I'm barely even going to get into the absurdity that is Bill Smith and Mike Rizzo both overvaluing Drew Storen so much that it's downright comical (Smith thinking it's a good idea to trade a 27-year-old elite defensive center fielder for a reliever, and Rizzo saying "no this reliever is too valuable, give me more than your premium position player that's locked up at a below-market cost" is somewhere around the baseball equivalent of Caddyshack in terms of epic humor in my mind). Instead I'm wondering why exactly Bill Smith was trying to (in his mind) hit a home run, when the Twins should've been looking to hit a single.

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Last year, Twinkie Town was the only Twins-related media outlet to make the case for acquiring TV super-helicopter Airwolf.  The Twins ignored that advice.  The Twins did NOT win the World Series.  Draw your own conclusions.

This year, the Twins most glaring need, besides health, is shoring up the bullpen.  The only reliable options right now are Joe Nathan and Glen Perkins.  With both having spent time on the DL, the starters not getting to the 7th inning with any sort of consistency, and the rest of the 'pen unreliable at best, it's clear the Twins need to take drastic measures.  They seem to know this, otherwise Denard Span's name wouldn't keep coming up as possible trade bait.  However, as tantalizing as Drew Storen's upside may be, there's another name out there that no one's talking about, a dark horse that could be a real game changer in the last two months of the season: Edward Cullen, Vampire.

Hear me out.  

Cullen, the chaste, male protagonist of the Twilight series of young adult novels that your mom has read, has a baseball background, as this YouTube clip shows.  Let's break down the case for Cullen:

• Power arm.  Although he's apparently slotted as an outfielder due to his outstanding closing speed, Cullen displays the kind of arm that sets scouts to drooling.  
• Daylight: not a problem!  The literature on vampires would have you believe that if a vampire is exposed to daylight, he or she will turn into a pile of ash.  Not Edward Cullen!  Instead, he sparkles!  (No, really.)  He's already more effective in direct sunlight than Josh Hamilton.
• Chaste.  No need to hide your daughters around this young prospect.  Edward doesn't even have the sex with female protagonist Bella until the fourth book.  The fourth!   
• Not a shirtless wolfboy.  Edward's competition for Bella is shirtless wolfboy Jacob.  You need to wear a shirt when you play baseball.  Jacob never wears a shirt, as again, he's a shirtless wolfboy.  So, while Jacob's lupine athleticism makes him an intriguing prospect, the uniform violations alone prevent this from being a serious discussion.
• Immortal.  Sign him when he's "young," and if you play your cards right, you have a right-handed bullpen option for generations*.  

*Just keep him away from shattered, pointy bats.  And don't bless the Gatorade cooler, Churchy.

The balance of the Twins trade deadline talk has centered around adding a starting pitcher, and the same names keep coming up:  Roy Oswalt, Dan Haren, Ted Lilly, etc.  While these are perfectly reasonable names to discuss, what becomes lost in the back-and-forth about no-trade clauses, extensions and how many prospects to give up is the obvious answer to the team's starting pitching woes: Airwolf.

THE FACTS

Now, critics may say that signing Airwolf is "too expensive," or "it's a TV helicopter, it doesn't have arms," but critics are jerks.  The following things are undeniable FACTS:

• Airwolf is an "advanced supersonic helicopter with stealth capabilities and a formidable arsenal," just like Stephen Strasburg.  But can you FLY Stephen Strasburg?  No. No, you cannot.  ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
• Airwolf first appeared in 1984 and is currently an unsigned free agent, just like Roger Clemens.  Unlike Clemens, Airwolf has never been associated with steroids or Mindy McCready.  ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
• The home locker room in Target Field is said to be a vast improvement over the cramped quarters at the Metrodome.  Room enough for a supersonic helicopter?  OSHA and the City of Minneapolis Fire Code may well say that it would be an issue were Airwolf and Jose Mijares to share a locker room, but there has to be a work-around.  ADVANTAGE: KNOCKING A WALL OUT OR SOMETHING

THE NUMBERS

Airwolf's numbers also compare favorably to the other pitchers the Twins might be looking at:

As far as other '80s-era super machines, it's a slam dunk:

THE FINAL ANALYSIS

As far as signability goes, it shouldn't be a problem.  Jan-Michael Vincent hasn't appeared in a movie since 2002, so he should be available for the veteran's minimum.

Here's how my preferred rotation stacks up:  Liriano, Pavano, AIRWOLF, Duensing, Baker, giving you lefty, righty, helicopter, lefty, righty.  If this looks familiar, it's because this is the same set-up that worked so well for the mid-'70s Oakland Athletics.  (The helicopter was Vida Blue.) 

Fortune favors the bold, Bill Smith.  Make it happen.

(Thanks to  ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com for the image of these dogs "airing their business")

Actually...have there been any rumors?

Since the Cliff Lee debacle, the Minnesota Twins have been awfully quiet in regards to the upcoming non-waiver trade deadline.  This isn't much of a surprise.  When Terry Ryan was the General Manager of this organization he played things very close to the vest and we heard very little about so much as something as trivial as trade speculation.  It was pretty quiet.

Under Bill Smith, we hear even less.

I'm definitely not opposed to this policy.  The Twins have their own unique brand, and that brand is business.  And as any good Minnesotan knows, you don't air your business in public.  Unless you're a dog.  But that's a different kind of business.

We'll scrounge up any rumors and put them in one place, right after the jump.

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Twins deadline history 2000 - 2003
Twins deadline history 2004 - 2006

July 30, 2007

Minnesota Twins trade Luis Castillo to the New York Mets for Dustin Martin and Drew Butera

At the time of this trade, the Twins were in a frustrating third place.  In spite of having plenty of talent the team wasn't meeting expectations (sound familiar?) and so, in a bit of a surprise maneuver, Terry Ryan "sold" at the deadline by dealing their leadoff hitter.  Players were upset, the fanbase was confused, but ultimately Ryan thought that these two players were better than any compensation they might get from Castillo in free agency if they received any at all.  He wasn't a part of the team's future.

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We've bantered about this for a few weeks, so let's actually run the numbers.

Depending on who you talk to, the 2010 Minnesota Twins have a payroll somewhere between $97 million and $106 million.  Either way, they're right around the triple digit mark.  Going into 2011, we can assume some payroll growth, but expecting anything more than $115 million constitutes living in a dream world.

For '11, the Twins have seven players under contract.  Here they are.

Options

Jason Kubel:  $5.25 MM club option or $350 K buyout
Nick Punto:  $5 MM club option or $500 K buyout

At that price, it's guaranteed that the Twins pick up Kubel's option.  I'd also be shocked if the Twins picked up Punto's option, simply because the value versus cost balancing act starts to get out of hand.

Adding Kubel's option and Punto's buyout, 2011 total:  $73.5 MM

Arbitration

This is where costs start adding up quickly.  Matt Tolbert, Alexi Casilla and Kevin Slowey are arbitration-eligible for the first time.  Glen Perkins, Pat Neshek, Delmon Young and Francisco Liriano are aribtration-eligible for the second time.  Clay Condrey and J.J. Hardy will be arbitration-eligible for the third time.

We'll take a look at arbitration salaries, impending free agents and an estimated 2011 payroll and roster after the jump.

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Should the Twins be looking to acquire a third baseman at the trade deadline?  The idea has certainly drifted to the back burner in recent weeks.  The team obviously has bigger needs in the rotation and the bullpen is starting to look awfully suspect.  At the same time, Danny Valencia has performed admirably, the Twins have shown a willingness to (at least temporarily) use Michael Cuddyer at third, and Nick Punto continues to be an elite defensive infielder.

As Cuddyer spells Morneau at first, I expect the Twins to continue to use some sort of time share with Valencia and Punto at third.  I'm skeptical that Valencia will be able to maintain this level of production the rest of the season.  To me, Valencia looks an awfully lot like a guy getting by on a fluky batting average that could quickly be erased by a short slump.  That being said, it's hard to imagine the Twins sending Valencia to AAA while he's still hitting .314.

The decision of whether the Twins should pursue a third baseman rests on three important factors:

1. Is the front office willing to roll the dice with Cuddyer at third after Morneau comes back from the DL?

2. If Cuddyer is not viewed as an everyday option at third, can Valencia continue to hit well enough to garner regular playing time?

3. If Cuddy won't be used regularly at third, is there a realistic trade target that would contribute more than Valencia/Punto?

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Hopefully you enjoyed yesterday's walk down memory lane, because here's a recap of the mid '00's.

July 31, 2004

In 4-team trade, Twins trade Doug Mientkiewicz to the Boston Red Sox; Justin Jones was sent to Minnesota by the Chicago Cubs

People had been discussing the future of first base all season, with supporters on both sides.  On one side there were the supporters of Dougie Baseball, with his high sox, no batting gloves and tar-tainted helmet.  People insisted his defense was irreplaceable, took a few walks, rarely struck out and, in spite of having the worst season of his career at 30 (he hit just .246/.340/.363 prior to the trade), had still been a .290/.382/.437 hitter in his three full seasons as the team's first baseman.  Additionally, he was THE first baseman for the first competetive Twins team in a decade.  People had a soft spot for him as a result.

On the other side there were the supporters of Justin Morneau.  He'd just turned 23 when the Twins called him up in May, and he hit .290/.370/.542 with a pair of homers in 27 plate appearances before disappearing, but the whispers only got louder...the big Canadian had raked at every level in the minors, and the organization was desperate for a big hitter for the middle of the lineup.  He was called up again in July, this time for good, and played nearly everyday until Mientkiewicz was dealt to Boston.

We know how amazing Morneau has been for us, so there's no doubt that the Twins flipped Dougie Baseball at the right time.  Mientkiewicz continued to play until last season, when he finished as a 35-year old utility player in 20 games with the Dodgers.  He never again hit as well as he did in '01 or '03, but the man was a professional baseball player and provided value wherever he went.  His career ended with a .271/.360/.405 line.

The lost man in this deal is always Justin Jones.  At the time of the trade Jones was a 19-year old southpaw strikeout pitcher who had retired 213 batters in 190.1 innings.  Injuries stunted his growth after his arrival in the Minnesota farm system, so although he continued to have good strikeout numbers at New Britain in '06 it would be his last year with the organization.  As of 2009 he was a 24 year old, in his fourth season at Washington's double-A affiliate; the strikeout rates were way down, but control was still an issue.

More after the jump!

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