(What follows is a transcript of the only known episode of FSN’s "Anthony LaPanta’s Outdoor Follies, Featuring Ron Coomer." It was meant to air the Wednesday after the All-Star break and serve as a pilot for a potential series, but as you’ll see, this was not to be the case.)
INTRO: (bluegrass, banjo-inflected theme music begins)
<!--[if !supportEmptyParas]--><!--[endif]-->ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Anthony LaPanta’s Outdoor Follies, Featuring Ron Coomer, brought to you by FSN North and the Elmer’s family of children’s glues and pastes. Anthony and Ron’s special guests this evening are Robby Incmikoski, Bert Blyleven and Marney Gellner. And now, Anthony LaPanta and Ron Coomer.
(LAPANTA and COOMER are seated in folding chairs in front of what appears to be a furnace.)
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LAPANTA: Hi, everyone, and welcome to the inaugural episode of Anthony LaPanta’s Outdoor Follies. I’m Anthony LaPanta and this is Ron Coomer. How’s it going, Ron?
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COOMER: Couldn’t be better, Anthony. Couldn’t be better.
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LAPANTA: Good to hear. Well, folks, our show is meant to focus on the Upper Midwest’s love of the great outdoors, be it fishing, hunting, boating, or just getting away to the cabin. Our plan was to shoot this in Ely, but there were some technical issues that couldn’t be resolved---
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COOMER: Technical issues? Geez Louise, dude, just tell ‘em that we got up there, maybe got a little snapped up, covered Telly Hughes in honey and threw him into the woods for a laugh---
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LAPANTA: I don’t think the details matter, Coom.
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COOMER: And that’s when the bears ate Telly. I have to admit, I did not see that coming.
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LAPANTA: Anyway, due to those issues and the impending trial, we’re broadcasting from Ron Coomer’s basement in Plymouth.
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<!--[endif]-->COOMER: Not just a basement, Anthony, a wildlife sanctuary. (COOMER reaches under his chair, fetches a shoe box, and pulls a raccoon out of it.) Get a load of that, Anthony! Ain't he something!
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LAPANTA: Good God, man, what are you doing? That can’t be legal!
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COOMER: Oh, give it a rest, Nancy. His name’s Raccoomer, and he’s harmless! Here, pet him. (COOMER throws RACCOOMER onto LAPANTA’s lap, RACCOOMER immediately scurries up LAPANTA and nestles into his hair.)
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LAPANTA: AAAAAGGGGHHHHGHAAAGHGHHG!
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COOMER: Dude, relax. He likes your thick, lustrous hair.
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(LAPANTA faints.)
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COOMER: Anthony? Anthony? Well, shoot, looks like Anthony’s taking a break, folks, so I might as well take it from here. Let’s see, our first guest is the newest member of the FSN Twins broadcast team, please welcome to the show, Robby Ignatowitz.
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(INCMIKOSKI enters, steps over LAPANTA, sits down)
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INCMIKOSKI: Hey, Ron, what the hell happened here?
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COOMER: Ah, don’t worry about it, Raccoomer’s just making friends. So, Richie, good to have you as the first guest on our new show!
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INCMIKOSKI: It’s a pleasure, Ron, but please, we’ve been working together for months now. It’s Robby Incmikoski.
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COOMER: My mistake, Danny. Anyway, we’re having you on because you grew up in Philadelphia, correct?
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INCMIKOSKI: Yeah.
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COOMER: Well, I bet they didn’t have any of these in Philly! (COOMER gets up, goes behind the furnace, and leads out a cow on a leash. Riding the cow is Twins color commentator BERT BLYLEVEN. He is shirtless.)
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BLYLEVEN: Hey, Ricky!
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INCMIKOSKI: Robby! And what on earth is this?
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BLYLEVEN: Why, it’s a cow, of course.
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INCMIKOSKI: No! Why is it in the basement? Why are you riding it? And where’s your shirt?
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BLYLEVEN: Well, it’s in the basement because that’s where we’re filming the show. I’m riding it because I needed a place to sit, and the lack of a shirt is helping me create that downward plane to keep her in check.
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INCMIKOSKI: I didn’t sign up for this. (INCMIKOSKI gets up from chair, walks off the set.)
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COOMER: Wow, the new guy sure is touchy.
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BLYLEVEN: I guess. My California math says we have time for one more guest, Coom.
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COOMER: That's right, Bert. You want to introduce her, Anthony?
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(LAPANTA is still unconscious. RACCOOMER is nibbling his ear and stroking his cowlick.)
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COOMER: Guess not. Anyway, tonight’s final guest is one of our favorite people, the lovely Marney Gellner!
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(GELLNER enters the room, doesn’t appear to be shaken by the prone LAPANTA or shirtless, cow-riding BLYLEVEN.)
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GELLNER: Hey, guys, you must’ve really rattled Robby. What did I tell you about taking it easy on the newbie?
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COOMER, BLYLEVEN: sorry, Marney.
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GELLNER: After we’re done here, I want you both to call him and apologize. And Bert, you’re gonna wash the "Blyleven HoF Now" graffiti off the side of the cow before you return it to wherever you got it from. Now, what’s on tap for this segment?
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COOMER: I’m glad you asked that, Marney! (COOMER gets up and runs off-camera. Much rustling is heard, followed by a series of increasingly louder explosions. A disheveled, soot-covered COOMER ambles back into the picture. His sport coat is on fire.)
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COOMER: Uh, guys, I think I should have thought through the bit on building the perfect bonfire a little more…
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GELLNER: Dammit, Ron, you used gasoline in an enclosed space again, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?
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COOMER: I’m sorry. (Flames start coming into view. A startled RACCOOMER leaps from LAPANTA’s hair and out the basement window.)
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GELLNER: You’re always sorry, Ron! Now, you two get that cow out of here before the furnace blows. I’ll take care of the rest. (GELLNER pulls out a cigarette, lights it with a flame from COOMER’s sport coat, and throws LAPANTA over her shoulders. GELLNER takes a deep drag, then turns to the camera.)
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GELLNER: I’m Marney Gellner, and for Anthony LaPanta, Ron Coomer, Robby Incmikoski and Bert Blyleven, thanks for watching this episode of Anthony LaPanta’s Outdoor Follies, Featuring Ron Coomer. Stay tuned for the World Series of Pinochle, joined already in progress.