The Twins hit Chicago today for a three-game series, and so it's time to break down the battle scientifically. Today's matchup: hometown mascot TC Bear, against legendary Wrigleyville watering hole The Cubby Bear.
|TC Bear||The Cubby Bear||Advantage|
|Threat to...||Hug children without warning||Puke||TC Bear|
|Favorite postgame activity:||Riding ATV around on field||Gouging customers on price of Old Style||The Cubby Bear|
|Serves nachos?||No||Yes||The Cubby Bear|
|Inside is...||Person who is tired of constantly getting punched in the crotch by youngsters||Fans who don't show up to the game until the third inning||Push|
|Eyes||Giant, unmoving, slightly haunting||Covered by beer goggles||The Cubby Bear|
|During the game||Shoots hot dogs out of large gun||Serves people who are too drunk to walk all the way over to the bleachers||TC Bear|
|Criticism||Scares small children||Overpriced, too many trendy idiots||Push|
It's all so much easier when we break these things down logically.