.
New York Yankees: The Yankees are focusing on the future, as 15-year-old Alex Rodriguez(2), the non-steroid, surgically-separated genetic clone of disgraced star A-Rod, is expected to debut his shiny new body in AA next year. The Yankees plan to have a on-field, "Last Supper"-type disposal of the old A-Rod, where teammates will ceremonially consume the leftover tainted flesh from the original, flawed version, ensuring his spirit will live in them whenever two or more egomaniacs are gathered in his name.
Boston Red Sox: To avoid the usual World Series hangover, the Red Sox are preparing a controversial (but publicity-friendly) anti-Catholic-Irish theme to be rolled out whenever fans start moaning over the team's inevitable fall-off. The traditional 7th-inning sing-along of "Sweet Caroline" will be replaced with "God Save The Queen," the right-field foul pole will be renamed "Cromwell's Glory," and booze vendors will sell Bushmills whiskey instead of Jamesons. (Note: as long as it's whiskey, the fans won't care, those damned traitors.)
Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays will win 110 games, have a candidate for MVP, Cy Young, and Rookie Of The Year, and no-one will attend.
Texas Rangers: In a surprise ownership re-alignment, the Rangers will announce sale of the team to a investment group fronted by minority shareholder Chelsea Clinton. New to a born-again lifestyle of coke freebasing and savage booze consumption, the formerly low-profile Clinton will turn fan enthusiasm for her family name into a shady real-estate deal securing the Rangers a new ballpark in Austin, and insist the team trade aging prospects for future bat-corking sluggers.
Seattle Mariners: The M's (formerly Pilots, and that's "harbor pilots", not "plane pilots", you landlubbers) engage on a "Getting The Band Back Together" campaign, hoping to salvage (that's "take from the sea") some of the long-gone excitement from their glory near-miss years. Unfortunately the presence of Jay Buhner, Edgar Martinez, Randy Johnson, and the remaining non-injured pinkie-toe portion of Ken Griffey in the broadcast booth do not "bail out" (keep from sinking) a team whose only weapon is an aged, still-classy Ichiro. The Mariners then announce plans to fold their remaining assets into local franchises the Seahawks (that's "water birds") and Sounders (that's "Noisy Things.") Hideous eyesore Safeco Field is demolished for scrap plastic, with beloved Seattle icon Kevin Durant ceremonially pressing the plunger ("thing that gets too much poop dislodged from your poop-disposal pipe.")
Oakland Athletics: The A's continued high-rolling dominance of MLB will come to a head when, at the trade deadline, the team acquires Steven Strasburg, Clayton Kershaw, Joe Mauer, and Yasil Puig for retiring peanut vendors. Half of the A's All-Stud roster will be sent on a "goodwill tour" to baseball-starved Minnesota, since the team acquired more than the requisite 25-man roster just to keep them away from the hated rival Mariners. Cross-town customer competitors the San Francisco Giants will declare bankruptcy and fold as fans swarm to the ambience of Oakland Colesium, where container ships idle about in the bay to catch pieces of raw sewage flung over the walls.
Los Anaheim Dodgers of Angeles: The Angels focus a rebuilding year on hopes for up-and-coming five-tool prospect Mike Trout, who many observers say could be the next Byron Buxton. Some negative Nellies point out that Buxton has not yet singlehandedly saved his team from mediocrity; Trout believers rightfully disagree.
Houston Astros: Despite valiant efforts, the Astros fail to secure the #1 pick in the 2015 draft, which goes to . . .