The Twins hit Chicago today for a three-game series, and so it's time to break down the battle scientifically. Today's matchup: hometown mascot TC Bear, against legendary Wrigleyville watering hole The Cubby Bear.
| TC Bear | The Cubby Bear | Advantage | |
| Threat to... | Hug children without warning | Puke | TC Bear |
| Favorite postgame activity: | Riding ATV around on field | Gouging customers on price of Old Style | The Cubby Bear |
| Texture: | Fuzzy | Sticky | TC Bear |
| Serves nachos? | No | Yes | The Cubby Bear |
| Inside is... | Person who is tired of constantly getting punched in the crotch by youngsters | Fans who don't show up to the game until the third inning | Push |
| Eyes | Giant, unmoving, slightly haunting | Covered by beer goggles | The Cubby Bear |
| During the game | Shoots hot dogs out of large gun | Serves people who are too drunk to walk all the way over to the bleachers | TC Bear |
| Criticism | Scares small children | Overpriced, too many trendy idiots | Push |
It's all so much easier when we break these things down logically.