Pitchers Wanted

by Jesse on May 22, 2007 12:11 AM EDT in News Comment 10 comments

If you have an arm, you too could soon be pitching for a Major League baseball team! The Minnesota Twins, in the most creative and out-of-the-box PR move since sideburns, are now offering walk-on auditions for anyone who can tell which direction home plate is. That's right: YOU COULD BE A MINNESOTA TWIN!

Just for trying out, you get:

A free buzz cut!
Free sideburns!
A minor league pitcher of your choice as your personal bodyguard!
Matt LeCroy will be Santa Claus at your next family Christmas/Ramadan/Hanukah/Religious Holiday of Choice!
Did we mention the FREE SIDEBURNS?

Do you have the moxi? Do you have an arm? Are you not blind (medically)? THIS COULD BE YOUR CHANCE!

If you or anyone you know can pitch, and aren't Matt Garza or Kevin Slowey, call 1-800-I-PITCH-OK. You could be the next Joe Mauer!*

* You will not be the next Joe Mauer

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I

I could be the next Sid Ponson! It would be like Ponson after Jenny Craig!

I wouldn't mind being a Knight on an Tropical Island nation, that's for sure...

Baseball is great because you cant take a knee or kill the clock. You gotta put the ball over the plate and give the other guy his damn shot E Weaver abridged

by AdamOnFirst on May 22, 2007 12:24 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Get Bat-Girl the gig

More sass; less hits.

by BD57 on May 22, 2007 7:46 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I picked Seth

The Warroad Wonder had quite an arm back in the day. And he'd fit right in next to Silva and Reyes, though the Twins lost potential buffet competition for Seth "Fire Brewed" Stohs when they passed Kindney PoundStone.

Free Kevin Slowey.

by cmathewson on May 22, 2007 10:40 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I've been

told it's "tryouts", not "auditions". Yes, I played baseball when I was younger. Yes, I've done theatre in a far more recent frame than I've played baseball. I guess it shows. Oh well.

by Jesse on May 22, 2007 10:44 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs

In this case

I think in this case, auditions are appropriate.

"Show us your best intimidating face, Okay. Show us your best impression of Hideo Nomo. Okay. Now growl a little. Okay. Now look incredulous and hurt after an ump has tossed you for drilling someone. Whoa, whoa, take it back a little. Okay, good."

Baseball is great because you cant take a knee or kill the clock. You gotta put the ball over the plate and give the other guy his damn shot E Weaver abridged

by AdamOnFirst on May 22, 2007 11:02 AM EDT up reply actions 0 recs

I'm in!

Not only do I have pretty good control, but I also can pitch using a submarine delivery, and the last time I pitched in a baseball game I came in as a reliever and retired the side on 6 pitches, including a strikeout.

On the flip side, my pitches probably can't break the speed limit on a 2-lane highway, that last time I pitched was when I was 15, and in my only other outing of that season, against the same team, I was pulled after 2 2/3, giving up 7 earned runs, including the only ground-rule double I ever witnessed at our Legion baseball field.

by BeefMaster on May 22, 2007 2:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I can...

make a whiffle ball break as well as anyone, and I also use a Hideo Nomo-esque delivery for deception when I fling it. Just pitched a double-header this weekend in fact, so just call me Scott Shields for stamina. :)

by djskilbr on May 22, 2007 2:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

I vote Lundie!

Ok, sorry...I mean Jesse.

He is by far the best twins blogger option to "audition." It still is a try-out fool.

Anyway, even if you didnt pan out as a pitcher...Your amazing shoulder pop-out routine at the plate is just sportscenter worthy!

by mbennett on May 22, 2007 2:41 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Lefty looking for work

I started and worked out of the pen in High School.

Played varsity 3 out of my 4 yrs in High School.

Can I get some work. Willing to play cheap

by caluofmn on May 22, 2007 5:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

Will

Righty. Sidearmer. Two-seam and four seam-fastball with "developing" slider/curve.

Will pitch for per diam and signed balls. Also, baseball cards of self.

Baseball is great because you cant take a knee or kill the clock. You gotta put the ball over the plate and give the other guy his damn shot E Weaver abridged

by AdamOnFirst on May 22, 2007 5:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs