SCENE: The Twins' training room in Fort Myers. Through the door, we see a handful of players already in the clubhouse for the day's game - Glen Perkins sorting through some mail, Josh Willingham working on a bat, Francisco Liriano trying to throw a wad of tape into the trash can but repeatedly missing. With the team announcing that henceforth, all injury updates will come from general manager Terry Ryan or assistant GM Rob Antony rather than the training staff or field management, the principals involved are gathering for their first injury update meeting. Ryan and Antony arrive, bustling in the door with a professional air, to find head trainer Rick McWane cleaning a fish on his desk.

MCWANE: Fellas, come on in! (gets up, moves around to front of desk, where he sits, apparently directly in the fish entrails) Boy, I can't tell you how glad that you fellas are going to be in charge of the injury updates this year. These meetings with Gardy were getting pretty strained by the end of last year. You wouldn't believe how many times I had to explain how sand wasn't the problem. Strange fixation on sand, that guy.

ANTONY: What?

MCWANE: Never mind, never mind. Now, as I understand it, my job's to keep you guys up to date on what's going on with our guys, correct?

RYAN: Yep, that's right. We just want to make sure we're getting the right information out there. You know the kind of thing that happened last year.

MCWANE: Boy, don't I. Did you guys know bilateral leg weakness was an actual thing? I told Gardy to say that because it sounded like something my mechanic would tell me. Guy always says, "Rick, you've got some frelennia in your gronkulator here," or whatever he says, and then I end up paying fifteen hundred smackers. I figured I could make something up and it'd explain the whole thing. Who was I to know that I'd accidentally said something medically relevant? First time for everything.

RYAN: Oh my goodness.

MCWANE: Yep. That one's on me, fellas. Anyway, I'm supposed to give you some injury updates.

ANTONY: Let's start with Luke Hughes.

MCWANE: Sure. Guy's got kind of a bad wing and so we're taking it easy on him. Won't be swinging a bat for awhile. But we've got him on the usual rehab plan: he's writing "I will not bother the training staff" a hundred times a day, with the other hand of course, and in his spare time he's allowed to Google "shoulder injury treatment" and do anything he finds on the internets. I figure there must be something good out there. Other than the stuff Valencia uses that computer for, I mean.

RYAN: That's his rehab plan?

MCWANE: What do you want me to do, have him lift weights? Every time I make him try to throw the ball he whines about how it hurts. I'm like, I can't do everything for you, kid.

RYAN: What about Joel Zumaya?

MCWANE: Same thing: the usual. Got him throwing eleven times a day, and if he mentions anything hurting, I hit him in the arm with a fungo bat.

ANTONY: You're hitting him in the arm with a bat?

MCWANE: The other arm, doofus. The one that's not hurt. I'm not an idiot.

RYAN (faintly): Do I dare even ask about Brian Dozier?

MCWANE: Well, he's a tough case, I'm not gonna lie to you. Got a cut on his finger, and my leech supplier down here went out of business over the winter, so I'm running a little bit low. We'll figure something out, though.

RYAN: Oh no.

ANTONY: I think we're done here.

MCWANE: (waves airily) Sure, sure. You guys stop in any time.

They leave. McWane looks down at the fish carcass on his desk, then back up at the door.

MCWANE (calling after Ryan and Antony, who are out the door and halfway across the clubhouse): Say, either of you know how to clean a fish?

Let me start by saying, if you didn't read Jon Marthaler's post yesterday, skip mine for now and go do yourself the favor of reading it. Fantastic, fantastic work.

Done yet? Ok, good. Back to my rambling.

Every offseason carries countless minor league signings for every team. Some get a lot of attention -- specifically if they're formerly successful big leaguers -- while others end up as a bullet point in a news story that few take the time to even read. Fans at Florida and Arizona parks in March who are there as much for the weather as for the game will see a number somewhere in the 80-90 range, hear a name they don't recognize, and maybe flip through the program to read the name they'll soon forget. These guys don't have the chance to make the roster. They're relishing their days in a big league camp, knowing that a roster cut with their name on it is coming, and smiling all the way to the chopping block. They soak up knowledge from veterans and dream of being regulars themselves one day, if they're young enough. For the journeymen who populate camps every year, they might just hope for a cup of coffee in a pinch so that they can tell their wide-eyed grandkids what it was like to make contact on a Justin Verlander heater -- even if it was just a weak foul ball.

As fans, we may often roll our eyes at these signings, ignore them, or sometimes ask "who the [insert expletive of choice] is this guy?" Rarely do we allow ourselves to be caught up in the narrative behind a minor league signing, especially one who will only be competing for a Double-A job, but in my case, Chris Colabello's story was too great to pass up.

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Spring training begins this week. The Seattle Mariners, incredibly, have already reported; they open the season in Japan this year and so they figured they'd better get a jump on things. For the rest of the league, the musical lyricality of the phrase "pitchers and catchers report" trips across the tongue this weekend. The Twins show up Saturday, the first workout for pitchers and catchers is Sunday, and the rest of the team gets in a few days later.

It's sunny where I am, as I write this. It's sunny and the snow has disappeared and it's getting light out when I wake up and the sun is still above the horizon when I leave work. It's kind of impossible for me not to sit down and make a list about baseball, about good baseball things. And as with so many things... it begins with the Cubs.

Continue reading this post »

It's the Twins' last day in Fort Myers - it feels like we should celebrate by making some Top Five lists.

The Top Five Twins Spring Training Storylines

1. Michael Cuddyer's disgusting foot
2. Justin Morneau's head
3. Joe Mauer's knee that apparently has nothing wrong with it and he's just not playing because so much nothing is wrong.
4. Kevin Slowey getting sent to the bullpen, possibly because the team doesn't like him because he was smart enough to not have to major in Eating Rocks in college.
5. Ron Gardenhire discovering Twitter

The Top Five Things Ron Gardenhire Would Tweet About, If He Ever Got A Twitter Account

1. Bowling
2. RVs
3. Getting after it
4. Thinly veiled threats to @OzzieGuillen
5. Fake Twins news ("Kevin Slowey was just eaten by wolves lol lol")

The Top Five Things That Are Getting "Accidentally" Left Behind In Fort Myers Today

1. Ten cans of Turfman's Best Moustache Wax, sent to Carl Pavano by a few admiring middle-aged ladies and one hopeful young man
2. Twenty pounds of M&M's that just wouldn't fit in Matt Capps's suitcase
3. The Mayor's Cup
4. Anthony Slama
5. Every one of Drew Butera's bats
   

Five Awards The Twins Care More About Than The Mayor's Cup

1. Jose Mijares's T-shirt for eating twelve blazing hot wings in less than one hour
2. Ron Gardenhire's suspicious honorary doctorate from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology
3. A self-printed congratulatory certificate for reaching Level 99 Night Elf that Lew Ford left laying around a few years ago
4. Joe Mauer's 1992 award for making all the way to Oregon as a farmer from Illinois, along with two members of his party, "Poop" and "Wang"
5. A "Somebody Went To Carlsbad Caverns And All I Got Was This Lousy Magnet" fridge magnet that Wayne Hattaway won as a door prize

Five Promo Days The Twins Rejected For This Year

1. 1981 Twins 30-year reunion, commemorating the team that went 41-68 and finished last
2. LaTroy Hawkins bobblehead to commemorate the ten-year anniversary of the team's 2001 August collapse
3. First 10,000 fans get a wispy Matt Capps goatee
4. Reunion weekend for all members of the Dustan Mohr 3,000 Hit Club. (He's just 2,660 hits short.)
5. First 5,000 left-handed fans get a chance to pitch out of the bullpen

MLB.com Twins beat writer Kelly Thesier is moving on to better things, and last week, she took to her blog one last time to let her replacement introduce himself. His name is Rhett Bollinger, and he says the following: "I've actually never been to Minnesota, however, but have heard great things about the state and of course, Target Field. So if you have any advice, send it my way."

We here at Twinkie Town are nothing if not helpful, Rhett....

Welcome! It's good to have you on board here in Minnesota. I see from your intro, however, that you've never been to our fair state, and presumably you haven't been following the Twins very closely. Here's a few things you need to know.

First things first – we need to do something about that name. "Rhett Bollinger" is not a good name for a Minnesotan. It stands out, it calls attention to itself. Rhett Bollinger played lacrosse for Johns Hopkins, or won three events on the Pro Surfers' Tour – it's not a name that you'll want to be saddled with here. Go for something nondescript and Scandinavian. "Ryan Petersen" would be good. Your model here is Joe Christensen, who used to be called "Jackson Mountfriar-Smythson" before he started here.

Second, you're going to see a ninety-year-old man wandering around in the press box, blathering to anyone he can reach. That's Sid Hartman. He's an institution here, and your job as a member of the Twin Cities press corps is to prop up that institution without actually letting it get in the way of your job. Humor him, answer his random questions, but on no account let him sit next to you unless you want to spend all night dealing with him. Also, at some point he may wipe mustard on you. Just let it go.

Next, a word about some of the figures you'll be dealing with. Ron Gardenhire is a good quote, but you'll eventually realize that he falls back on the same cliches over and over again. For example, do not quote him when he says that a pitcher "threw the living fire out of the ball." You'll figure out that he says this every night. Part of your job is to make up other, more colorful statements for him. (He's from Oklahoma, so you can put any words you want in his mouth and people will believe you.)

Don't waste time trying to get a decent quote out of Joe Mauer, as a dozen years in the spotlight and a Minnesota upbringing have turned him into the blandest human being on the planet. I'm sure he might be interesting in private, but getting him to publicly show emotion, candor, or personality is a losing battle. Spend your time watching Alexi Casilla teach Spanish curse words to Tsuyoshi Nishioka instead.

That said, if you ever do get any dirt on Mauer, you take it with you to the grave. Our entire state depends on Joe Mauer being a nice boy from St. Paul that every mom in Minnesota wishes her daughter would marry and her sons would be more like. If you ruin that, the state will collapse and we'll have to move next door and mooch off South Dakota and it will be your fault.

If you need some color, go to Justin Morneau. He's from Canada, and they don't have media there so he has no built-in filter. If you can get to him during the hockey playoffs, when his guard's down even further, you can probably get him to say anything.

Michael Cuddyer can do magic tricks. We know already. That said, if you can get us video of him doing tricks on Nishioka, go for it, because that would be awesome.

Now then, let's review some basics about our state – starting with geography. A quick primer: Minneapolis and St. Paul are the Twin Cities. If you're more than 50 miles from either, they - and anything that can be loosely called a "suburb" - are called "the Cities," and are viewed as dens of sin and iniquity and gunfights. Minneapolis is loud and vibrant but annoying, like a Labrador retriever that won't quit barking. St. Paul closes at 8:30 pm. St. Cloud is for drunks. Rochester has the Mayo Clinic and therefore is focused on death. Duluth is a really nice town, except when it's 25 degrees in June and coated in a layer of ice. Everything else is either farms or fishing, both of which are better here than anywhere else in the world and don't you dare say otherwise.

A few other helpful hints:

• Minnesota Nice is a real thing, but you have to ask. Otherwise we'll assume that you just want to be left alone. (We're not good at confrontation of any kind.)
  
• Being an outsider, you are not allowed to complain about the weather in any way. Suck it up. Being from here, we are allowed to complain all we like; do not point out the inherent hypocrisy, because we don't like you mentioning it.
  
• In Minneapolis, the avenues run north and south, the streets run east and west. In St. Paul, the roads run wherever the hell they feel like and either end in a deserted parking garage or with an unexpected 85-foot drop to the river, so be careful.
  
• You are allowed to say cruel, hurtful things about Wisconsin and Iowa. (We believe those things to be true.) You are allowed to ignore or patronize North and South Dakota. (We believe they're not real states.)
• We love Target Field because it's a great park and it's outside, but deep down, we're all a little bit embarrassed that it's so fancy.

We hope you do well here in Minnesota, Rhett/Ryan. We really do. You'll pick up everything else as you go along. Good luck, and remember: do good here, and you'll be One Of Us forever. There can be no higher achievement.

Fox Sports North will broadcast today's Twins game against the Marlins, live at 12:05 from Hammond Stadium.  It's FSN's first broadcast of the spring, and for those of us who couldn't make a March trip to Fort Myers, it's our first look at the team in 2011.

Award yourself the appropriate number of points if you see any of the following things on today's broadcast:

Joe Mauer wearing a full uniform: 1 point
 - Wearing catcher's gear: 2 points
 - Wearing a pirate hat and/or eyepatch: 7 points

La Velle E. Neal III in the press box: 1 point
 - On the field before the game: 2 points
 - In line at the concessions stand while the game is going on: 5 points
 - Trying to explain to fans that he's not Al Newman: 11 points

Brian Dinkelman: 1 point
 - But you identified him without seeing his name and number of the back of his jersey: 8 points

Any evidence that Dick Bremer or Bert Blyleven is not wearing shoes: 2 points
 - Not wearing pants: 6 points
 - Not wearing a shirt and either smoking a cigar or eating a meatball hoagie: 14 points

Tsuyoshi Nishioka with his translator: 1 point
- With Ray Chang: 2 points
- With Ray Chang while Denard Span looks bewildered: 19 points

Jim Kaat: 1 point
- While clearly telling a raunchy story about his playing days to Justin Morneau: 9 points
- While sitting on Morneau's lap: 24 points

Any shot that shows at least two Canadians: 2 points
- Bonus points for degree of difficulty if the two Canadians are Rene Tosoni and Scott Diamond: 4 points

Any old person in the stands that's nodded off in the middle innings: 1 point
- Bonus if they look like Sid Hartman and you submit a picture: 12 points

Any pitcher getting in some running on the warning track during the game: 1 point
- Jose Mijares stopped, looking winded, on the warning track during the game: 3 points

And... go! You're on the honor system for points. Although if you see Mauer in the pirate hat, you may just win automatically, no matter what the points say.

It's spring training, and though I'm thrilled baseball's back, I can't actually see it for myself on the TV, not for another week. And don't get me wrong, I love the coverage that we're getting from Fort Myers, but there's only so many times I can read quotes from pitchers who say they "feel great" before I get bored.

And so, here' some stories to watch out for from the coming week in Fort Myers. These are things that we think could quite possibly make news this week (but probably not)...

• Nick Punto has to be forcibly removed from the Twins' clubhouse on Monday, where he is found clinging to Ron Gardenhire's leg and crying.
• On Tuesday, The Hunt For Joe Mauer In Catching Equipment continues to prove fruitless. Rumors fly that the catcher's leg has rusted completely, Tin Man style, and that Mauer will attempt to play the year with a peg leg.
  
• In lineup news, on Wednesday Gardenhire announces the rest of his starting rotation, his planned outfield platoons through June 1, and his final 25-man roster for the year. Gardy also unveils the clubhouse menus for the season, the team's flight schedules for the year, and a detailed, 127-slide PowerPoint presentation regarding improvements that can be made in the team's laundry service.  Terry Ryan reveals publicly that he "regrets" giving Gardy a copy of "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People."
• Thursday there is no news, so every media outlet reports one of the following stories:
  1. Tsuyoshi Nishioka is Japanese.
  2. No, really, he's like from Japan and stuff. But don't worry, they have baseball over there. Kind of.
  3. Boy, that Japanese media... how about those guys, huh?
     
• Friday marks the passing of a milestone: the 2,500th question from a media member to a Twins official or player about Justin Morneau's timetable for recovery. (The answer, as ever, remains, "We have no idea because we are still afraid that Morneau will wake up with the bells of St. Mary's playing inside his skull any day now.")
  
• Saturday, Pat Neshek strikes out the side in a spring training game, and for the first time all spring, Gardy says Neshek's name out loud, but pronounces it incorrectly just for spite.
• Sunday, Drew Butera hits left-handed in a split-squad game against the Phillies. He strikes out three times, but no one notices. An absent-minded Joe Vavra, who as a matter of principle refuses to make eye contact with Butera, mumbles something about "keeping your head down."

Not much of a week for news, then. But frankly, it's not like we'd know the difference.

(Note: The Twins spring training opener wasn't on TV here in the Twin Cities, and my powers of visualization aren't good enough to provide you with a decent game recap from the radio. Consequently, I'm writing these game notes off the box score, and making up my own details to give the whole thing a little bit of color.)

(If you don't like this, I completely understand, but I also think you're taking a February 27 game a bit too seriously.)

Only one game is in the books, but it already seems clear that the Twins will dominate the Grapefruit League this season, winning the Mayor's Cup in the process and earning all of the benefits that come with both successes, which can best be represented by the equation: D + S = B, where the variables stand for ""Diddly", "Squat", and "Bupkus." Two of these are also names of players in Twins minor league camp. Call Seth Stohs ($1.99 for the first minute, 79c per minute thereafter) and he'll tell you which two.

A few notes from the game:

• Joe Benson's three-run triple in the fifth inning broke the game open for the Twins. Red Sox center fielder Mike Cameron claimed to be distracted by a low-flying aircraft, which on further investigation turned out to be the moon, and Benson's line drive rolled all the way to the fence. 
• Jason Repko also tripled in a run, calling into question Boston's decision to make Darnell McDonald play left field blindfolded and without a glove.
• Jeff Bailey homered for the Twins, which was funny because nobody in the Twins organization has any record of the team ever employing a player by that name.
• Tsuyoshi Nishioka was 1-3 and drove in a run before giving way to Ray Chang at second base. A confused Denard Span was overheard asking multiple team officials why Nishioka had been allowed to change his jersey and stay in the game.
• Pat Neshek threw a scoreless inning, but Ron Gardenhire told reporters following the game that Neshek had failed to display the proper attitude, and was being sent down. Told he couldn't do that yet, Gardy got angry and threw his hat while mumbling about people "not throwing right."
• Brian Dinkelman was thrown out at home plate after Scott Ullger charged off the bench, tackled new third-base coach Steve Liddle, and sent the slow-footed Dinkleman home from first base on a wild pitch.
• Anthony Swarzak showed up to camp 30 pounds lighter, but was treated for dizziness and battle fatigue after giving up four hits and three runs (including a home run) in one inning. Said Swarzak, "Forget this. Somebody get me a pizza and a can of chocolate frosting."
• Chris Parmelee doubled and singled in two trips, which should get him on course for another year of hitting .240 in Beloit. (We're kidding! We have no idea where Chris Parmelee will hit .240 this year!) (No, seriously, we're kidding, and would never make random jokes about a minor-leaguer. Except for this one. And all of the other ones today.)
• Carl Pavano started and threw a pair of scoreless innings, striking out two. I have nothing funny to say about this because I don't know if he had a mustache going or not.
  
• Drew Butera struck out twice and left three guys on base. It's nice to see that at least one guy is already in mid-season form. Local blogger Nick Nelson was treated and released at Hennepin County Medical Center after suffering several self-inflicted, Butera-caused stab wounds.

The Twins are back in action today at noon, playing Boston yet again, but this time on "the road" across town in Fort Myers. Nick Blackburn and Kevin Slowey are both scheduled to pitch for Minnesota, then brawl with each other down the left-field line as part of Gardy's effort to get more "toughness" out of the fifth starter in the rotation.