The Twins disabled list is slowly collecting victims. Joe Mauer? Bleeding lump in his calf, perhaps caused by a hit from eight years ago in football. Glen Perkins? Hurt throwing the ball. Dennys Reyes? Hurt for a month without mentioning it. The Minnesota DL is like the Busch Stadium tarp, swallowing up anyone who dares stand in its way.
But things reached a new level at Rangers Ballpark today. Joe Nathan allowed a single to lead off the ninth inning, then sawed off Victor Diaz and got a ground-ball double play. But as Nathan turned to watch the flight of the ball towards second, the barrel of Diaz's bat soared unerringly towards the mound, eventually plunking the Twins closer and causing Nathan to limp around in pain while Ron Gardenhire's heart stopped in the dugout.
Clearly, things are getting out of hand. Karma is clearly hell-bent on smoothing out certain 71-33 lumps in the fabric of space-time, and it's going to do so in increasingly bizarre ways if needed. So below, I present to you the odds on the next injuries for a few of the Twins, so we know what to watch out for.
Justin Morneau
2-1: Lower back spasms
5-1: Pulled hamstring
14-1: Involved in crash while riding laundry tub with go-kart wheels attached
23-1: Possibly-random moose attack
40-1: Shot by brainwashed Carlton Fisk
Nick Punto
3-1: Separated shoulder, suffered diving into first
6-1: Separated shoulder, suffered diving into stands for foul ball
10-1: Separated shoulder, suffered diving towards bar to save can of Miller High Life
12-1: Injured in brawl at Valleyfair after being denied entrance to cool new roller coaster
28-1: Mauled by pit bull
55-1: Trampled by elephant
Luis Castillo
4-1: Bone spurs in elbow
5-1: Bone spurs in knee
11-1: Tackled by environmental protesters outside of Metrodome
55-1: Cut by skate blade during pickup hockey at Fogerty Arena
60-1: Alzheimer's
65-1: Pulled abdominal muscle while playing Guitar Hero with Joel Zumaya
Pat Neshek
1-10: Carpal tunnel syndrome
Torii Hunter
2-1: Sprained wrist from running into centerfield wall
4-1: Bruised sternum from running into clubhouse wall
25-1: Fell off of bike while riding motorcycles with Jeff Kent
30-1: Fell off of bike while popping wheelies with Nick Punto
88-1: Abdominal cramps after losing bet with Carmen Cali about who could eat more cheese curds
Jason Tyner
6-1: Pulled rib cage after trying for three hours to hit batting-practice home run
15-1: Attacked by big scary dog
Jason Kubel
2-5: Knee pain
2-1: Ankle pain
8-1: General pain
40-1: Bubble gum-related chewing accident
Carlos Silva
5-1: Dropped bowling ball on foot
8-1: Burned by clubhouse prank gone wrong
44-1: Beaten in alleyway by Matt Garza and Kevin Slowey
45-1: Beaten in alleyway by Aaron Gleeman
Chris Heintz
2-1: Splinters in ass
4-1: Splinters in hand
5-1: Splinters in leg
8-1: General boredom
Lew Ford
4-1: Injured in brawl over lunch money
4-1: Bruised "clicker finger" following World of Warcraft marathon
4-1: Beaned by Curt Schilling after totally pwning "38rulz" during World of Warcraft marathon
4-1: Pulled hamstring trying to run down sixth-graders that stole bike
Mike Redmond
2-1: Broken thumb from foul tip
4-1: Broken arm from home-plate collision
8-1: Bruised collarbone from being hit by pitch
10-1: Naked batting practice gone horribly wrong
48-1: Fight with polar bear at Minnesota Zoo
Hopefully, by getting these out there, we can prevent them from happening. An ounce of prevention and all that....