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Condolence Letters to Other AL MVP "Candidates" and Concerned Parties

Most of these are mine.  One is not.

Dear Derek Jeter,

Thank you for your fantastic season, but we regret to inform you that you were not voted the winner of the American League MVP for the following reasons.

  • You didn't hit as well as Joe Mauer.
  • You didn't his as many home runs as Joe Mauer.
  • You weren't on base as often as Joe Mauer, although generally we only vote based on those first two categories.
  • You weren't as good as Joe Mauer, just in general.  We couldn't find one good reason for you to win, other than that you played in New York.

We do thank you for your candidacy and trust A-Rod will be there to genty dry your tears.

Kind regards,
Major League Baseball


Dear Mark Tee-yeh-sher-ah,

We regret to inform you that your candidacy for American League MVP has been rejected because only six of the voting parties could spell your last name.

Also, you weren't as good as Joe Mauer.

Major League Baseball


Dear Keizo Konishi,

This makes about as much sense as giving Jeter the Hank Aaron award.  He wasn't the best hitter, and M-Cab is not the most valuable player in any universe.  Who hit better?  Joe Mauer.  Who's team won the division?  Joe Mauer's.  Who's team beat Cabrera's team?  Joe Mauer's.  Who's not out getting drunk before the team's biggest game?  Joe Mauer.

Congratulations on becoming baseball's newest Douche of the Universe.  Wear that crown proudly, brainless.


PS-I'm sorry, I still just don't understand.  On what legitimate level do you honestly think Cabrera is more valuable than Joe Mauer?


Dear Zack Greinke,

You actually would have been a good choice if Joe Mauer hadn't been in your league.  Sorry bud, I guess you'll just have to settle for the Cy Young.

Peace out homie,


Hey Justin,

IT'S ON BITCH!  Whoever gets the next one has to do a Jimmy John's commercial.

Or is it whomever?  Gosh, I'm just not sure.

It's your game on Madden,


Dear Joe,

Congrats from one Minnesota sports Jesus to another on the MVP!  Am I next?

AP (aka Purple J)


Dear Joe,

I'm sorry, I really should have given my award to you.



Dear Jeter,



Please feel free to write your own letters...