SCENE: The Target Field front office. A pleasant middle-aged lady named Barb sits at the front desk, wearing a headset and answering calls. She is capable, knowledgeable, and helpful, and any observer is struck by the feeling that if she took a sick day, by 5:00pm the entire office would be in disarray, if not actively on fire. As she types away on the computer, the phone rings.

BARB: Minnesota Twins baseball club, how may I help you? Oh, hello, Mr. Nishioka. How has your offseason been? (Listens for a moment.) Oh, geez, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. (Listens some more) Oh. Oh dear. My goodness. Well, listen, how can I help you out today?

An employee from the baseball operations department drifts out of an office opposite the front desk, clearly concerned about the phone call that he's overheard.

BARB: What's that? Oh, the spring training information? I'm sorry, I don't know what could have happened with your information packet, we should have sent you one and your agent should have received one too... Okay, let me just look that up for you quick, hold on a second there.

The team employee starts to life, waving his arms above his head to get Barb's attention. Barb looks at him quizzically, holding her hand over the mouthpiece of her headset to muffle any noise. The employee walks over to her desk, picks up a sheet of paper headlined "NISHIOKA SPRING PLAN A," and taps it warningly with his finger. She shakes her head emphatically, but after a brief flurry of wordless gesticulation, it becomes clear that while Barb doesn't want to go through with this plan, it's been long-discussed by the organization, and she had better toe the line.

BARB: Are you there, Mr. Nishoka? I'm sorry about that, it took a minute to pull up the file here, our computers are so slow, ha ha. (Reading off the sheet) Okay, so spring training begins this year on April 11... yes, it's quite late this year, isn't it? It's something to do with leap year and the moon. I think Easter is late too this year, I can never tell. Anyway, so it's April 11 - you'll probably want to get there a couple of days early, of course - and we're holding it in Dusseldorf, Germany this year. (Listens) Oh yes, it's quite strange. We're trying to explore the untapped German market, I think. Is there anything else? No? All right, you have a good day, sir. We'll see you in a couple of we- months, I mean.

The team employee nods, and turns back into his office. BARB hangs up the phone. We can see that she is not happy with what she's done, and for a moment, she stares out the window towards the field, clearly lost in thought. Just then, the phone rings again, and she jumps just a bit. It rings again. She stares at the phone as though she's never quite heard it ring properly before, like she's never really known what it meant. It rings a third time. She takes a deep, steadying breath, then exhales. Before the phone can ring again, she's pressed the button to pick up the call, and answers in the same cheerful way she always has.

SCENE: The Hammond Stadium clubhouse in Fort Myers. Players are beginning to arrive for spring training - some have been South for awhile now, others are just arriving in town. Glen Perkins sits in front of his locker, sorting out his things for the coming weeks when a crash is heard from outside; glass tinkles on the pavement as if a car has just crashed into a retaining wall.

PERKINS: Oh God no.

There is a crash from the door, as if a body has just run into it. Seconds later, the handle turns and the door opens.

MATT CAPPS: Whoo-wee, it's good to be back here in Tampa! Good to see you boys!

There is no one in the clubhouse besides Perkins, except for a dozing Wayne Hattaway.

PERKINS: We're not in Tampa. We're in Fort Myers.

CAPPS: We are? Heck, no wonder that cab ride cost me like eight hundred dollars. I thought that cabdriver was just taking the long way from the airport. Gotta be honest, I fell asleep. That catfish sushi I made last night just ain't sitting right.

He throws his bag at a chair in front of a locker labeled "Brian Duensing", breaking the chair. The bag splits, sending what appears to be thirty-five pounds of gas-station beef jerky skidding across the floor.

PERKINS: You made sushi out of catfish?

CAPPS: Sure. Easiest thing in the world. Catch 'em with your bare hands, then take out a knife and cut yourself off a piece. It's like smoking an Omega-3 cigarette. Delicious.

Perkins gags.

CAPPS: Whatsamatter there, Perk? You're looking a little green. Don't worry, though, I'm taking over snack duty in the bullpen this year. You boys keep on bringing seeds and them out there like we're some kinda rabbits or something. This year we're gonna have some proper food out there. Get things going right.

PERKINS: Is that what all the beef jerky's for?

CAPPS: That? No, that's to get me through until Friday. Capps turns around to pick up some of the packages, somehow knocking over a couple of tables, both of which land on Perkins' suitcase. Whoops! Sorry about that, buddy. This kinda stuff keeps happening to me. Did I tell you that I've been in nineteen car crashes this winter? Heck, eleven of them were in my own garage.

PERKINS: You got in a car crash in your own garage?

CAPPS: I got some trouble with the door opener. Anyway, I gotta run out and pick up a few bullpen supplies. I need a ten-burner grill, a barbecue smoker, and like forty pounds of pigs' feet. Gonna be a good season!

He leaves, accidentally kicking over a bucket of baseballs on the way.

Here's the link to Volume 3. Volume 1 is here; Volume 2 is here.

It's been four years (or has it been five?) since I've been to TwinsFest, but that has had more to do with my geographical location than a lack of desire to attend. There's no shortage of things to see or people to check out, and I guarantee that no matter how "hard core" of a fan you think you are there is somebody there who will scare you...just a little bit...with their fanatic intensity.

With that in mind, if you were like me and missed TwinsFest this year, here are the top ten storylines from the weekend.

Nishioka Wants to Sing: After attending tryouts for the National Anthem and "God Bless America" and gaining confidence in his growing comfort with the English language, Tsuyoshi Nishioka signs off an interview with "Seacrest, out."

Morris Baseball Booth Popular Destination: At the Jack Morris Limited Edition Baseball Booth, Morris signed 1000 baseballs with his name and the notation "1991 World Series Game 7". Each ball also carried a handwritten special inscription from Jack, most of which were variants on the phrase "[Redacted] right!", with occasional taunts of Sid Bream.

Emo Fad Sweeping Twins Clubhouse: Due to the emotionally draining nature of the 2011 season and the ensuing media backlash, several Minnesota Twins players arrive to TwinsFest adopting emo trends and appearances. Joe Mauer grows his hair out, dies the tips purple and uses hair straighteners. Danny Valencia layers black eyeliner so thick it puts Captain Jack Sparrow to shame. Nick Blackburn grows his beard longer, hoping that qualifies as emo. Denard Span tweets about Ron Gardenhire's ensuing confusion. Justin Morneau pours maple syrup in his shoes, which qualifies as emo in Canada. Fall Out Boy is elected by popular vote as the Official-Emo-Band-of-the-Minnesota-Twins-Clubhouse, and nobody is allowed inside the clubhouse unless they whistfully mention their hopes for new material...FINALLY.

Jamey Carroll's Eyes Fall Out of His Skull Without Warning: Jamey Carroll's eyes fall out of his skull without warning.

Gladden Being Gladden: Dan Gladden, emerging from a bathroom without his pants, was heard to have shouted "OKAY, MORRIS, YOUR MOVE."

Carl Pavano to Start on Opening Day: After announcing that Carl Pavano would be his Opening Day starter, Ron Gardenhire told fans that he didn't have a choice unless he wanted Drew Butera to set his cabin on fire.

Teenager Arrested for Attempting to Buy Alcohol: A 13-year old boy with a painted on goatee and Twins cap was hauled off the premises after being found in line for a beer. Following his inability to produce any identification he was hauled away by security, crying: "But I'm Scott Baker!"

Scott Baker Fined: Scott Baker was fined by the team for missing his weekend autograph session. When asked for comment, Gardy would only say "I'm tired of bailing his teenage ass out of jail".

Zumaya Burns Hand: Joel Zumaya's arm was treated for burns on his pitching hand. While attending Glen Perkins' meat smoking tutorial in the concourse, he reached through the grill to grab burning coals as Perkins had his back turned. When asked why he reached for the orange, glowing coals, Zumaya sighed and answered: "I don't even know anymore."

Gardy On New Right Fielder: During interview sessions, when Gardy was asked about new right fielder Josh Willingham he'd repeatedly call him "Cuddy" in his replies. Initially it was thought to be a mistake, until an intrepid reporter broached the subject. In response to the reporter's challenge Gardenhire visibly bristled, lowered the tone of his voice and leaned closer to the microphone, said "He knows what this is," then tipped the microphone over, threw a chair and walked off the stage.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: the real Drew Butera is a light-hitting, defensive-minded backup catcher for the Minnesota Twins, who often catches on the days that Carl Pavano pitches. Twinkie Town's "Sweet" Drew Butera has the same skill set and backstory, but is also uncomfortably obsessed with fire and explosions. We have asked the latter to fill us in on some of the movies that are in the running for the Academy Awards, since there remains [redacted]-all going on in Twins Territory. We thank him for his time.)

Hey, guys, it's me, Drew Butera. The folks at Twinkie Town asked me if I would preview this year's Oscar contenders since things are pretty slow on the Twins news front. At first I declined, but I talked to Carl at our Winter Fireworks Party, and he said, "C'mon, Sweet Drew, step out of your comfort zone a little. And why does everything smell like kerosene?" So I did!

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo: I really like how David Fincher movies look, be it this, or Social Network, or Se7en. That said, this is two-and-a-half hours long, and there aren't a lot of explosions or fire. I guess there is a sequel in the works called The Girl Who Played with Fire. Can't wait for that one.

The Artist: a silent movie in black-and-white. No fires. Even if there were fires, you wouldn't be able to hear the crackling of things burning in the fire, or see the beautiful oranges, reds and even blues as the flames lick the sky. What is it that those fellows on TV say? Two thumbs down? Definitely two thumbs down.

Bridesmaids: I laughed at this one a lot. Again, though: a serious lack of anything resembling fire. Why don't they make movies like Firestarter anymore? The title just lets you know that there are going to be fires started, and it delivers and then some, brother. Melissa McCarthy is funny, though.

The Descendents: this one is set in Hawaii. You know what I like about Hawaii movies? Volcanos and luaus. You what The Descendents didn't have enough of? Volcanos and luaus. Ripoff.

J. Edgar: a historical drama about J. Edgar Hoover's decades-long tenure as the director of the FBI. You know what happened a lot over those many years? Explosions. You know what they don't cover in this movie? That's right. Now, Backdraft? There's a movie with A LOT of explosions and fire. They should make more movies like Backdraft.

The Help: a thoughtful exploration of race and class in the American South. I really enjoyed this movie. Would have enjoyed it more if they had some bottle rockets or roman candles. I don't know if those were readily available in that day and time, but historical accuracy isn't the be-all, end-all, you know.

Firestorm: OH MY GOSH IS THIS A GREAT MOVIE! I guess it came out in 1998, but I just saw it for the first time last year. It's got Howie Long and he's a smokejumper trying to catch some escaped convicts and arsonists IN A FOREST FIRE! THAT'S THE WHOLE MOVIE! It wins the Drew Butera Academy Award for Being an Awesome Movie.

Thanks for reading this, guys. See you at spring training!

SCENE: Mid-morning in the Target Field clubhouse. The low hum of the refrigeration unit on the ice machine is the only sound, except for a few faraway, muffled voices from outside the door. We hear footsteps in the corridor, and then the door swings open. JOE MAUER, who is walking backwards in the manner of a college tour guide, is trailed by JAMEY CARROLL and JASON MARQUIS.

MAUER: So this, uh, this is the clubhouse. This is where we put on our, uh, uniforms and stuff. Some guys really like playing the video games over there (he waves a hand in the direction of the training room, which is the opposite of where the video games are, a mistake that momentarily renders him speechless.) I, uh... yeah.

MARQUIS: Joe, we're veterans, we've seen a clubhouse before.

MAUER: I'm sorry. (tears well in his eyes) Cuddy used to do the tours, but he's in Denver now. And Justin was supposed to do the tour today but his wife made him go see "Disney On Ice" instead.

CARROLL (examining an unfamiliar object in the corner of the clubhouse): What's this?

MAUER: Um... a computer?

CARROLL: What's a computer? Is that one of them new-fangled gizmos you can get a newspaper on?

MAUER: I don't know. Mom says the newspaper is full of bad news and I shouldn't read it until I'm married or thirty.

CARROLL: It's just as well. I only like it for the sudoku, anyway. That and seeing what that Mark Trail is up to. I liked the comics better back in the day when they were all like Mark Trail - none of these newfangled animals talking or anything like that. And no funny stuff.

MAUER (turning to Marquis): So, I guess you'll be wanting to know where to get some good pasta, huh? Or some (he screws up his face to try to pronounce this) linguini? Mom says I shouldn't eat Italian food because it'll make me get lazy and grow a mustache, but I guess you guys must be used to it.

MARQUIS: What? Why would I want to get Italian food?

MAUER: Aren't you Italian? (waves hands around like a bad caricature) That's-a spicy meatball-a! I like-a da pasta! It's-a me, Mario! The Sopranos-a! No?

MARQUIS: Dude, I'm from Staten Island, and I'm Jewish.

MAUER: Shhh! You can't say that! If the press hears us talking like that, it'll be some kind of scandal.

MARQUIS: What? Joe, I'm Jewish. It's not a slur.

MAUER: Well, I'm sorry, but that just doesn't sound right.

MARQUIS (sighs): Oh boy.

MAUER (assumes tour guide voice again): Through this door is the field. That's where we play the games and take batting practice and stuff. Though there's a cage over there (he waves his hand at the video games, getting again momentarily distracted), if you, uh, if you want to hit there...

CARROLL: Gonna be a long season.

SCENE: The manager's office. Ron Gardenhire sits behind his desk, as well as behind a makeshift desktop partition of his own devising, which is constructed out of empty three-ring binders, a coffee can, and an unplugged lamp that's missing a shade. We can see that on Gardy's desk are a half-empty bottle of screw-top gin, a Styrofoam coffee cup with "GARDY" scratched on the side, a half-eaten orange, and a deck of cards that is currently in use in a game of solitaire.

GARDY (mumbling): Red nine... red nine... come on, red nine.... DAMN! (He flips over the discard pile and starts again) Red nine... red nine....come on.... come on.... DAMN! (He flips over the discard pile and starts again.)

There is a knock at the door.

GARDY (poking his head out to the side of his partition): What? What? Kinda busy in here.

RICK ANDERSON (from the doorway): Hey, I just checked the mail. We got a letter from Francisco Liriano down in the Dominican.

GARDY: Oh, right. Come in, come in. He clears the desk by pushing the lamp aside and knocking all of the binders to the floor. Just doing a little bit of research here.

ANDERSON: Uh.... right. Why don't I read this out? (Reading) 'Dear Manager Gardy and other mean guy, have arrived in Escogido. Pitched in one game. Umpires just as mean as they are in America. Tried throwing fastball but it was way too awesome and the umpire wouldn't call it a strike. Went back to throwing nothing but sliders. Struck out two guys, so I still got it. Ready for the season. I think a couple of guys might have got hits too. I cannot really remember that part. Excited about the strikeouts, though."

(silence)

ANDERSON: I'm not sure our little talk rubbed off on him.

GARDY (proffering the bottle): Want some gin?

ANDERSON: How do you think I got through this last year?

They drink, pensively, in silence.

Volume 1 is here; Volume 2 is here.

It's been a long 2011 for Twins fans - the losses! The injuries! Accidentally re-signing Matt Capps! - and so it feels good to throw out the 2011 calendar and tack up the calendar for 2012. It's irresistibly tempting, too, to make some resolutions for how things will be different this year. Below, a few Twinkie Town resolutions for this year; let's make it better than 2011.

• We will continue to support, in whatever manner possible, any efforts by any person connected to the Twins franchise to grow stupid-looking facial hair.
  
• We will not mock any player that has a head injury, as we are afraid that if we do, Corey Koskie will sneak up behind us and righteously brain us with a hockey stick.
• We will continue to forget that Alexi Casilla is still employed by the Twins.
• We will still make jokes about Delmon Young's Carnival Of Incompetent Left Fielding.
• We will use every avenue available to us, including organizing a public protest, in the hopes that one day Drew Butera will catch for Jason Marquis, and the Twins will use the designated hitter for Butera (career .481 OPS) instead of Marquis (career .499 OPS). (NOTE: Yes, we know that the DH rule doesn't work like this. But still.)
• We resolve to write a joke about the following fact from Marquis' Wikipedia article: "His bar mitzvah had a baseball theme."
• Baseball may be ruled by labor peace and growing revenues, but we will still make fun of Bud Selig at every opportunity, partially for appearing in photographs to wear the pained and betrayed expression of a man whose pants are too tight.
• We resolve to continue to poke fun at Joe Mauer for being too perfect, instead of making fun of him for having the temerity to be hurt and ineffective like a normal human being.
• We resolve to think of some Luke Hughes jokes that don't involve Crocodile Dundee, Foster's Beer, Outback Steakhouse, shrimps, barbies, or really any of the reasonably idiotic Aussie stereotypes in public circulation. (Or perhaps we'll just call him Bruce.)
• We resolve not to let let Trevor Plouffe's burgeoning nerdery distract us from his sob-inducing failures at shortstop. Further, we resolve to call in a bomb threat if Plouffe starts at shortstop at any time during 2012.
• And finally: we resolve to keep making Kevin Slowey jokes, even though he's gone. We're gonna miss that sesquipedalian goofball.

Reynolds_Sports Reynolds Sports

RHP Boof Bonser has signed a minor league deal with the San Francisco Giants. Bonser was drafted by the Giants in the 1st round in 2000.

In a move the San Francisco Giants are calling "just the beginning of righting one of history's greatest wrongs," the team has re-acquired pitcher Boof Bonser.

"We're just thrilled," said Giants GM Brian Sabean. "Getting Boof back in the fold is the start of what we think will be a very exciting time for the franchise and our fans. As exciting as our 2010 World Series title run was, I think 'getting the band back together,' so to speak, will be the true high point for our club."

Sabean is referring to the much-derided 2003 trade that sent Bonser, Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano to the Minnesota Twins for catcher/annoyance A.J. Pierzynski and cash. Pierzynski would be released after one year with the Giants, while the three players the Twins acquired helped them to a sustained run of playoff appearances.

"First of all, everyone forgets we got cash as part of the deal," said a defensive Sabean. "They're all, like, 'Hey, Brian, nice job...not!' and I'm, like, do you know how much it costs to keep that goddamn Coke bottle sign lit at the park? Those bulbs are [expletive] expensive, and you need cash to pay for them. So, you're welcome for the pleasing aesthetics, jerks!"

The Giants longtime GM acknowledged that the trade was still lopsided in terms of talent, which is why they made the move to bring Bonser back, and why they may not be done.

"I know Joe Nathan just signed a deal with Texas, but their bullpen is loaded," said Sabean. "If they have to move him to pick up a bat for that lineup, they have my number. As for Liriano, dude is trade deadline gold. And with Terry Ryan back in charge up there, I figure there's no way I'll make the same mistake twice. I figure Lincecum, Posey if he gets healthy and maybe a high-A prospect should be enough to shake him loose. Now who's the dummy who traded those three guys for nothing? They're all San Francisco Giants now, aren't they?"

We received the following statement from the Official Minnesota Twins News Agency - better known by its shorter name, Twinhua. It actually explains a lot.

-------------------------

2010 AL Central Champions Looking To Repeat In 2012

MINNEAPOLIS - With the pennant from the 2010 division championship now flying proudly above Target Field, the Twins are making every move to reassemble that beloved team for a run at a repeat championship in 2012.

Said general manager Terry Ryan, "2010 was one of the most dominating performances by any team in the history of the AL Central, and if we can bring all of those players back, there's no reason we can't have the same performance again next year." Closer Matt Capps, who dominated down the stretch after being acquired for little-used prospect Wilson Ramos, has already re-signed. The team continues to pursue outfielders Jason Kubel and Michael Cuddyer, in the hopes of keeping those important pieces in place.

Unfortunately, certain so-called "journalists" continue to spread lies about the existence of an unsanctioned 2011 season, in hopes of destabilizing the team. The Twinhua News Agency would like to remind fans that such rumors and untruths should not be trusted. The organization has always built, and will always build, winning teams. The "Twins Way" is sound and is not to be questioned. The Twins have played perfect defense and hit like a tornado of rabid wolverines, and any information to the contrary is a lie.

"We have built the perfect team," said Ryan. "Keeping this team together is the top priority for the organization. To look outside the organization for major new pieces would be foolish. If we added new players rather than keeping the old ones, it would be the same as saying that previous teams were not perfectly assembled by the Politburo- I mean, the front office. And since The Twins Way has always produced dominant teams, that is clearly not true."

The Twins begin spring training in February, as they attempt to win a record eighteenth consecutive AL Central title.

Shirtless and holding a sign that read "OCCUPY MY OLD OFFICE," former Twins General Manager Bill Smith angrily protested outside of Target Field on Thursday afternoon.

Walking back and forth and chanting "Pitch to contact/multi-year contract," Smith cut a hard-to-miss figure in the cold Minneapolis air.

"Bringing back the failed closer from a 63-win team and signing a 50-year-old guy who can't hit to play short for two years?" an animated Smith asked reporters on the scene. "You had to hire someone else to do that? Come on, those are classic Billy Smith moves!"

Smith was replaced by former Twins GM Terry Ryan, the person often credited with the team's revival in the 2000s. While fans overwhelmingly approved of the switch, Ryan's moves since then have not been as universally admired, especially given the new salary constraints the team is said to be under. Indeed, as Smith repeatedly pointed out, the moves Ryan has made are very similar to the ones he would have made if he were still the club's GM.

"I can see changing horses if they were going to go all in and bring in a front-line starter and some bats, or if they were going to blow the whole thing up and start from scratch," Smith said, stopping only to take giant swallows of hot coffee. "But my heavens, bringing back (Phil) Dumatrait, getting a back-up catcher and saying, 'Nope, we're good!' I can do that in my sleep. That's not even a figure of speech, either: I took a power nap in the winter of 2007, and next thing I know, boom, Mike Lamb."

Smith, who left the scene without incident as the sun set, speculated that, "It's almost as if they needed to bring someone in to do the exact same thing I would have been told to do, but they didn't want to get destroyed in the papers and on the blogs."

When reached for comment, a Twins front office official who asked not to be named would only say, "Hey, did you see that Cuddy had twins aren't they super adorable?" before hanging up.