"Hi, I'm baseball's Delmon Young. You know, kids growing up today who want to play baseball need to learn that there's more to the game besides hitting home runs and throwing strikeouts. They need to know how to play defense, and that means they need to learn to how to field their position. That's why I've created the Delmon Young Center For Kids Who Can't Field Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good, Too.
"At the Center, we'll teach kids the importance of: Taking the Proper Angle."
(VISUAL: pop fly is hit to Young. He measures it up, tiptoes 15 feet in the wrong direction, then streaks back to where he was in the first place to barely make the catch.)
"Fielding Line Drives."
(VISUAL: line drive is hit to Young. Young charges the ball at top speed, slides feet first towards it and puts his glove in front of his face. The ball goes all the way to the wall.)
"Communicating With Your Teammates."
(VISUAL: short pop-up hit to left-center. J.J. Hardy, Denard Span and Young all gather at the spot, yelling, "MINE!" All three stop as the ball falls harmlessly to the ground and the runner takes second.)
"Hitting the Cutoff Man."
(VISUAL: Young catches ball at the warning track. Runner at second tags to go to third. Young fires an absolute bullet that sails 10 feet over J.J. Hardy's head, one hops into the stands, hits a pillar that damages Target Field's structural integrity, and forces the Twins to finish the season at the Metrodome.)
"This is just the tip of the icebox. We also have special guest instructors like Manny Ramirez."
(VISUAL: ManRam dives for a soft liner, bobbles ball, loses pants, attempts to sell you his gas grill.)
"My brother, former major league great Dmitri Young."
(VISUAL: Dmitri sits in the dugout, smoking a really oddly-shaped cigaret--oh.)
"And former Twin Lew Ford."
(VISUAL: Ford plays World of Warcraft on his iPad in the outfield, and celebrates as his Night Elf avatar slays a village of trolls while a ball flies over his head.)
"The Delmon Young Center for Kids Who Can't Field Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good, Too is accepting applications today. Just call us toll-free at 1-800-266-6224, that's 1-800-BOOMBCH. Operators are standing by."