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It's Official: Twins Moving Back to Metrodome on Friday (SATIRE)

Despite a rousing victory on Thursday night that featured two Jason Kubel home runs, the Twins have announced they are moving forward by moving back.  Yes, the Twins will be leaving Target Field for the friendly confines of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, effective immediately.

The decision, says Twins GM Bill Smith, was not one that was undertaken lightly.  "Yes, we realize that the new place is a gem, and that a lot of time and taxpayer money went into it.  You literally can't find a person outside our clubhouse who'll say a bad word about it.  Unfortunately, no one outside our clubhouse plays for us, and the guys have just had enough.  Those fly balls that aren't home runs, those true hops on real grass and dirt...I mean, can you even call it baseball?"

Twins players overwhelmingly agreed with the decision.

"Bare minimum, I should have 10, 15 dingers right now," said Michael Cuddyer.  "Have you seen how the ball friggin' dies out there?  Completely bush league.  And don't get me started on the double plays.  No way some of those balls don't get through the infield on the carpet.  This grass we have apparently slows batted balls down.  It's unprofessional."

Infielder Brendan Harris was quick to agree.  "I've had my struggles at the plate everywhere this year, it's no secret," said Harris. "But at least a few of those balls would've gotten lost in the Metrodome ceiling or lights like a pop-up should, probably enough to get my average damn near .200, maybe .220 even.  And I never saw a squirrel run on the field at the Dome once.  Sure, there are rats all over the place, but not on the field."

The decision to move back to the Dome was solidified after Major League Baseball rejected the Twins' request to use aluminum bats for all Target Field games.  A source says MLB was initially on board, but negotiations fell apart when it was determined that the visiting team would have to use them, too.  "Quite simply, we couldn't get insurance," said the source.  "Jesse Crain pitching to guys with aluminum bats?  Someone would've gotten killed on the Party Deck."

Twins officials expect fans to be upset at first, but figure they'll get used to it once the dog days of summer kick in.  "Have you ever heard a Minnesotan not complain about the humidity and mosquitoes?" said one team official.  "Trust me, once they get to sit inside, in the air conditioning, on a stifling August afternoon, they'll be fine with it.  The men especially, who can once again enjoy the camaraderie of standing at the old troughs and peeing right next to total strangers.  That first bracing splash of someone else's urine on their bare ankle will let them know they're back home."

As for what will happen to Target Field, the Twins have asked the Vikings if they have any interest in moving in, and are accepting offers for the giant Minny and Paul Twins sign in center field.  No reasonable offers will be refused.  In addition, if any Twins fans have a truck or van to help move stuff from Target Field to the Metrodome, the team says it would value the fans' assistance and would "go halfsies on gas and beer."