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TC Bear vs. The Cubby Bear: Who ya got?

The Twins hit Chicago today for a three-game series, and so it's time to break down the battle scientifically.  Today's matchup: hometown mascot TC Bear, against legendary Wrigleyville watering hole The Cubby Bear.


  TC Bear The Cubby Bear Advantage
Threat to... Hug children without warning Puke TC Bear
Favorite postgame activity: Riding ATV around on field Gouging customers on price of Old Style The Cubby Bear
Texture: Fuzzy Sticky TC Bear
Serves nachos? No Yes The Cubby Bear
Inside is... Person who is tired of constantly getting punched in the crotch by youngsters Fans who don't show up to the game until the third inning Push
Eyes Giant, unmoving, slightly haunting Covered by beer goggles The Cubby Bear
During the game Shoots hot dogs out of large gun Serves people who are too drunk to walk all the way over to the bleachers TC Bear
Criticism Scares small children Overpriced, too many trendy idiots Push


It's all so much easier when we break these things down logically.