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Missing: The Minnesota Twins

If you have seen any of the following please alert the proper authorities.  Some of these men are presumed kidnapped and/or replaced with evil clones.

Name:  Joe Nathan
Last Seen:  June 2
Details:  While seen recently, has been known to disappear for weeks at a time.  Irregular sightings have led to widespread speculation of what Mr. Nathan does in all of his spare time, with leading rumors pointing to insider trading on the copper market.

Name:  Lew Ford
Last Seen:  Outside Harry's House of Magic, autumn 2004
Details:  Had been having a "verbal altercation a la peanut butter sandwiches" with Harry, who is believed to have put a spell on Mr. Ford's offensive abilities.  Please take note of Mr. Ford's attributes prior to the incident in 2004, and his attributes of present:

Category     2004   2006
Speed         +12    +12
Agility       +13    +18
Hot Wife      +18   +306
'Puter Stuff  +20    +20
Offense       +15    -04

While most of Mr. Ford's attributes have grown or remained steady, note the curious decline of offensive ability.

Name:  Rondell White
Last Seen:  1999
Details:  Many authorities believe Mr. White's last appearance to be much more recent than the date listed above, but between you and me, if he shows up, he better be the 1999 version from here on out to make these first two months worth the hassle.

Name:  Scott Baker
Last Seen:  May 30
Details:  Baffling, confounding and conbafffoundling in nature, Mr. Baker's disappearance has unsettled many of the younger players within the organization who now believe they are the next target of whatever malevolent force withdrew the recently departed pitcher.  When asked his thoughts on the matter, Boof Bonser glanced nervously from side to side amidst a flourish of hand-wringing and stated quietly:  "But I like a cookie..."

Name:  Juan Castro
Last Seen:  Mid-April
Details:  Reality and organizational philosophy collide in the above photograph, but on the baseball field Juan Castro's presence hasn't been felt since roughly April 18.  If anyone should feel his presence, be sure to consult any statistical document to relieve any confusion and remember some phrase about squirrels and nuts.  That or stop feeling Mr. Castro's presence, he's very personal about that kind of thing.

Name:  Jason Kubel
Last Seen:  Until recently, on the bench
Details:  After Scott Baker's recent disappearance Mr. Kubel stated "Seriously, just put me on the list so I'm already being sought out by the time I'm whisked off again."  Authorities are already on the lookout for a top-hitting prospect who's been jerked around almost as often as the LOST viewing audience.

Seriously, was that Jack's alternate dimension twin brother?  What the hell is going on here...

Name:  Terry Tiffee
Last Seen:  Never
Details:  Initially thought to be a practical joke by the organization considering the lack of practicality for Jason Bartlett's presence in AAA, we are still on the lookout for ANY major league potential from the light-hitting, average-fielding corner infielder.

Name:  Jesse Crain
Last Seen:  2005
Details:  There are no clear photographs of Jesse Crain in 2006, as evidenced by the example above.  It has been widely conceeded this is a conspiracy hatched by evil clone mastermind Ozzie Guillen, who has used his power for evil to also clone a 27-year old Jim Thome to replace the outdated, mechanical 2005 version.

Name:  Tony Batista
Last Seen:  Attempting a failed dragon-style drop kick to Marco Scutaro
Details:  An APB has been released, due to the four pounds Tony Batista has lost since opening day.  He would like them back.