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Twins Acquire Garnett From Wolves

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Desperate Wolves finally find suitor for Garnett...in the same city.

Minneapolis, MN  (AP):  Following Sunday's 1-0 defeat at the hands of the Detroit Tigers, Terry Ryan had a phone conversation with Carl Pohlad.  After two hours of phone conferences details were hammered out and it was official:  Kevin Garnett would be a Minnesota Twin.

"We needed an established athelete to come in here and give us a boost," said a beaming Ron Gardenhire, "and the T-Wolves were looking for some young, promising talent.  It was really a perfect fit."

Garnett, 31, has averaged a double double every year since the '97-'98 season, including 22.4 PPG and 12.8 RPG in '06-'07.  "I'm not sure how those numbers translate," said a slightly baffled Garnett at the press conference late Sunday evening.  "But Torii better be ready, cuz I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN'!"  PECOTA's early predictions have Garnett's mean at .292/.376/.464, with 17 home runs, 28 doubles and 15 stolen bases through the end of this season.  He also has a 58% chance of having a "breakout" year.

While it's true that a team with the Minnesota Twins payroll history couldn't possibly pick up the remainder of what's due on Kevin Garnett's salary, it wasn't a problem in negotiations.  Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor, reached on his cell phone in China, quelled Twins owner Carl Pohlad's concerns about salary by responding "I'M RICH, BITCH!"  It was later discovered he was offering to pay what was due on the '03-'04 NBA MVP's contract.

The Twins' initial offer allegedly included Chris Parmalee, Trevor Plouffe, Matt Garza and Alexi Casilla, but in the end Wolves GM Kevin McHale just demanded "a Big Mac and a little respect".  The Big Mac was delivered immediately.  No word has been heard on the respect.

Garnett's debut date with the Twins is uncertain, but Gardenhire hinted that he might be starting in left field.  As for who would be dropped from the 25-man roster, Gardenhire said "not Tyner or Ford.  Or Punto."

As the press conference wound down, Garnett graciously thanked his supportive fan base in Minneapolis, and then double-checked to be sure he didn't have to give back his Key to the City.  KG then left the stage to thunderous applause and a standing ovation.  Kevin McHale tried to speak, but poo came out of his mouth, giving literal meaning to the phrase:  talking shit.