More photos » by Morry Gash - AP

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Rookie throws "like a crafty veteran".

In a shocking development following Tuesday's one-game playoff in Minneapolis between the Twins and the Tigers, Major League Baseball has just announced that Detroit's starting pitcher, Rick Porcello, is just 20 years old.  While players of both teams and the league were aware of this fact, it didn't stop Twins pitcher Scott Baker from voicing some envious feelings.

"He grows more facial hair than I do," said Baker sheepishly before telling the press how they could reserve their lower club season ticket seats at Target Field by logging onto Twins baseball dot com.

In spite of the information being freely available on the internet, the broadcasting crew of the televised event didn't bring up Porcello's age once.  When asked why, both Chip Caray and Ron Darling shrugged their shoulders.

"Well," said Caray, "my first name is Chip.  What do you expect from a guy whose first name is Chip?"

"Where's Dale?" giggled Darling, before asking us to repeat the question.  This time he appeared genuinely shocked.  "Porcello is just 20 years old?  That's preposterous!  He pitches with the veteran savvy of a man between the ages of 29 and 32!"

Indeed, the rookie pitcher delivered a strong performance which could jettison him into a favorite for the discussion of AL Rookie of the Year.  A statistical website, superawesomemegarealstats.com had metrics Wednesday morning showing that Porcello threw the fastball of a 29-year old, the slider of a 30-year old, the curveball of a 33-year old and the changeup of either a 36-year old or a 22-year old...which is still older than Porcello by a minimum of 14 months depending on when that fictional 22-year old would have his birthday.

When asked why he couldn't just throw "like a 20-year old, already", Porcello said "Two days after Christmas I can drink beer!  My dad is taking me to the bar!"

Sadly for TBS, now it's too late.  The youngest player in the American League this year, pitching that well in a game of that magnitude with that kind of confidence and savvy, well, that's a trough that Carey and Darling weren't able to go to time and time again, over and over until it was beaten into the ground, into the minds of the millions of baseball fans across the globe until it was so automatic and so engrained that they would be able to predict when the announcers would bring it up again and therefore want to vomit or at the very least turn it into a running joke that was still funny two days later.

"I can't believe we missed that chance," cried Darling, sobbing into his hands.

"My name is Chip," said Caray.

More photos » by Tom Olmscheid - AP

We're not ready to wave goodbye to the Dome quite yet.

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It's only fitting that, on the day the Twins were supposed to wave goodbye to the Metrodome, they ended up sticking around longer than they expected. We local Twins fans have to admit - though we bellyached long and loudly about the Teflon confines, the Dome has been good to us.

I grew up in outstate Minnesota, over 150 miles from the stadium.  My Dad started taking me to games in 1987, when I was five, and for the rest of my childhood, we attended at least one game every summer.  That's a bit of a drive to make.  Never once did we have to worry about a rainout.  As someone who lives in "The Cities" now, it's easy to forget that nearly all of Twins Territory resides where I once did - far enough away that a rainout almost qualified as a personal hardship.  For my entire life, the Dome guaranteed I had no worries.

I think it's easy to underestimate the effect this had on the team, as well. The great Steve Lombardozzi admitted as much in a post-ceremony interview yesterday, telling Dick Bremer, "It was really nice to know exactly what the weather would be like every day," or words to that effect.  The Twins haven't had to deal with bone-chilling, bees-in-the-bat-handle nights in April or October, at least not at home.  They haven't had to play three months' worth of home games with the sun beating down, or with the humidity at 135% and the mosquitoes swarming.  They haven't had an unscheduled, bullpen-exhausting home doubleheader in years.  I'm not saying the team wasn't tough enough to play outside, but there are plenty of days in Minnesota when it's preferable to stay in the air-conditioned (or heated) living room, rather than hang out outside.

This doesn't even take into account the home-field advantage the stadium always seemed to confer.  During big games, it was loud enough that players couldn't hear their own shouted conversations.  The famous fly-ball-camouflaging roof has helped.  The strange plastic mystique of the "Humph" has helped. As Kent Hrbek said at the celebration, "Where do we go when we need a win? We go to the Dome."

Plus, Whitey Herzog hated the stadium with a passion.  That's gotta be a major mark in the positive column.

It'll always be the place where Hrbie rollicked and Kirby rolled.  Where Brian Harper always fell behind 0-2 in the count, then got a hit.  Where Butch Huskey tried to run directly through the left-field fence.  Where we knew Greg Gagne deserved a Gold Glove, though he never won one.  Where Tom Brunansky was the only one who could field a ball in right field.  (And oh yeah, those world championship thingies, and the greatest baseball game ever, Game 7 in 1991.)

The Metrodome has been "Minnesota's Living Room," as they used to say.  More than anything, though, for me, and for thousands of other Twins fans, the Dome is the first place we ever went to see the home team. It's where I caught my first batting-practice, real-live major-league baseball.  It's where I got the Kent Hrbek-signed mini bat that is boxed up at home, waiting to be displayed in a prominent place in my first house.  It's where I learned that food fights at big-league games are possible, where I learned that mustard is drawn inexorably to clean clothes, and where I learned that ice cream always tastes better out of an inverted batting helmet.

I'm not ready to give up on those memories quite yet.  Good thing there's time for one more.

Having been gutted for the first 30 minutes following the game, I'm feeling a bit better.  How are you?

I did what was necessary.  I ran out into the street, fell to my knees in the pouring rain and tore the clothes from my body.  WHY JOE MAUER, WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE US?!?  I cried a little.  Then I had a sandwich.

I hope White Sox fans realize exactly how lucky they were today.  Because I more than understand exactly how UNlucky we were.  Blanked for eight innings, seven by Brian Duensing (that's right, Brian friggin' Duensing), THEN they manage to come back with two outs and two strikes with a pair of solo home runs?

It did make for great baseball.  Not for us, but for baseball.  Okay, and for Chicago.

But you know what?  I don't care how crap the AL Central is made out to be, the Twins still have a shot at the playoffs.  That's always the goal, no matter what point of the season you're at; until you're mathematically eliminated, you're playing for October.  Is the win-loss record disappointing?  Absolutely, but that doesn't change a thing.  We're still in it.

That is all.

I was at Sunday's loss to the Indians (0-5 this year, by the way - I'm a curse), and I noticed in the fifth inning that Orlando Cabrera had already accomplished so much in the game - or so little, depending on your point of view.  In the first three innings, Cabrera managed to:

1. Strike out.
2. Hit into a double play
3. Commit an error in the field.

Cabrera actually went on to strike out twice, hit into a pair of double plays, and boot two grounders (though he was charged with only one error), which surely must be one of the worst possible performances in one single baseball game.

This got the discussion going: what constitutes the anti-cycle (also known, variously, as the "Crap Cycle" or the "Cycle of Suck")?

In our best judgment, it's certainly a more nebulous feat than a regular cycle.  I think Cabrera hit the first three pretty well - strikeout, GIDP, error - but the fourth category is up for discussion. 

Eventually, we decided that the fourth category in the anti-cycle should be a wild card, awarded only in the case of special sucking.  In our opinion, the following things would complete the anti-cycle.  We have helpfully named them, for future reference:

1. The Carlos Gomez: Missing a cutoff man by more than 75 feet in any linear direction.
2. The Nick Punto: Failing to get a sacrifice bunt down in an important situation.
3. The Gomez/Punto Hybrid: Getting picked off a base.
4. The Lonnie "Skates" Smith: Any baserunning error so egregious that it lives on forever on blooper reels.
5. The Orlando Cabrera. Accomplishing two or more of the three main categories at least twice each.
6. The Milton Bradley. Throwing the ball into the stands after the second out.
7. The Steve Lyons. Losing and/or dropping one's pants in a public place, such as first base.
8. The Delmon Young. Any inathletic play and or act of falling over that leads to multiple extra bases and/or runs.
9. The Robin Ventura. Getting your butt kicked in a fight, especially by someone old enough to have grandchildren.
10. The Torii Hunter. Getting thrown out by more than 30 feet when trying to take an extra base for no discernible reason, i.e., making an out at home plate while your team is down three runs.
11. The Chuck Knoblauch. Any throw in the normal course of play that lands in the stands on the fly.
12. The Kent Hrbek. Injuring oneself while attempting a professional wrestling move.
13. The Manny Ramirez (Wild Card!) Any other play that defies all sense and logic while simultaneously embarrassing the franchise.

I'm sure you have more options... so suggest away!

More photos » by Tom Olmscheid - AP

Dave Pruemer: What are the odds of you guys going to the playoffs this year? Joe Nathan: (Whistles)

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Actually, yes, they can.  But WILL they?  Anyone?

These aren't good odds, nobody is fooling themselves here.  But can they do it?  Before losing to the Indians this afternoon, PECOTA gave the Twins a 13.3% chance of making the playoffs, according to traditional data.  It's less for the ELO-adjusted projections (11%) and the PECOTA's player-performance rates-adjusted odds (6.7%).  I'm guessing today's loss doesn't do much for those odds.

Out of the eight teams you could still consider "in it" (Yankees, Red Sox, Rays, Angels, Rangers, Tigers, White Sox and Twins), Minnesota is a distant eighth.  There isn't even a gambling man's hope of a Wild Card slot.

Let's hear it...

After inexplicably dropping two of three to the Royals, there's a fair amount of pessimism running through Twins Territory as we head into the weekend.  So we'll play with the "close but no cigar" theme today, with all of your clues coming from Twins players who played on a Minnesota squad that finished second at least once.

Who Am I?  (Answer:  Quentin McCracken)

• I was originally drafted by the Rockies
• My career year came the season after I left the Twins, when I talled a 107 OPS+
• I picked up MLB plate appearances for six franchises
• Just to make it easy on you:  I only played for the Twins one season

Who Am I?  (Answer:  Bernie Allen '62, Rod Carew '67)

• You only get one hint for me:  the Twins finished in second place my rookie season.  I was a second baseman.

Who Am I?  (Answer:  Dean Chance)

• I won 20 games twice, once for the Twins
• By the numbers I might actually have been a better pitcher the year after I won 20
• You've heard of me, if you're at all familiar with Twins history

Who Am I?  (Answer:  Chris Speier)

• I was the oldest player on a second-place Twins club during the season in question
• Once upon a time, I was a first-round draft pick by the Giants

The 1989 version of Nick Blackburn.

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My 20-year high school class reunion is this weekend, and besides being a good excuse to knock back a few, see some old friends, and whine about the humidity (we're from Renville County, it's what we do),  it also provides a convenient hook for my feature this week. I decided to take a look at the 1989 Minnesota Twins, and see how they compared to this year's talented, frustrating ballclub.  The similarities are spooky.

• Record: 80-82.  .500 ballclub?  Check.
• Offense: Some superior talent in Kirby Puckett (led AL in average at .339 and hits with 215), Kent Hrbek (25 HR, 84 RBI) and Gary Gaetti (19 HR, 75 RBI)?  Check.
  
• Starting Pitching: Only two starters with double-digit wins (Allan Anderson and the immortal Roy Smith)?  Check.
• Staff Ace: under .500 (Frank Viola: 8-12, 3.79 ERA before the trade)? Check.
• Relief: dependable closer with facial hair (Jeff Reardon, 31 saves)?  Check.
• Pitching coach who would be getting creamed by the blogs if there were blogs in 1989: Check.  Dick Such is a lucky man.

The more things change, huh?  Other items of note after the jump:

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Nothing feels better than telling all of your friends your most personal secrets via your Facebook status.  How else would they efficiently stalk you?

Joe Crede called his mom because he took a walk tonight!

Delmon Young likes hittin' XBH's...

Francisco Liriano strikes you out, bitch!

Orlando Cabrera is ridin' dirty!

Nick Punto went 4 4 4!

Ron Gardenhire

In not getting on base?

 

Nick Punto

What?

Joe Nathan wants to pitch agains the Royals ALL THE TIME!

Ron Gardenhire thinks it's about time my boys win!

Jason Kubel is wondering if he could be a dark horse for Twins offensive MVP?

Justin Morneau doesn't know the difference between Canadian bacon & ham!!!???

Jesse Crain is glad he didn't pitch tonight.

Jeff Manship OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG i think i peed myself

Carlos Gomez go zoom, no crash!

Joe Mauer thinks his sideburns get sexier every day.  NO DOUBT.

Matt Guerrier is working on cloning himself.  Please knock b4 entering basement.

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