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The balance of the Twins trade deadline talk has centered around adding a starting pitcher, and the same names keep coming up: Roy Oswalt, Dan Haren, Ted Lilly, etc. While these are perfectly reasonable names to discuss, what becomes lost in the back-and-forth about no-trade clauses, extensions and how many prospects to give up is the obvious answer to the team's starting pitching woes: Airwolf.
THE FACTS
Now, critics may say that signing Airwolf is "too expensive," or "it's a TV helicopter, it doesn't have arms," but critics are jerks. The following things are undeniable FACTS:
- Airwolf is an "advanced supersonic helicopter with stealth capabilities and a formidable arsenal," just like Stephen Strasburg. But can you FLY Stephen Strasburg? No. No, you cannot. ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
- Airwolf first appeared in 1984 and is currently an unsigned free agent, just like Roger Clemens. Unlike Clemens, Airwolf has never been associated with steroids or Mindy McCready. ADVANTAGE: AIRWOLF
- The home locker room in Target Field is said to be a vast improvement over the cramped quarters at the Metrodome. Room enough for a supersonic helicopter? OSHA and the City of Minneapolis Fire Code may well say that it would be an issue were Airwolf and Jose Mijares to share a locker room, but there has to be a work-around. ADVANTAGE: KNOCKING A WALL OUT OR SOMETHING
THE NUMBERS
Airwolf's numbers also compare favorably to the other pitchers the Twins might be looking at:
Pitcher |
GS |
IP |
H |
HR |
BB |
SO |
xFIP |
Exp W-L (T) |
eWPCT |
Roy Oswalt |
19 |
124.0 |
100 |
11 |
33 |
117 |
3.42 |
9.79 - 9.21 |
.515 |
Brett Myers |
19 |
129.0 |
126 |
11 |
39 |
93 |
4.00 |
10.22 - 8.78 |
.538 |
Ted Lilly |
16 |
104.0 |
92 |
18 |
25 |
75 |
4.62 |
7.34 - 8.66 |
.459 |
Dan Haren |
20 |
135.0 |
155 |
21 |
27 |
133 |
3.42 |
8.96 - 11.04 |
.448 |
Ben Sheets |
19 |
119.1 |
123 |
18 |
43 |
84 |
4.48 |
7.41 - 11.59 |
.390 |
AIRWOLF |
Jan |
Michael |
Vincent |
Is |
The |
Pilot |
Case |
[redacted] |
Closed |
As far as other '80s-era super machines, it's a slam dunk:
Super Machine |
Pilot |
Supporting Cast |
Intangibles |
Airwolf |
J-MV as Stringfellow Hawke |
Ernest Borgnine, a lady with '80s hair, and a guy with an EYEPATCH. |
Hawke played a Stradivarius. The soothing sounds of classical music are a perfect soundtrack for Michael Cuddyer's magic tricks. |
KITT |
David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight |
Kitt was voiced by William Daniels, who later appeared on Boy Meets World. Topanga never returns my fan mail. |
Tricked-out helicopter > tricked-out car. |
Blue Thunder |
James Farentino as Lt. Frank Chaney |
Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith and Dana Carvey |
An advanced prototype police helicopter that needed a souped-up Econoline for ground support? Weak. |
Blanche Devereaux |
All sexually active men in the greater Miami area |
Betty White, Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur |
Roughly Jamie Moyer's age. Deceased. |
THE FINAL ANALYSIS
As far as signability goes, it shouldn't be a problem. Jan-Michael Vincent hasn't appeared in a movie since 2002, so he should be available for the veteran's minimum.
Here's how my preferred rotation stacks up: Liriano, Pavano, AIRWOLF, Duensing, Baker, giving you lefty, righty, helicopter, lefty, righty. If this looks familiar, it's because this is the same set-up that worked so well for the mid-'70s Oakland Athletics. (The helicopter was Vida Blue.)
Fortune favors the bold, Bill Smith. Make it happen.