Twins Offseason Power Rankings

A quick look at what's rising and what's falling in Twins Nation this offseason. These are entirely unserious, not meant for gambling purposes, and may well be legally actionable.

1. Justin Morneau's head. Every other move the Twins make this offseason pales in comparison to the health of their first baseman. I wish someone would convince Morneau to do something on Twitter like Drew Magary's daily Tweet Your Weight updates, only for his brain. Ex: "Symptom-free yesterday, kid's a little under the weather, making some American bacon. #stillsmarterthankubel" I would follow this.
2. Pavstache. Does he stay? Does he go? How much will it take to sign him? Who gets custody of Butera and that storage unit in Annandale that's filled with matches and oily rags? Can I find another running bit to replace Pavstache? THESE ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.
3. Hitting F5 on www.mlbtraderumors.com. it's like the trade deadline, but it lasts for months!
4. Not giving a flying damn what the Yankees do with Derek Jeter. That said, it would be hilarious if he signed with Baltimore.
5. The bullpen. The only thing we know for sure is that Tony Fiore is not going to be the closer. And do we even know that?
6. Laughing at the return Florida got for Dan Uggla.
7. Your Twins rube buddy using that as justification for his "The Twins can package Trevor Plouffe, Anthony Swarzak and Kevin Slowey for Josh Johnson" trade scenario.
8. Tendering or non-tendering J.J. Hardy. Anyone who wants to let him go should look at what else is out there: Orlando Cabrera, Nick Punto and a pile of old Christmas sweaters. The sweaters "have a lot of get-after-it" according to Gardy.
9. Michael Beasley and Kevin Love. Currently the only professional athletes in the state that are making me not pine for pitchers & catchers. (Jon Marthaler: since you're the hockey guy, feel free to plug in the name of whoever it is keeping the Wild relevant right now. Don Beaupre?)
10. AL Manager of the Year Ron Gardenhire. He'll celebrate by once again narrating the children's classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS.