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All the Headlines Fit To Not Print

The Winter Meetings are over, the Twins have offered contracts to all of their arbitration-eligible players, and so the news has, for the moment, slowed down. (This statement will be officially null and void, should Joe Mauer choose to favor us with an early Christmas present.)

So, with the headlines slowing a bit, it's time to fall back on the old standby of lazy journalists everywhere: making stuff up!  Below, some of the headlines you won't be seeing over the next few days:

Bill Smith Tenders Contract To Hot Fudge Sundae
Official team site headline: "Smith locks up important piece"

Team Has To Gently Explain Trade to Carlos Gomez for Fourth Time
"I really hope it's just a language thing," say team officials

Cuddyer's Masterpiece: Magician Makes Metrodome Disappear
On same day, Yanks' Sabathia makes fourteen hot dogs and an entire fried chicken disappear

Timberwolves, Wild DIscuss Contract Extensions With Mauer's Agent
May fill third-line right wing, shooting guard holes

Redmond Still Planning To Report To Spring Training
Security to begin extended details on January 1 in hopes of avoiding bloodbath on reporting day

ESPN SportsCenter Special: Target Field - Brett Favre Finally Speaks!
How does this affect Tiger Woods?

CERN Large Hadron Collider Experiments Prove: Prince Fielder's Pants Don't Fit
Researchers hope new theories explain how pants can be built so large

Joe Mauer Displays First Signs of Personality
Doctors hope he may utter first interesting quote within six months

Justin Morneau Still Debating Fan Letter to Spuds Mackenzie
Letter was written in 1989

Wouldn't it be a more interesting world, though?