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The Office Goes To A Twins Game...Again

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See here for the audio transcription of The Office's last visit to see the Twins.  This time the cameras were there, but due to time constraints what follows was omitted from the upcoming episodes of The Office.  Anything in italics was edited as a "Talking Head" segment, where one of the employees of Dunder-Mifflin tell their thoughts to the camera.

Michael (in line for concessions):  So, a couple months back, a few of us took some time off from the paper biz and went to Minneapolis.  I'd never seen the Mall of America.  Anyway, since then, it's been a great team-building activity.  Normally you'd think we'd just go to Pittsburgh or Philadelphia, since we work in Pennsylvania, but Dwight won't go to Philadelphia because he doesn't know what a Phillie is, and we can't go to Pittsburgh because I'm afraid of Pirates.  I'm also afraid of janitors.  They're related, but we don't need to get into that.

Fan:  Michael Scott sucks!

Michael:  (Laughs)  Even in Chicago, they know who I am.  I'm famous!

Jim:  Wow.  So that's why you're here?

Toby:  Yeah.  Well, sort of.  Michael is going to have to start being more careful, because Ryan knows exactly what happens in the office on a day-to-day basis.  He doesn't need me to spy for him, he was there for almost three years.

Jim:  Do you think he can do that?

Toby:  Michael?  No.

Dwight:  Know what I like about this game?  It's like watching two animals, each knowing they're going to die, trying to kill the other first in order to prolong their precious remaining moments of life.

Jim:  That's quite a way to put it.  You like that kind of thing, huh?

Dwight:  Yeah, it's so pathetic.  It's great.

Michael (making way to his seat):  Hey er'body, who's hungry?  Daddy came through for his children, who wants a hot dog?

Dwight: I DO.

Michael:  Catch!  Just kidding, here ya go.  Jim?

Jim:  I'm good, thanks.

Michael:  S'ok.  I don't eat much when my relationship is on the rocks, either.

Jim:  What?

Michael:  WHO ELSE IS HUNGRY?!?  Creed?  Kevin?  Anybody anybody, John Locke has returned with some boar!

Toby:  I'll have one.

Michael:  Nope.

Jim:  Michael loves LOST.  He's just finished watching all of Season 3, because he TiVo'd the whole thing and didn't delete any of them, and so now everything is all about that show.  He likes to think he's certain characters on the island.  Characters, as in not singular.

[Cut to separate confessional]

Michael:  Jim said that?  He's right on.  I'm the leader, so I'm like Jack.  I also provide guidance, as the boss, so I'm like Locke.  I also provide encouragement...or, sustenance, which every office runs on...which makes me even more like Locke.  I play guitar, which makes me like Charlie, although he's dead now, but it makes me like the essence of Charlie.  I can be hard, and impenetrable, like Sawyer.  And, if I were fat, I'd be like Hugo too, because I like food.  (Pause)  Kevin is Hugo.

[Cut back to Jim's confessional]

Jim:  If I were a character on LOST?  I'd be Boone.  Because he's dead.  And therefore free to pursue other career avenues.

Dwight:  I don't mind that we happened to catch the Twins again, I just wish we didn't have to watch this Santana guy again.

Jim:  Dwight, he's one of, if not THE, best pitcher in baseball in the last four years.

Dwight:  You keep saying that, but I refuse to acknowledge your accolades.  They are misplaced.

Jim:  Because you could do better?  With your Schruteball?

Dwight:  Make fun all you like, you'll one day realize your folly.  I only hope for your sake that it won't be too late.

Jim:  .....

Michael:  Hey where's Meredith?

Toby:  She went to the bathroom.  About an hour ago.

Michael:  Must be that time of the month.  Oscar?

Oscar:  Yes?

Michael:  Is it?

Oscar:  Is it what?  Her period?  Why would I know?

Michael:  .....

Oscar:  I'm gay, Michael.  I'm not actually a woman.  I don't get periods, I don't have a sixth sense, and we don't just sit around and gossip about it.

Toby:  It's like Michael has Tourette Syndrome.  Except everything he says at any time could be inappropriate.  Anything.

Kevin:  Hey, Angela, are you going to eat all of that nacho cheese?

Angela:  You don't have any chips.

Kevin:  That's okay, I just like nacho cheese.

Angela:  You're disgusting.  You're going to die of congestive heart failure.  Why are we in Chicago at a baseball game, I don't think it's a very productive selection for a "team-building" weekend.

Creed:  I agree.  It would be much more fun if we worked in a soup kitchen.  There's one just down the street from here.  We can go now if you want.

Angela:  No.

Michael:  WHOA!!  Who was that?  He really...knocked that one.

Jim:  That was Jason Kubel, and it's called a home run.  We've been going to games all summer Michael, how can you not know that was a home run?

Michael:  I can't tell if it's a foul ball.

Todd Packer:  I CAN'T TELL IF YOUR MOM'S A FOUL BALL.

Jim:  We've seen the Twins twice this summer.  The first time, we were lucky enough that Todd Packer actually stayed passed out on liquor the entire game.  This time around he'd come to every three or four innings.  I think he woke up twice.  That's twice too many.  I wonder if anyone bothered to wake him up when the game was over.

Kevin:  Sweet.  Santana just hit double-digit strikeouts.  I just won $600.

Jim:  Say Dwight, you seem like a big MacGyver fan.

Dwight:  Angus MacGyver, absolutely.

Jim:  Right.  What if MacGyver and the Phoenix Foundation played a baseball game against the crew of Battlestar Galactica?  Who would win?

Dwight:  Apart from the fact that your phrasing implies you don't understand your own question, that depends.  If the game takes place in present day, MacGyver has the advantage.  Microlenses from binoculars, a paperclip and a straw, strategically placed, could interfere with the opposition's ability to focus in the sun.  In the future, MacGyver would have no chance.  While he once destroyed a building using a grindstone, ball bearings and a propane tank, I wouldn't advise blowing a hole in the hull in outer space.  Instant death.

Michael: Ho-ho, WOW.  NERD ALERT.  Hey Dwight, why don't you find a way for the Twins to MacGyver a win?  I think they could use one.

Toby:  Um, Creed?  Where did you get eight packages of peanuts?

Creed:  In the early 70's I was homeless in Chicago.  Washington Post, 1972, a report on Mayor Daley led with:  " All that will be lost is a little democracy and a little bit of that American ideal that politics ought to be more than a train that runs on time."  I made that phrase up and it just caught on.

I used to break into any and every location that could have food and provide shelter, and that included the baseball stadiums.  I can break into any baseball stadium in the United States, work my way through the ventilation shafts with a natural sense of direction, and reach food storage without detection.  The eight packages of peanuts are the least of the White Sox' concerns as far as what I saw today.

Michael:  Hey, alright, Twins win!  I bet that means that Santana guy is back in the Cyber Young race, right?  How does he balance out baseball and his music?  If I were in his band I'd be getting mixed signals.

Kevin:  It's the Cy Young race, Michael.

Dwight:  The structural infrastructure of this city is deplorable.

Toby:  There's nothing wrong with Chicago, Dwight, it's a beautiful city in many areas.

Dwight:  Fact, Chicago is windy.  Fact, Chicago hosts two baseball teams, one cursed and one known to be infamous cheaters.  Fact, Gary is right over there.  Fact, if you chart the rate of population growth against the necessary financial and logistical requirements of proportionate architectural infrastructure upkeep, Chicago is basically screwed.  I'm never living here.

Jim:  Fact, you'd never leave Dunder-Mifflin anyway, so Chicago has nothing to worry about.  It was a good game, Dwight, let's just get to the airport.

Dwight:  .....

Dwight (in the bathroom on the airplane):  Jim better watch his back.  One day he's going to say the wrong thing, and if on that day I had to get up extra early because there's a larger number of chickens to feed than usual, or if the beets needed extra care before I came to work, then my fuse might not be as long as it normally is.  I'm a very patient person.  But I'm also a very classy person, and like the tiger I can lie in wait for my prey...

...now you'll have to leave, I need to use the facilities.