Part of Target Field's charm is its focus on the rich history of Minnesota baseball, from the statues of Twins legends and the enlarged baseball cards of Twins pseudo-legends to the Town Ball Tavern celebrating the state's town-team baseball tradition. However, there was only room for so much, so some things had to be culled. Here's a look at some of the displays and memorabilia that you won't be seeing at your new baseball park:
- A bronze sculpture depicting Dan Gladden tussling with Steve Lombardozzi on his front lawn. It was felt that bronze was incapable of capturing the silken majesty of Gladden's mullet, and other precious metals would have blown up the budget.
- The two giant, industrial-sized fans that the Twins used during the home halves of Metrodome innings to turn fly balls into home runs. (NOTE TO BOBBY VALENTINE: THIS IS SATIRE.)
- The Calvin Griffith Politically Incorrect Comment and Racial Epithet Generator. Does your grocery store have one of those buttons in the dairy section that kids can press to hear a cow's moo? The same concept was bandied about as a way of paying tribute to the man who brought baseball to Minnesota, before it was determined that this was the worst idea anyone has ever had, ever.
- A simple, somber granite plaque commemorating the Opening Day lineup of the 2000 Minnesota Twins. The remembrance was deemed "too sad" to make the cut. Rumors persist that a group of season ticket holders from that era may pay for it themselves and place it on the Metrodome plaza, near the site of the original disaster.
- A kiosk selling Paul Thormodsgard's Thermos® Guards. Market research indicated that the customer base for the former Twins pitcher's line of padlocks and chains custom-built to protect Thermos®-brand mugs and glasses from roving gangs of insulated-drinkware thieves was "Jason Tyner-small." Similar concepts, like Dave Goltz's Breakfast Oats and Lenny Faedo Will Wash Your Car For $15, are still under consideration.
- An interactive, multimedia display titled, "He's Still in the League? A Celebration of Twins Veteran Signings." It would have allowed fans to immerse themselves in the experience of watching Tony Batista butcher a slow-rolling grounder, or observe the suspiciously diminished skill set of Bret Boone in real time. The proposal was scrapped when planners realized it was cheaper to just fly in Batista, Boone, Butch Huskey, Rondell White, Ruben Sierra, Phil Nevin, Jose Offerman, Pat Borders and Craig Monroe, have them hang out in one of the concourses and pay them in cigarettes.
- Pelting Chuck Knoblauch. Similar to the "how fast can you pitch" games at amusement parks and fairs, this game would allow patrons to recreate the infamous dollar dog night abuse of Knobby by heaving various items (hot dogs, golf balls, full cups of beer) at a life-size cutout of the former Twins second baseman/wife-beating jackass. The idea was shot down due to questions about Tom Kelly's availability to glare at the participants.