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The Big Pickup

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AP Newswire -

At 2:07 PM CST today, the Minnesota Twins announced they had finally made the big August acquisition that would put them over the top.

"I didn't do anything until now because I thought we were more than one piece away," said General Manager Terry Ryan.  "But when I saw the possibility of this move I knew it could totally change our season."

Despite receiving fantastic pitching in the second half of the season, the Twins have failed to win many games due to a poorly performing offense.  Recently, with several injuries to supporting players and slumps by the Twins biggest hitters, the Twins have had to fill the lineup with career minor league players.  The Twins are also only a lukewarm 33-27 at home on the season, a number that looks to improve dramatically over the remainder of the schedule.

Oddly enough, the new move didn't come through waiver wire or trade.  Last night, shortly after the Twins dramatic, but disappointing, 2-1 win over the Texas Rangers, young Adam Seidel officially declared himself an available free agent.  Seidel has been smoking hot to this point on the year, with the Twins winning the last 8 straight games he has attended.  These wins include some of the most dramatic of the season, such as Justin Morneau's Father's Day walk off homerun, Joe Mauer's 8th inning, tie breaking 3-run inside the park homerun, and several 1-run, come from behind wins.

"I'm very excited to join the team," said Seidel, speaking to reporters.  "It's good to know I'm joining them in a spot where they really need my help.  Plus, now I can quit my summer job."

In an effort to keep him on his hot streak for as long as possible, the Twins and Seidel have decided to change his schedule as little as possible.  He will not have a locker in the clubhouse, not will he ever meet any of the other players.  He will also be permitted to continue criticizing decisions of Ron Gardenhire and Terry Ryan and belittling Nick Punto for his whiffle bat.

"Usually I hate any kind of questioning of my divine leadership," said Gardenhire.  "But then again, I do make some pretty stupid calls I guess."

Nick Punto, when asked for comment, just shrugged and walked away.

Furthering the continuance of Seidel's comfortable routine, Seidel will not be traveling with the team.  The Twins will be on their own for all road games, making holding a .500 record on the road critical.  Seidel will continue parking in the same parking spot in the church lot across the street from the Metrodome, walking on the appropriate side of Huberts depending on a Twins win or loss, continue his current malt cup consumption habits, and refuse to put his actual last name on his jersey.  Fortunately, no other players will be required to relinquish their number to accommodate Seidel's number 15.

When Gardenhire was asked what position in the field he would play, Gerdenhire responded with a grunt that vaguely resembled the word "veteren" and asked for the next question.  Reporters assume this means Seidel will continue playing his traditional position of Section 120, Row 15, Seat 10.

"I'm pretty excited by all of this.  I'm glad all my efforts resisting eating malt cups in all the close wins has finally paid off.  I'm glad for the opportunity with the Twins.  I've been playing my position for a long time, and I'm glad they aren't moving me, because I should be able to provide some good veteran leadership from here."

Seidel was signed for a pro-rated portion of major league minimum including daily major league per diam,  the cost of his trio of lower deck reserved season tickets, three dozen copies of the Big Red baseball/softball scorebook, 17 BIC mechanical pencils, a signed team ball, a signed, handwritten letter from Ron Gardenhire apologizing for never platooning Jacque Jones and for not pulling Nathan in the 11th inning of game 2 of the 2004 ALDS, and  a Playstation 3.