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Manny Ramirez Tests Positive for PED's, Lying

Doctors concerned for Manny and his common sense.

Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games, but here at Twinkie Town we're going to hit you with a little bit of truthiness:  it wasn't his fault.  He'll accept responsibility, but only because "Under the policy that mistake is now my [Manny's] responsibility."  Honestly, it really is the doctor's fault.  Is Manny a doctor?  No, Manny is not a doctor.

This was heard yesterday afternoon as Manny was followed to his vehicle:

Reporter:  Manny, are you a doctor?
Manny:  No, Manny is not a doctor.

But still Manny is man enough to take responsibility.

What has physicians around the globe most concerned over Manny Ramirez and his use of HCG is that the drug is used for two things:  as a fertility drug for women, and for athletes who use it to kick start their bodies after a cycle of using steroids.  Since Manny has "taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons", it's clearly not the latter reason.

"I'm concerned for Manny's well-being," said one M.D. who refused to be identified for fear of being on the receiving end of the wrath of Manny's hair extensions.  "His mood swings, the laziness which is actually sleepiness, the sexual appetite for cheese burgers...those are signs of being pregnant.  I'm not sure Manny knew what he was taking."

Not commonly known by these doctors is that Manny's favorite movie of all time is Junior, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.  Recently, teammates had become concerned over not only his relation to the character of Dr. Alex Hesse but also his devotion to research into whether or not the male body can carry to term.  The following books were found in the locker of Manny Ramirez:

  • Your Baby and You
  • Can You Feel It Kicking?  (It's A Soccer Player!)
  • Junior:  The Fan's Bible to the Best Movie Ever
  • HCG Is Magic
  • 101 Ways to Make Your Dreadlocks Awesomer Than Yesterday
  • A Man's Guide to Sensitive Nipples

Of course, all of this is circumstantial evidence.  As we've already discussed, Manny Ramirez was not aware he was taking anything illegal.  Sure, it's his body.  Sure, he was aware of the rules.  But Manny is not a doctor.

What gets lost in all this Manny mumbo-jumbo and character slandering is The Real Manny.  This is the guy who donates to charities, refuses to play so that other guys can take their turns, and even uses his family as an excuse to miss spring training when really he's just going to a car auction.  If that's not sacrifice, which is something we all love from our heroes and athletes, then I don't know what is.

Ultimately, time will tell on the issue of the PED's.  But if there's one thing we know about Manny Ramirez, it's that he speaks the truth.  This has been proven time and time again over the years.  Sometimes people don't like to hear it, but you know what?  That's just Manny being Manny.  Deal with it, wimps.