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A Letter

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Dear Cleveland,

You probably think you're pretty hot stuff right now.  Sure, you shut us out three times this year.  I know, you destroyed us in the season series 14-4.  And there's no fighting it, you were 4-1 against us in games our boy Santana took the hill.  But you know what, chicken butt?  You still play in Cleveland.  And Cleveland sucks.

So you go ahead and be thrilled now that Pronk is back in form.  Enjoy the sunrays flying from Fausto Carmona, Rafael Perez and Rafael Betancourt's asses.  Bask in the glory of your Victor Martinez and his offense, in your Grady Sizemore and his awesomeness, and in your Kenny Lofton and the 90's nostalgia he inspires.  Because in December, after you've won the World Series, we'll be plotting to overthrow you from your division crown.  Oh yes, I said it.  Plotting.

Viva 2008, baby.

"Boo and hiss," say all you Indians fans.  "You're just bantering about this nonsense willy-nilly, because you're awful sore about how your team has (under-)performed."  Well I'll tell you what Indians fans, I can take the heat.  Just because you dominated the Twins like C.C. Sabathia destroys the shocks on his '07 H3, that doesn't mean I can't fess up to my team-of-choice's lack of performance.  Check it out:

  1.  Pronk took our closer Joe Nathan, one of THE best closers in baseball, deep on Tuesday evening to tie the game that your Indians would eventually win.  Sure, your closer sucks balls, but you beat Joe Nathan.  That's impressive.
  2.  Victor Martinez may not play catcher everyday, but at least he plays.  (I'm sorry Joe I don't mean it please come back soon and feel better we love you Joe!)
  3.  Hey Justin Morneau, where's homer number 30?  And why don't you and Torii Hunter just take turns batting up and down the lineup, and then use ghost runners?  Hello...GHOST RUNNERS ARE THE ANSWER.
  4.  This summer has just made me so sad.
  5.  Luis Castillo hasn't started a game for the Twins since July 28.  That's unacceptable when the top of the lineup desperately needs somebody to get on base.  Geez.
Now please, continue, just RUN away with the division title.  It'll be good for you.  I understand, it's been a while, and you know what?  I'm happy for you (bitches).  Have fun this October (bitches) and good luck in the playoffs (bitches).  Do the AL Central proud (bitches), because all of baseball knows that's something Minnesota couldn't do last autumn (sonofabitch it still stings).

Just enjoy the next few weeks, Cleveland Indians.  Because once it's all done and Twins fans can re-emerge from their holes of despair and disappointment, it's all about next spring.  We'll be waiting.  Oh yes, we'll be waiting.  In our holes of despair and disappointment first, sure, but then we'll just be waiting like everyone else.  Y'know, all optimistic and butterflies..."ooh, new and shiny"...you know how it goes.

Oh, and if you see any nice post cards while you're still playing next month, drop one in the mail for us.  Thanks.

Sincerely,

Jesse

PS-Hi Casey Blake!  Hi Aaron Fultz!  Remember when you played for us?  Yeeeaaaaahhhhhhh....

PPS-Internets are back, moving is complete.  See you tomorrow everyone.