TwinkieTown was lucky enough to get Pierzynski to wear a microphone for Tuesday's game at the Dome. Here are some of the transcripted highlights.
Bottom of the 1st, Bonser pitching to Pierzynski
AJ: What's up, Red Dawg? You guys hatin' on me from last night, sounds like. (Pitch) Gardy even came up to me, wanting to know what I was up to. I fed him an ass load of crap. (Pitch) Just missed that one. When I get a hit, I'm gonna make a point to step on that huge Canadian's foot. (Pitch) You tryin' to bust me inside? You can't bust me, don't you know who I am? I'm the Pierzynski, bitch! (Pitch, ground ball to Morneau) I'm not even going to run it out, that monster of a man will kill me.
Bottom of the 3rd, Pierzynski catching
AJ: What up, Cuddles? Dude, did you just wake up from a nap? (Pitch) You're nappin' on that one, good thing the ump is sleeping with your mom, you get that call. I wouldn't swing at this next one, either. (Pitch) I'm glad you listen, so listen again: This next pitch won't be in the zone, I promise. Just keep the bat on your shoulder. (Pitch) Y'know what sucks though is that you strike out a lot. Gosh...you think this next pitch will be worth a swing? (Pitch) Glad you got that one out of your system. This next one's right down the pipe. (Pitch) What?!? I can't believe that was inside--skin of your teeth Cuddles, skin of your teeth. Here comes strike three, Dimples. (Pitch, Cuddyer doubles to right field) Pfft, whatever.
Oh, hey, look who it is! The Canadian cry-baby! I'll try to not step on your toes, Gigantor.
MVP: My name isn't "Gigantor", it's Justin, eh.
AJ: Whatever you say, Gigantor. (Pitch) Ooh, right down the alley. I hope you're not second-guessing yourself Gigantor, cuz you're screwed if you are. Hey, is Canada good for anything other than exporting bacon and hockey pucks? (Pitch, Morneau homers to deep right field)
MVP: Yes, eh.
AJ: Screw you, ass face.
Still in the bottom of the 3rd...
AJ: Hey, Kubel, what's it like to be a massive disappointment? I wouldn't worry about it, my mom tells me I'm one all the time but I'm pretty sure I'm one helluva guy. (Pitch) Say, what's that on your face? Is that hair? Kinda patchy. I think I'll call you Patches. That okay with you, Patches? (Pitch) That facial hair is a bit like peach fuzz, Patches. In fact I think the bearded lady at the carnival gets fuller growth. (Pitch)
Patches: I don't think "fuller" is a word.
AJ: That's okay, I don't think you're a hitter. (Pitch) Listen, whatever bet you lost, it isn't worth it. You gotta shave that thing off. It's gotta itch--maybe it's distracting you at the plate. Maybe that's why you can't hit the broadside of a barn. (Pitch, Kubel homers to right-center field) What the HELL is going ON TODAY?!?!
Bottom of the 4th, Pierzynski catching
AJ: Hey Red Dawg. Listen, if you get a run in, I'll trade you your neck line for my upper lip. I've always wanted to have a real neck. (Pitch) You don't talk much huh. All biz-ee-ness. Must be a back-up thing. (Pitch, Redmond sac-flies to right) LUCK! All LUCK! What the HELL!
Bottom of the 5th, Pierzynski catching
AJ: Listen, MVP, I've been to Canada, okay. That pretty much makes me a man of the world. I'm telling you, it should be Canapoo, not Canada. (Pitch) Seriously, on an assiness scale of 1 to 10, Canapoo is a solid 9.5. If I had a choice between going to Canapoo or spending two minutes in Lew Ford's World of Warcraft War Room, I'm doing Ford's War Room...and you KNOW what happens in there. (Pitch, Morneau doubles to right off the baggy)
GET THIS DAMN MICROPHONE OFF ME! I'm giving this to Ozzie...
[EDIT: Don't forget to read Jon's post below!! It's double-dose Wednesday!]