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The Bottom of the Barrel

Pitchers and catchers report next week. The temperature on my desktop weather app is dangerously close to being above zero. Praise be to Hosken Powell, but the long offseason is all but done. This is for the best, as this gives your TwinkieTown writers actual things to write about. Practices! Workouts! Injuries! Spring training games!

Also, it keeps me from having to use the following bits to kill time on Fridays, waiting for winter to end. Consider yourselves lucky that it never came to this:

  • The Further Adventures of Pavstache and Sweet Drew: when Carl Pavano signed his new contract, Pavstache and Drew celebrated with a whiskey-and-kerosene-soaked trip to Australia. The thrilling caper would've seen Pavstache in the Outback, taking a walkabout and romancing Stephanie, a local girl with a secret and a raging case of gout, and Sweet Drew burning something down. Let's say Perth.
  • Ron Gardenhire's Guide to Domestic Canned Beers: graded on flavor, cost, crush-ability, grit, and how many you can drink on a boat before Steve Liddle has to take the helm.
  • The Curious Case of Parker Hageman: what makes the TwinsCentric/Over the Baggy blogger tick? (Hint: he's a hopeless opium addict pancakes!)
  • Undercover Ullger: what happens when Scott Ullger goes incognito at various jobsites in the Twin Cities? Well, as a traffic cop, dozens of injured pedestrians, as it turns out.
  • Jim Thome Poetry Slam: the Hall-of-Fame-bound slugger shares his favorite free verse and lyrical poems in an intimate coffeehouse setting. His raw, emotional take on Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" is a highlight, although he changes all the sex and drug references to home run metaphors.
  • Nick Punto's Dance Party: LNP and special guest Danny Valencia keep the party going all night long with their favorite hot jams and quiet storms. Do NOT watch while you're ovulating, ladies.
  • Who Wants to Be the Next Twins Starting Pitcher: Bill Smith and Bert Blyleven host this reality show as amateur baseball players attempt to land a spot in the Twins farm system. Competitions include Pitching to Contact, Downward Plane Maintenance, Keeping Your Fastball Below 90 MPH, and Pitching to Contact Some More.
  • Michael Cuddyer, Magic Cop: ballplayer by day, magician by night, cop by other times of the day. I really didn't think this one through that much.
  • Who the Hell Is That Guy: your guide to recognizing at least half the 2011 Twins bullpen. Did you know that Jim Hoey has a full beard and "L-I-N-D-A L-A-V-I-N" tattooed across his knuckles? Did you know that Paul Bargas refuses to drink diet soda because it's against God's will? Am I making this all up? Almost definitely! But how would you know?