(In honor of the Twins' 50th Anniversary, I've pored over the rosters of all 50 teams and determined the best baseball name on each one. There are two rules: no repeat winners, and the victor is completely arbitrary. Enjoy.)
(Part I is here.)
(No, I don't know who's healthy for tonight, either. Will update throughout the day.)
1986: Frank Pastore. Allegedly hosts the largest Christian radio talk show in the country and can eat a 72-oz. steak in under ten minutes. Huh.
1987: Joe Klink. All apologies to Dan Schatzeder, but onomatopoeia is worth double.
1988: Tippy Martinez. Self-explanatory.
1989: Randy St. Claire. No relation to Corky.
1990: Fred Manrique
1991: Junior Ortiz. Ortiz has a World Series ring. Ryne Sandberg does not, because screw Cubs fans, that's why.
1992: Mauro Gozzo. Two games pitched, ERA of 27.00. He gets the middle innings tonight.
1993: Mike Maksudian. Maksudian (mak-SOO-dee-en), noun; term for when baseball team lapses from contender to also-ran. Ex: "The Cleveland Indians' sudden Maksudian came as no surprise to the franchise's long-suffering fans."
1994: Jeff Reboulet. Every generation gets the Rob Wilfong they deserve.
1995: Vince Horsman. No, I don't remember him, either.
The controversial finale is after the jump:
1996: Dan Serafini
1997: Scott Stahoviak. Stahoviak (stuh-HO-vee-ack), noun; term for when baseball team lapses from also-ran to laughingstock. Ex: "The persistent presence of Scott Aldred in the starting rotation signaled the start of a Stahoviak that would last until 2001."
1998: Jon Shave. Toughest choice of Part II, but verb trumps religion, Travis Baptist.
1999: Midre Cummings
2000: Jay Canizaro. He played 102 games for the Twins that season. We have it SO GOOD right now.
2001: Quinton McCracken. He wins the title of Most Likely Twin to Have His Name in a Filthy Limerick, all due apologies to Rusty Kuntz.
2002: Tony Fiore. Fiore won 10 games in 2002. His go-to pitch was a palmball. My repeated demands for FSN to do a documentary on this have so far gone unheard.
2003: Todd Sears. A wealthy gadabout who was the heir to the Sears department store fortune, Sears often played games with a monocle, spats, and cigarette holder.
2004: Terry Tiffee
2005: Corky Miller. Grown men still going by Corky as of five years ago. Wouldn't have figured that.
2006: Josh Rabe. The Twins' utilization of both Rabe and Brian Raabe indicates that Elizabethton's Kenneth Raaabe is on the fast track to the bigs.
2007: Carmen Cali.
2008: Mike Lamb. TwinkieTown's Jon Marthaler still holds a mysterious grudge against him. No one knows why. (Actually, it was because Mike Lamb was useless.)
2009: Armando Gabino. He's got the 8th tonight.
2010: Trevor Plouffe. Hey, it's almost onomatopoeia.