Nation declares May 1 Joe Mauer Day; May Day thrown out as "classless", "uninspiring" and "clearly not as good as Joe Mauer Day".
Late last night, Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire received a message from President of the United States, Barack Obama.
"He just wanted to call to congratulate us on getting Joe back," admitted Gardenhire earlier this morning.
"But I didn't go anywhere," said Joe Nathan.
"Not you," said Gardenhire.
Since the Twins lost Mauer to inflammation of his SI joint, the Twins had gone 11-11 in the month of April. Scientists have proven that had Mauer been healthy, there's a mathematical probability that the team could have won those eleven games. "Possibly even more," said a blushing librarianesque brunette in a form-fitting lab coat, "due to extra win credits for All-American sideburns."
Across the nation this morning, students and the work force have been encouraged to wear their sideburns in support of Mauer's return. Additionally, Freedom Fries are now called Mauer Fries, the phrase "giving it your all" has been replaced by "giving it a Joe", and Starbucks is running a promotion called "Have a cup of Joe for Joe" where proceeds will go to help underprivileged teens who can't grow facial hair.
Rumors that Mauer was actually in Europe playing for Chelsea in the Champions League are currently under investigation, but the Twins have denied that such reports are true.