The fraternity

The game had just concluded, and the twins sat in horror. They had just left 11 men on base, and they had an egg on the scoreboard.

"DIRRRRRT" yells Redmond as he takes his frustration out on the microphone he was wearing during the game.

"Hey" shouts Marney Gellner from the field, "you can't destroy our equipment like that. Give me that!" Gellner rushes over, and smacks Redmond in the face.

"DIRRRRT!" exclaims Redmond as he runs out onto the field, prepared to do battle as they used to in 1897...with fists!

Gellner turns, and pulls out her handy Tazer, and zaps the living crapolla out of Mike. A moment of horror takes over the dugout, and they realize that a reporter, and a poor one at that, just laid out their back-up catcher. Marney quickly packs her tazer back into her pocket, picks up the microphone and requests that Bert "circle the victim" so that all can understand her wrath.

(Gellner exits SR)

"What will we do?" asks Lil' he snuggles a Gatorade cup.

"We can't just leave him." stated Cuddyer, who was writing an "L" on his pocket schedule he carries with him at all times.

"For the love of God guys, he just was tazed...people get tazed all the time." At that moment, the team turns, and sees the speaker of these was Amundson...Aron Amundson, bullpen catcher. "He is a catcher, he isn't dead. He is just waiting for his rejuvenation."

"And how the hell do we do that?" asked Tor-eye-eye.

"Yah, he looks dead to me" added Radke.

"MAAAH NAME JUHTAN MORNEAU!" proclaimed J.Mo, in his typical mindset.

The team takes turns shaking their head at J.Mo, and finally Castro turns attention back to Amundson.

"Aron, how do we fix him? Who else can make us laugh? Who will be willing to hit third, even though they aren't a number three hitter?"

"Juan, I cannot tell you how...for the man lying before you, has supplied you with the answer already" noted Amundson, in a calm tone.

"He hasn't said anything since that ^%@#* tazed him" added Stewart.

"This is true Shannon...think deeper" responded Amundson.

The dugout is a wreck. Players look to each other, hoping someone knows what Aron speaks of.

"Don't look at me" Silva stated. "You didn't help me today, so I am not going to help you."

"Nyaah! guys, I remember!" shouted Lewwww. "He kept saying dirt...well, more like dirrrt."

"What'choo talkin' bout Lewis?" responded Matt Guerrier.

"dirt" explained Lew. "Aron said that Mike had already given us the answer, and it was dirt."

"dirt." said Crain questionably "what, we supposed to bury him in it?"

"No, you feed it to him." The dugout turns to see J.Mau standing at the steps, eating an apple.

"Where the hell have you been?" questioned Nathan.

"Bathroom, oh, and getting an apple." Mauer said. "All you have to do is feed him dirt. He is an old-school catcher, this is what these guys eat. Remember when he got bulldozed in Chicago last year?"

"Yah" answered Tor-eye-eye.

"What did he do?" asked Mauer. "He sat there in pain for a few minutes, and then he reached to the ground, grabbed a handful of it, and swallowed. Two minutes later, he was fine. is like a transfusion."

"So we go and feed him dirt?" asked Rodriguez.

"Yup" said Mauer and Amundson simultaneously.

So with that the players ran out to Redmond, and slowly opened his mouth and poured dirt in. Within two minutes, Redmond was sitting up and walking around.

"Dirr...thanks" growled Redmond.

"Don't thank us, thank Joe and Aron" responded lil' nicky gleefully.

"Joe and who?" asked Redmond.

"Aron, the bullpen catcher." said Santana.

"You mean...he has a name?" questioned Redmond. "I always just called him dirt."

The team laughed and went to the clubhouse, with Aron left behind to pick-up some gear. Then a small boy came up to the rail.

"Hey thirsty?" asked the little boy.

"A little bit" responded Amundson.

"Here" said the boy as he throws Aron a bottle of water. "See ya later Aron."

"Hey kid!" The boy turned around and saw Aron run into the dugout. He hears a scream, and Aron comes back with two sideburns...sideburns belonging to none other than Joe Mauer.

"Here ya go!" said Aron.

"These are really his??" exclaimed the boy.

"yup" said Aron.

"Thanks! See ya" said the boy as he ran away.

A moment passed and J.Mau emerged from the dugout.

"What the hell did you do that for? Damn." Screamed Mauer.

"Dirt?" asked Aron.

"That is your answer for everything" said Mauer. "But yes, I'll have some."

Amundson hands Joe his handful of dirt, and he consumes it. Within 2 minutes, Joe's sideburns were back at their normal state.

"See, no harm no foul" said Amundson, smiling.

"True enough. Damn it feels good to be a catcher." responded Mauer. "What now?"

"Candy Land?" asked Aron.

"You're on." responded Mauer.

And with that, the fraternity's secret had leaked...but it was worth it...Redmond can now continue life...thanks to dirt.