(SCENE ONE - FADE IN: Twins right fielder MICHAEL CUDDYER is attempting to go to the grocery store to pick up two gallons of milk, some beef jerky, and maybe one of those loaves of garlic cheese bread, if they're on sale.)

CUDDYER: And after this, I should probably stop by the video rental place and pay up on my late fees.  I know the clerk said that I'd fly right through season 3 of "NCIS," but every show's the exact sa- wait, what's that?

(A CHRYSLER LEBARON careens around the corner and weaves down the sidewalk.  Cuddyer nimbly hops out of the way, but trips over a LABRADOR RETRIEVER, and falls to the ground in a heap.)

CUDDYER: Ow!  My wrist!

(X-rays show no broken bones, but a sore wrist sends Cuddyer back to the DL for two weeks.)

(SCENE TWO - FADE IN: With his cell phone out of juice, CUDDYER approaches a pay phone, with the thought of calling home to see if anybody else wants ice cream.)

CUDDYER: Wow, I didn't even know they had pay phones around these days, they seem so surplus to requirements.

(With nobody using pay phones any more, the PHONE hasn't been cleaned since the CARTER ADMINISTRATION.  It is festering with GERMS.)

CUDDYER: What the heck?

(CUDDYER contracts several diseases, including HAND, FOOT, AND MOUTH DISEASE.  His symptoms are mild, but he misses four weeks with stiffness in his lower back.)

(SCENE THREE - FADE IN: At home, CUDDYER attempts to assemble a four-shelf bookcase from Ikea.)

CUDDYER: What the heck does "BILLY system" mean, anyway?  Well, never mind - let's see here.  I've got enough particle board to build the flimsiest castle of all time, but where are the directions here?  You'd think Swedes would be more organized... HOLY COW, WHAT'S THAT?

(Out of nowhere, a GRIFFIN, half-lion, half-eagle, and curiously BREATHING FIRE, swoops down and strikes.  Cuddyer misses six weeks with lacerations and shoulder pain, while vowing to quit reading MEDIEVAL LITERATURE before bedtime.)

What will it be next?  Keep on tuning in, to see what misfortunes might befall Michael Cuddyer as he tries to go about his business.

A video representation of the Twins' last two days in Seattle:

Also, if you happen to live in the Seattle area, and are willing to pitch out of the bullpen, please report to Safeco Field on Wednesday, around noon local time. You can't possibly be worse than the schlubs the Twins are running out there so far this series.

From Friday night's game: