Have you ever wanted to pitch in front of thousands of people on a regular basis? Were you told that you weren't good enough to play baseball beyond college? Well have I got some news for you! The Minnesota Twins are currently looking for someone to pitch full time. If you can answer yes to any of the following questions, you've got the job.
Can you throw a baseball 90 MPH? How about 80? We'll even take 70 MPH. 40?
Have you played collegiate baseball? Have you played high school baseball? Have you played Wiffle Ball?
Do you have a good pick-off move? Do you have any pick-off move?
Can you strike out a Major League batter? Can you strike out a Minor League batter? Can you strike out a Little League batter?
Do you have at least one hand? Can you throw the ball in the correct direction? If I asked you what an "umpire" is, could you tell me?
Do you have a good understanding of the rules of baseball? Do you have a basic understanding of them? Do you have any understanding of the rules of baseball? Do you know what baseball is? Can you point to Minnesota on a map? Can you point to the United States on a map?
If you answered yes to any of these, congratulations! You have what it takes to play for the Minnesota Twins. Simply walk into the clubhouse about three hours before game time and tell Ron Gardenhire that you will be pitching that night. Thank you so much!
(I am aware that our pitching staff is not entirely incompetent, nor are they complete idiots. I actually appreciate them. They just sometimes make me a little angry. This is simply my way of venting my frustrations. That, and possibly actually finding some help.)