"Hi, everybody, this is Anthony LaPanta, welcoming you to the Minnesota Twins' annual Christmas for Kids Toy Drive. The Twins, along with FSN, are proud to sponsor this program, in which the Twins organization donate personal, one-of-a-kind gifts that go to children in need. Joining me is former Twins great Roy Smalley. Roy, good of you to be here today."
"Good to be here, Anthony. And can I just say, from one man with incredible hair to another, that your hair is looking extra sharp? Astonishing body, perfect hold."
"You're too kind, Roy. Just using what Mother Nature gave me, along with Brylcreem, the sap of a fresh-cut Norway pine, and just a little rubber cement to tie the whole thing together."
"You're a Norway pine guy, too, huh? You see, I go with that, a generous handful of Mr. Jeffrey's Pomade for Gadabouts, and then stand behind a jet engine for 10 minutes. The results speak for themselves."
"Indeed they do. Well, I'm sure our viewers didn't tune in just to hear us talk about hair and styling products, so let's--"
"Well, to hell with them, Anthony. This stuff is important."
"I'm serious, Anthony. Serious as a damn heart attack. HAIR IS IMPORTANT."
"You'll get no argument from me, Roy. But we did want to bring our guests out to talk a little about the subject at hand, which is making Christmas a little brighter for area kids in this rough economy. Our first guest is Twins GM Bill Smith. Come on out, Bill!"
(BILL SMITH enters.)
"Hello, Anthony, Roy."
"Happy holidays, Bill. Let's get right to it, what have you brought with you today?"
"Well, as you know, a lot of the Twins spend their offseason at their winter homes down south, but some of them stick around the metro area and need something to do before spring training gets underway. So, I'm using this unique opportunity to give a lucky boy or girl Nick Punto for the entire month of January!"
(NICK PUNTO enters with a giant red bow on this chest. The bow is filthy.)
"Just think, guys, some boy or girl can have the gritty, pluckly, brimming with want-to infielder for their very own for 31 days. Miss the bus and need a ride to school? Nick can give you a piggyback ride! Want someone to slide headfirst into a bully's ankles? Nick can do that!"
"Wow, Bill. That's...wrong. Creepy and wrong."
"His agent should've maybe read the fine print on the contract, Anthony. Did he honestly think he was worth $8 million strictly for his on-field performance?"
"OK, then. Pretty sure what you've just described is illegal and dangerous, Bill, but the gesture is appreciated. Moving on to our next guests, you know them as the television voices of the Minnesota Twins, please welcome Dick Bremer and Bert Blyleven."
"Merry Christmas, gentlemen. Dick, did you want to tell us what you brought with you today?"
"Sure thing, Anthony. You know, Bert and I thought long and hard about the perfect gift for a young Twins fan, and we thought that a brand new glove, bat, and ball would be just the thing. Could you hand me the presents, Bert?"
(BERT gives DICK a gift bag. DICK reaches into the bag.)
"As you'll see, these have all b--what the..."
(DICK's voice trails off and his face turns ashen.)
"Bert. My God, you didn't..."
"Merry Christmas, Dick, and a Happy POOP Year!"
"I despise you. With all my being, I despise you and all you've done."
(DICK attacks BERT and they begin scuffling. ANTHONY speaks.)
"Well, I'm being told that this is all the time we have today. Please stay tuned for Rick Anderson's Variety Hour and Cabaret, featuring special guest Tony Fiore. Merry Christmas, everybody."